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High School Woes

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by Laks09, Aug 26, 2018.

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  1. Aug 28, 2018 #21
    poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    The funny part, now the absentee is 'most wanted' person for DS than I am.

    Usually, the call comes around 8am....mom, put dad on line!

    Hang in there @Laks09
     
    poovai, Aug 28, 2018
    poovai, Aug 28, 2018
    #21
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  2. Aug 28, 2018 #22
    Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Haha @poovai i hear you..thr everpresent becomes the taken for granted always
    .the juicy stories are shared with the.absentee..the absentee too scores brownie points by catering to every request...

    It is fun, to watch..
     
    Shanvy, Aug 28, 2018
    Shanvy, Aug 28, 2018
    #22
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  3. Aug 28, 2018 #23
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Which means you did a very good job of forging that relationship! Congrats :)
     
    Laks09, Aug 28, 2018
    Laks09, Aug 28, 2018
    #23
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  4. Sep 3, 2018 #24
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I was so nodding in agreement when I read this. The issue might be different in each household, but when the woman brings it up, it almost always ends up with her getting emotional about it. It really looks like women take things more to heart or show their reaction more openly. DH will listen to it with the approach of, "Oh ok just one more outburst.. she will calm down..." So much so that I sometimes prefix the session with, "No, this is not a regular talk on what you/we don't do (enough) and what needs your attention. This is a real issue that needs addressing." That sometimes get his attention.

    It's been such a relief to read the responses in thread, and to realize that I am not way off. Ideally, high school kids should have serious chores to do at home, and even more ideally, should experience holding a paid job outside of home and school. But, there are simply not enough hours in the day.

    I pacify the worried monkey in my brain with quite a few arguments : )
    - we also didn't know many things before we started living independently, and managed fine.
    - with youtube and the internet, any how-to is not difficult to find.
    - the most important skill is time management and prioritization. they are getting that with managing course load
    - maybe they will make enough money right out of college to be able to outsource mundane chores
    - why focus on household chores only? there are so many skills they need to know and are going often learn just in time or maybe even a little late. Like, investment skills (different from saving), developing their sexual identity(!) etc etc. So, chores also can be practiced more later.
    - companies train employees in crash courses when they need to go to countries with a much different culture, people change their accent through training... so everything need not be taught in high school years itself.........
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2018
    Rihana, Sep 3, 2018
    Rihana, Sep 3, 2018
    #24
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  5. Sep 3, 2018 #25
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Some resources that I learnt about from other parents, school counselors, and some frenzied Sunday afternoon googling. : )

    Times are very different now. Resources available are immense. Life coaches and executive function coaches can be life savers if time is taken to find the right one. One popular though expensive EF skills provider is Executive Function Coaching | Beyond BookSmart, a service something that many high achiever kids and their parents can benefit from. Just reading up about EF skills can provide material for many mostly peaceful talks with teen. There are also cheaper and more small scale, personal EF coaches, like a provider with 1-3 coaches only.

    Another excellent resource for the anxious teen with a heavy course load is The Anti-Depressant Book: A Practical Guide for Teens and Young Adults to Overcome Depression and Stay Healthy: Jacob Towery MD: 9780692641545: Amazon.com: Books. I've looked through this book myself. Highly recommend it. Read the author's background on amazon. I'd say ignore the "anti-depressant" part and focus on the rest. Easily the best book on the topic, and one that makes sense to read even just like that for any highschool kid and parent.

    From one amazon review:
    The Anti-Depressant Book integrates cutting-edge Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools with physical exercise, sleep hygiene and mindfulness practice to present a truly holistic, mind/body approach to adolescent wellness. ... A nice section for parents as well that helps them understand their child's process and what they can do - and avoid doing - to support it."
    ​
    But still the mom's mind will worry, no? : ) Will worry worry worry and take it out on poor dad. : ) So, one more idea is that let the academically important high school years go by. In 12th grade, when college applications are done, and college almost decided, around March or so, and academics/extra curriculars can take a backseat, up the time and attention given to life skills. Between March and August, there is a full 4-5 months to teach teen whatever mom wants to try. There are books available with plans, worksheets, and even exact words parents can use to coach their own teenager. Some of these are for ADHD kids off to college, but can very well be used by all teenagers off to college.
     
    Rihana, Sep 3, 2018
    Rihana, Sep 3, 2018
    #25
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  6. Sep 9, 2018 #26
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I need to try this.

    Absolutely! I love having company in my travails with the teen.

    Now that you mention all this, it feels right to not overreact.

    We had her claiming to us last month about buying "stocks" with her money. Not sure if we are right but both of us are of the opinion that we need to not discuss our finances/investments etc with kids. We are fairly certain that came from school. The making money grow with stocks funda! We had such an interesting conversation with her after that. I kept thinking about how my parents never taught me any of these things. I had to learn as an adult.

