How Can I - Please Help Me

BeautifulSmile · Jan 14, 2019

Please help me on how to overcome one issue that's bothering me at this moment. Topic - How not to yell at kids or show frustration?

I live in US, both are working. Our schedule goes like, I wake up at 5am. My husband at 4:30ish. Get kids lunch box ready, fill birds food (some times I does this night). And have coffee, take bath and finish dressing up and all other chores by 6am. Then wake up kids (just turned 10 and 4 yrs age kids), feed breakfast, get them ready and be in car by 6:40am and reach daycare on time. Then only first kid can catch the bus. Little one bus comes to daycare at 8:30am.

Hubby reach office by 7:15, then I reach my office around 7:40. In lunch break I go to gym for 30 mins, and start from office at 4:30. As office is bit far and traffic, reach daycare at 5:40 and by the time we reach home it would be around 6pm.

As soon we reach home, one goes straight to kitchen other goes to taking care of kids. Their bath, home works, classes , etc. In this process me and my husband yells and raises voice to get their stuff finished on time. Then only I can make them to bed by 8:30. I know kids are very tired to run on this schedule, they have many issues in school to handle. But at the end of the day, my brain dominates heart and makes me and my husband yell at kids. Not sure how to overcome this. Now a days I am not at all liking this. Please help me if there is any secret that worked for you and help me to come out of this guilt.

anayasree · Jan 14, 2019

I have a toddler and I too need suggestions for this. Following...

Laks09 · Jan 14, 2019

@BeautifulSmile - You wake up at 5.00 AM, come back home at 6:00 PM after a long commute and then go to the kitchen? No wonder you are exhausted.
When I had that commute and a kid in tow, I meal prepped over the weekends. It was only her and I most weekdays but I had the following to do most Saturdays:

1) Dosa/idli batter ready for the week.
2) Some pastas and grilled veggies/meats etc.
3) Three or four subzis cooked.
4) Lunches pre-packed and put in the fridge for the week
5) Precooked b'fast like fritattas, sheet pan pancakes, etc pre-made and portioned out for the week.
6) Roti dough made and portioned for the week. I put it in the fridge. I would take one out and leave it on the counter before leaving for work in winters and after coming home during the warm months.
7) Mixed Dal cooked and frozen. I used to do this once a month or so. I seasoned this dal for rotis some days.
8) Regular dal cooked and frozen. I used to put some veggies, this frozen dal, sambhar powder, tamrind extract etc in the cooker for a quick sambhar. It's an easy Instapot recipe, if you have an instapot on hand.
9) Cut up fruits etc and pack snack boxes over the weekend.

On weekdays, just take the boxes from the fridge and pack for lunch. I warmed kids if it was warm food before packing the dabba. Some days, if I had left over idlis, I made idli upma or something quickly for her lunch. Mostly she wanted only pastas, breads etc which I always had on hand. Since fruits and snacks were also pre-portioned and ready, either her or I would just pack it.

Most days, I would come home and use the subzis and dal to make a quick dinner along with rice or roti. I used the grilled stuff, pastas etc for lunches that I already prepacked over the weekend. I would make dosa and use the subzis and curries for that. I would make sambhar quickly in the cooker for idli/dosa. I always had various podis on hand to eat with rice/idli/dosa.

I used to have hectic weekends but my weekdays were a bliss. In time, I learned what worked for me and modified my meal plan accordingly. My DH mostly got home on Friday nights, so he would go get grocery etc on Saturday morning for me to cook for the week. I usually took around 4 hrs to get all that done. Then I didn't ever do anything major over the week. I just seasoned, modified, beautified and served.

Hang in there, it gets easier.

armummy · Jan 14, 2019

I agree with laks , if you get your cooking out if your way , it will relax you a lot and you can spend more time without rushing with kids ...

Try and get into a habit of cooking over the weekend or finishing the days cooking in the morning ..

