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How Can I Overcome The Hatred Feeling

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by gok, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. gok

    gok Silver IL'ite

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    I am waiting for the divorce papers from my so called husband, after being used to the extreme extent. He don't want to pay child support but i want him to pay, atleast to make him feel bad a little for what he has done to me and his child. Without any conscience, he is asking me for divorce without child support and also asking me to share the attorney fees for divorce:( How can some one be so shameless? When i spent so much of money on a junk like him, i can bring up my baby myself but i want him to be punished. While i have all reasons to hate him and harm him, i just want to get out of that hatred feeling. I feel i am not myself anymore and he poisoned me so much. I am not like this before i married him. There are people who have hurt me and did real bad things to me but i used to get away from them and never thought of taking revenge or never felt that they should suffer for their mistake. But nowadays i am feeling that he should pay for all his sins, i have cursed him and his family several times as i could not bear the fact that he used me to get settled, abandoned his own baby, shamed and insulted me and my family by all means and happily enjoying life drinking, smoking and dating almost all local girls here.I want to get rid of this hatred feeling because I just want to be peaceful and be myself, for the sake of me and my kids. How can i overcome this hatred feeling and forgive those who have harmed and hurt me so much and broke my trust.
     
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  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Please see a counsellor. S/he will help you work through your anger & grief. It will also be an effective channel to vent & get meaningful guidance. Might take about 3-6 months of therapy for it to work & make you feel better. If it helps you to know there are & have been countless women of every color in the U.S going through the same or similar situation as you. Some with much less resources and income than you. If they can pull through & raise good kids, so can you !!

    Also try to take up some mixed martial arts training or some kind of disciplined physical fitness program. Actually punching your frustration away at the gym may help. Getting a killer body in return will up your confidence & may be the only good side effect of the divorce.

    If & when you are ready to date ( year(s) from now), being with a nice guy will lessen the sting you are currently feeling. But to get there you need to heal as carrying bitter hate and anger is toxic to you & others. Did you know that carrying long held anger & resentment can cause cancer ? Speak to cancer survivors and they will agree.
    In short, your anger will serve no positive purpose for you. On the contrary it could damage your life & that of your kids.

    Remember this (intense anger & hatred) too shall pass. Because everything is transient. In a year's time your feelings will feel less intense.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2016
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  3. Narhari

    Narhari Bronze IL'ite

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    GOK, I dont understand why are u mourning for a dead soul. Me being a Hindu, I believe nothing is above Dharma. Your Dharma being a mother is to see that your child is well brought up. Sheer thought of coming out victorious from this situation should make you feel cheerful. It is very easy and natural to curse him, or feel ill about him but to work out your feelings for a positive outcome needs all your will and concentration. Only you can help yourself. Do not spend your energy in negative feelings. Just for once you forgive and you will feel the difference. No! I m not telling you to reconcile. But you can just let it go!
     
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  4. gok

    gok Silver IL'ite

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    Thinking of going for yoga/meditation .. not sure how i would manage with time.. but feel it might make me relaxed and get rid of the negative thoughts...
     
  5. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear @gok i think you need something stronger. You need to let it all out first, deal with your feelings openly before/alongside managing your feelings & diverting your mind.

    Let me give you an example - a few years ago i struggled with bitterness and anger at a family member who i blamed for the misfortune that had befallen me at the time. My anger within was all consuming. My mind would ruminate at the injustice meted out to me, how this person's insincere, unapologetic attitude over and above their hurtful actions felt like salt rubbed on my wounds. The anger & bitterness took a toll on me both physically & emotionally.

    I sought out a good therapist as a last resort. During my therapy session i was advised to write letters to this person talking about my grievances, hurt & betrayal. I was not to actually send the letter. The exercise then shifted to forgiving this person, also via an (unsent) letter. My therapist would work with me each week to discuss each letter i completed. She would prod, question and share her point of view, followed by some more "homework" for me.

    Over a period of a few months I actually felt better. These (unsent) letters helped me first express my feelings fully & later helped me self-analyse. Slowly & grudgingly I began to see the part i played in my problems. My anger subsided to a manageable degree and i was able to have an improved relationship with the person concerned.

    I highly recommend the book "Why wont you apologise ?" By Harriet Lerner. This addresses how to heal when an apology isnt exactly forthcoming and also how to survive betrayals & everyday hurts.

    I hope you get the picture of why i think you may benefit from professional therapy. Even if our specific life situations may be different, the core objective is the same - achieve a measure of inner peace to help us be healthy individuals.