    Developing sexual identity is something that I never gave a thought to until now. Very valid point! I guess they are well informed in that genre. Hopefully, it will all be sorted out :)
    True. Everything doesn't have to be taught by the end of Senior year!

    Thanks for this pointer. I never knew about EF skills. I'm definitely going to research on this.


    Thanks! I was looking for a CBT book for the little one to get some insights into it before he got conversational, so we could start working on him. I never even gave it a thought for my older one. I think it's relevant for teens of today and I'll definitely take a look at this book.

    ​
    I've been going on and on and on about the little guy. I think I've rubbed all of my anxiety on him. He seems to be very glum since morning. I finished the conversations and went on my merry way and had a blast with friends. I better take care of the Dad now!

    I'm going to focus on most of the life skills around the spring of the Senior year.

    Thank you @Rihana for taking the time to write these posts. They are very helpful. I'm sure they will help other moms in the same situation. I will keep you posted on how things turn out.
     
    Laks09, Sep 9, 2018
    Laks09, Sep 9, 2018
    #26
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  7. Oct 2, 2018 #27
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @yellowmango ym, say na something? Been wondering what would be your take on the question in first post.
     
    Rihana, Oct 2, 2018
    Rihana, Oct 2, 2018
    #27
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  8. Oct 4, 2018 #28
    Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    @Laks09,

    Like what @kkrish mentioned, my memories are not recent and my son finished his school in the last decade. Only thing that is etched in my memory very strongly is both my wife and I made him accept the admission into International Baccalaureate program when he wanted to join another program focused on Engineering. He was 14 and had no option but to listen to our advice. We realized later that it is the biggest mistake we did in raising our child. He went through the program that had him work sometimes late at night and very early in the morning losing all opportunity to do other work. However, he took care of his laundry regularly during that 4 year period but didn't do much of anything else including getting out and socializing other than playing with the children in our subdivision. When he got to 11th and 12 grade, he had so many AP exams that added to his pressure.

    Guess what, soon after he finished his school, he chose to join Engineering Program. He got a new apartment and new freedom. This was the worst period in our relationship with him. He spent the next four years complaining about his High School years robbed from him, restrictions such as bed time, no late night hangout, etc. His grades dropped dramatically during the undergrad period as he started reliving those lost 4 years. As parents, we felt terrible about not letting him grow with more socializing and chose the program of his choice. We spent the next four years rebuilding our own relationship with him. He finished his undergrad in Mechanical Engineering.

    Eventually, he turned around after he joined his Graduation in the local University because of one outstanding professor who moved into our area and was an expert in Heat Transfer and Alternate Energy field. He lived with us for 2 years, regretted everything he did in the last 4 years of his undergrad period and acknowledged the discipline from the parents really helped him set his goals. He did extremely well in his graduate program. Eventually, he got admitted again in a Ph.D. program for four years (with full scholarship) to do Computational Fluid Dynamics in another University. He had just finished his Ph.D. after pursuing so many credits that are absolutely nothing to do with his curriculum. It was a long period of higher education academic pursuit but we feel he used his scholarship very well to learn so much.

    Each child is very unique in their skills but there is one thing common to every child and that is their untainted love for their parents. They resist many things but once they feel the love from the parents inherently, they could never drift away from good life. Eventually, that is what the parents wish for their children.

    Viswa
     
    Viswamitra, Oct 4, 2018
    Viswamitra, Oct 4, 2018
    #28
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  9. Oct 6, 2018 #29
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I wouldn’t call it a mistake. A lesson learned maybe?
    I’m very opinionated about subjects and choices sometimes. My DH is of the opinion that she needs to make her choices and then she has to stick to it.
    As far as HS went, she picked what she wants. My views keep oscillating. Back then, I thought she knew what she was doing because I was too busy with my ds and had no time to go over all this.
    I was in agreement with DH that we need to let her be as independent as possible because we don’t have the bandwidth to support her. Now I wonder why I didn’t research the workload more. Just because a 14yrs ole thinks it’s a good idea we can’t not do our due diligence. So there is two sides to every coin, including child choosing own hs path.

    Regardless of choice, I think it’s reasonable to see grades drop in undergrad. Mine did. Dh’s did badly. He barely got a first class in engineering. It’s probably the entry into adulthood that caused the grade drop.


    Silver lining! I love that he understood the reason for his parents being parents! Sometimes I have to put on the strict parent hat. It’s hard to always be a friend when you are the only parent available for everything.

    I don’t even know what computational fluid dynamics is(even after googling). Pursuit of learning even though it’s not a part of his curriculum is inspiring. It makes the learning complete and is inspiring to read about.

    Thank you for saying this sir! I love the kids and hopefully that will keep them grounded and safe.
     
    Laks09, Oct 6, 2018
    Laks09, Oct 6, 2018
    #29
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