Can the day care help with their homework’s so you don’t have to
Worry about it and only may be focus on elder ones studies

BeautifulSmile · Jan 14, 2019

Thanks for your reply @Laks09 and @armummy . I used to cook around 5 curries on weekend and Idli/Dosa batter every weekend. Which takes around half day of weekend. When there are parties or some other important works that needs to be completed on weekend cooking for longer is not possible. Another factor made me stop cooking on weekends is out of other guilt on not giving fresh food to kids. God this judgement on self in kids regard is the killer.No matter of perfection, I think you know kids knows very well when to press your button. At that moment, when they get on your nerve how do you control not to show your frustrated face or dont yell at them. In other words how to keep the same smile when you think about them when they are not around you. Literally every day I rush to daycare with big smile and lot of love, thats it as soon as they see us starts the story. Crying, fighting, arguing.... Other side of me comes live . I am so famous for my smile. After reaching home ,me and hubby becomes ugliest faces on the earth. They are not bad kids at all, but you know what I mean. If i count 1 -10, from not yelling I might cross counting million in one evening .

DDream · Jan 15, 2019

OP, Take it easy.
Like @Laks09, most of the working moms , including me do most of the cooking and cleaning during weekends and avoid detailed cooking during weekdays.

In my case, I pick kids and reach home by 6.00 PM. Ask them to wash their hands, then I give them something to drink or snacks and allow them to play or watch tv or PC. This is just to avoid them to come after me.

Then I will have tea with some thing, watch tv or browse internet in mobile or watch YouTube videos for sometime. I use this time for me to relax. If I need, make every thing ready for cooking. By 6:45-7.00 I ask kids to take bath and will be helping them. Then its home work time. They will do it in kitchen table where i can monitor them. Ask Dh to help. During this time I do simple cooking using what's available in fridge. Dinner will be ready and we eat it before 8.00Pm. If they have more things to finish, they will continue. During this time I clean whatever I can. If I am so tired, I will do only basis and do the rest in the morning. Then so go to bed by 9.00Pm. I have realized I should be easy on myself, only then I can serve others. Relaxing a bit in the evening make everyone happy. Just sharing to give you some idea.

Laks09 · Jan 15, 2019

BeautifulSmile said: ↑

Another factor made me stop cooking on weekends is out of other guilt on not giving fresh food to kids.
Click to expand...

Your time is finite. You can either give them fresh food daily or attention and TLC.

BeautifulSmile said: ↑

At that moment, when they get on your nerve how do you control not to show your frustrated face or dont yell at them
Click to expand...

Mostly for attention or being tired after staying away from home from 6:45 AM until 6:00 PM or a combination of both. They probably take it out on each other. You are also exhausted and have a long evening and an early morning. All those impending tasks probably make you snap. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. It also might help to keep them occupied in two different activities when you are busy in the kitchen. I get annoyed when I'm busy and people want me to intervene for something.

I have had a lady come help me in the evenings with my kid. It really helped me. Is that a possibility? A friend has an Indian lady to comes home an hour or two before she does and gets dinner organized. When she gets home with kids, the lady helps the kids with their baths/dinner etc before leaving at 8-8:30. See if you can do that.
Things like picking up the house, dishes, laundry etc, if you can find someone to outsource it to, so you aren't overworked is another option. Looks like both you and your DH are exhausted with your daily routines. Some hired help in areas where you can delegate can help.

Hang in there! Once they are older, it gets better.

kavya007 · Jan 15, 2019

I agree with Laks09. I am also a working mom with long commute:
1. I make iddli batter over the weekend.
2. Curries and vegetable chopping also done over the weekend.
3. I don't feel bad about getting frozen curries or veggies. Freezing food completely inhibits bacteria growth.
4. I cut down social engagements during the weekend.
5. I live in the US and I hire a maid for weekly cleaning. It is worth the money.
6. Don't sweat the small stuff and do the best you can.
7. Spending quality time with kids is important. No one is perfect.

BeautifulSmile · Jan 16, 2019

Thank you Friends, really valued suggestions. Cumulative of all tips will be my action plan, along with being easy on myself. I want to spend more quality time and less frustrated time with kids. That's my motto. Let this become my main agenda and no deviations. I am wishing myself all the very best to enjoy with my kids more and more. Lets stay positive.

Emarald · Jan 16, 2019

I had been there. Now my kids are big so less stress. I wish I knew and practiced few things 12 years back. My diet yoga and meditation. Keep yourself full with healthy food like salad, fruits. Everyday keep handy Apple banana cucumber etc. Give your kids too. Keep breathing deep regularly.