    Hope all goes well with you whatever path you choose.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2016
  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. -Buddha

    It is normal to be consumed with anger given your situation. But that does not make it right!

    If your ex H was the type who would change seeing someone's hurt, anger or tears, you would not be here in the first place. Your anger and curses are not going to melt him because stones do not melt. But, they can be hammered and chiseled and broken into shape with the right tools. And that is what you need. Strong tools that will break him. You want him to pay child support. You want attorney fees. Calm down and act logically. Contact a very good attorney. His fees will be high, so be it. He will ensure that fees is extracted from your H. A good attorney will ensure you get what you deserve. Take it and move on. Never look back! As far as punishing your H goes, let Karma handle that! oh BTW, I have heard living well is the best revenge. Ensure you and your son (and possibly a loving partner in the future) are happy.

    Best ofLuck for a better life
     
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  7. gok

    gok Silver IL'ite

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    I am going through this now. Its good to know that theraphy helped you. I would definitely try to get in touch with a therapist and would read that book as well. Am happy to hear comforting words from friends in this forum as i lost in touch with most of my friends in the past few years.

     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Get some therapy and work on getting child support from him.
    He is responsible for the child too...that may help reduce bitterness.
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Hatred and bitterness are your own enemies. You are killing yourself, your innocence and your personality in your attempt to punish your enemy. Which is pointless.
    However, you can't control your own bitterness just like that. You have a history, which can't be forgotten easily.

    Get some professional help, like therapy.

    Meantime, I tried Yoga, meditation and participating in prayer meetings (I am Christian). Those days I used to have a mentor for religious stuff. She used to listen to me without any judgement.
    I used to vent all my venom. Sometimes I curse on my in laws. Sometimes I unnecessarily worry about their motives. Therefore my life was very much restricted. It felt so suffocated then.
    She would encourage me to have faith in God. She would encourage me to leave everything onto God, so that I shouldn't have to worry on these things.
    Constantly she would motivate me with biblical quotes and promises, saying how much it is possible for God to change my life.
    I slowly gained faith, and started to leave everything onto God.
    This gave me a stress free life. I forgot the past, and started to treat my in laws as if they are non-existent.
    I stopped cursing them. I stopped competing them. I stopped worrying about their next move or hidden agenda. I took my life as it comes with a hope that I sail in this boat with my God.
    This way I gained my positivity back.

    Writing all your hatred, agony, negatives, venom etc helps a lot.
    I started to write everything here. I did not worry what other people would be thinking of me. Because this is an anonymous forum. Even if someone judge you, what's the problem.
    I cursed my in laws here, I put them down, I insulted them, I showed my hatred and all the evil things which are hidden in me here. They deserved to be cursed or insulted as they made me sick like this.
    But after a series of writing, I felt relieved. I felt no happiness in cursing or insulting them here. I felt absolutely normal as before.

    Time heals everything too.

    With time, I forgave them, and I was able to forget the past too. Now that all I remember was the lesson I learnt from this nasty lesson. I take it positively, as I could save my life and that of many other woman like me with this experience.

    Don't worry... You definitely need some interventions. Else you will kill yourself in this attempt of killing your enemy. Which is dangerous.
     
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  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Your husband is trying to escape the responsibility of being a dad. His responsibility is not only looting you to make some properties but to the child too. Being gracious and forgiving wont get you anywhere. I am sorry if I sound rude but you have to be realistic. He has to pay back everything he took from you. You can only do good to people who reciprocate not to thankless people. Yes, your hubby is thankless becoz he will take in any form without remorse or regret. As you mentioned even attorney fees and mutual divorce.

    You need closure and listing all reasons for divorce like abuse and neglect will give it to you.List it with attorney's help and money which was taken from you too. That money , you can use gainfully for your daughters. Tomorrow your hubby will look for one more scapegoat and cycle will continue. You forgiving him will not get you anywhere.Get a good attorney and go from A to Z from abuse, neglect, money matters. He has to pay.Child support will be something which according to law he has to pay. He is escaping from doing it so he wont be in trouble in job changes and background checks. Besides he just doesn't want to pay.

    I think you need to find an attorney and slap your hubby with domestic violence as reason for divorce.Tell me wont you like your money back which he invested in properties in India. If you don't take it , will he say oh thanks to my ex wife I have it. No. Then why not save it for ur daughters.

    Education and expenses aren't getting cheaper and wont be . So why sacrifice. Take what is rightfully yours and your daughters. Good Luck.
     
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