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High School Woes

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by Laks09, Aug 26, 2018.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I think this is the general consensus. She does come downstair every evening and play with her brother for sometime regardless of how busy. She also hangs around with me for 10-15 mins while I'm prepping dinner or giving him a bath. All of those minutes do add up!

    She did make lunches/dinners regularly while she was home in summer. She even did the cleaning up after. I failed to mention it.

    Gosh, I hate doing this because of my bad shoulder. It stays there in the alley :) My cleaning lady or DH move it around. I act like i didn't see it there after pick up!

    I'm trying hard. Some days I lose my cool. Especially when I have to remind a million times. I think from here I'm seeing that it's common and mostly unintentional. I can always do it but I didn't want to be my mom. Hence the concern.
    Yes, it is so much to do.

    Thank you for saying this! I think at times I still try to micro manage what everyone is doing. I too need to learn to let go a little.

    ha ha. Yeah, when I have to get it out and get it upstairs with my shoulder, it irks me. I do it though when I'm in a good mood.

    I hope so, Kamala.

    I don't mind her driving but she's mostly tired and also sleep deprived. I've not let her drive anywhere without one of us. In a couple of months, I might have her start driving to school and then hopefully she can get out some more. It does get hard for me to even take her out with my son and mostly being a single parent for weeks together.

    I have a cleaning lady come weekly. I just want the clothes lying in piles on the floor, in the bathroom to be picked up and put in the hamper. So far, my cleaning lady has just done it but I feel terrible taking advantage of her niceness, especially since I have been so tired lately and she has been doing a lot of extra stuff around the house. I just want her to be nice to the domestic help, not trash her bathroom and bedroom. She says she's being really nice to the cleaning lady by taking time out of her busy schedule and teaching her DD math sometimes and giving her daughter all her things. I'm appreciative of the sharing and caring and I make sure I let her know.

    Sigh. From other moms here, I'm guessing it's the same everywhere. We need to gather some strategies to take them out.
     
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  2. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    exactly @Laks09 its same every where.
    I am asking her to block her calendar and try to schedule her activity based on her calendar which includes family time now for the upcoming Labor Day weekend... this is just too much :BangHead:
     
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  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Same pinch :) I think I'm needing a little extra hand because I'm mostly alone. And on the rare weeks that DH is around is when such discussions come up. I have a feeling this marriage is as good as it is because he's mostly not home and mostly doesn't care how i deal with things at home.

    Outsourced the lawn and thankfully no snow around here. Garbage can - that has come up in many feedbacks! All I can say is "Thank God for alleys". There is at least one good thing about having an alley - everything else about them is bad!!!!

    I did go to the meetings at school last spring, go talk to the counselor and even make her switch to easier course selections in some areas. I think I didn't realize the work load this year. I am wondering if I should ask her to not miss school this year. Last year she missed weeks here and there and I had to teach her the math portions. One time an entire chapter in math was over in the week she was gone. I'm dreading that this year.

    I did that with friends up until start of HS. It then got too much for me and I gave up.

    She should be ok with service hrs. Leadership, I don't know poovai. I guess she can't do it all. She is mentoring here and there but not on a consistent basis and there is just no time for it this year.

    Yes, she did play two sports until starting high school and played until this year in the school team for one. She wanted to play only club this year but she's worried about her grades so isn't playing.

    She just started volunteering somewhere over the weekends. I hope someone is tracking the hrs :) She loves what she's doing. She says it lets her do something other than school work and she's happy.

    She was asked to do this. I have to find a place and a convenient date. Haven't gotten there yet.

    Whoa that's good that he could keep a group of teens together. Donuts always helps. I should remember to send some :)

    Did the friends come? We are ok to have the girls here anytime and they are always around here but lately everyone is just busy!

    We still don't know what to do. I hope by Oct in Sr year she knows what she wants to apply for :) She said she isn't doing early admissions. We are anyway aiming for mainly state schools. I don't know if they even have early admissions.

    Nice... Thankfully mine doesn't do much over the summer helping me go see my parents and PILs. I really can't let go of that.

    Thanks for mentioning this. It hasn't come up yet but when it does I know what to say.

    I agree. She's thankfully cognizant of all this. I don't convey our aspirations to her though. We just have so much going on with the little guy that we haven't thought clearly about what we want for her. I just want her to graduate from her undergrad and find a job. She knows that much. Hopefully she will find some course which will help with that.

    I do this always. I think it helps. I'll remember to be consistent with this.

    I will, Shan. I think I'm just realizing that I have been taking things with her for granted. I should probably convey to her that I understand her struggles too.

    I told her this today :) She hugged me and said she'd try to go to bed early today to please me :)

    This is making me tear up. I do this all the time. I try to make concrete efforts to put her first sometimes and give her the attention but with being by myself most of the time, it just doesn't work out. I think I'm getting really tired, regardless of all the outsourcing. Mothering is hard hard work!

    poor child. I'm glad you are able to not say "I said so" and be there for her. I have to learn to do that.

    I promise to try my hardest.

    I understand. I will try to let go and have her wade through this after giving my inputs instead of constantly trying to worry about this.

    Thanks Shan! Hanging out is something I miss too. She's been too busy for me lately. Hopefully it's just a passing phase!
     
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I think she can. TBH, I've not been giving her due credit for the things she does and started doing at a very young age.

    I guess each one is unique. I'm just worried for my one that sometimes can be very hard headed.

    Thanks for this tip! I haven't done this myself in a while. This is a good exercise!

    It does make me feel so much better just reading everyone else's perspective here. Thanks for tagging JAG. Loved reading her FB.

    Shan - I thought so too, all along. My DH is all for independence for her because we know what it's like to have a tot without opinions. But then, end of the day, teenagers are just that. Sometimes only teens can think that working 20 hrs a day for weeks on end is a good thing :) It's hard to stand by and watch but I get what you are saying. This is a learning experience for both of us. I am trying to learn to let go.

    My hugs and love to him. He's going to do great in these exams. I love reading about his achievements. It helps me so much. Keep sharing!

    That's so true. Unlike my DH, I'm not able to put these things aside and take it lightly. Have to learn to do that as well :)

    Thank you!

    So sweet! I should try and ask for help. I do most of the stuff around the house during the weekdays and only some things are left for when she is around. I'll try these tricks though. Helps having her along for grocery and stuff.

    The chore breakdown! I should try it. I usually say why is this place a pig sty and the fight starts!

    I understand now. Instead, I'll try some of the tips to get her away here and there.

    Thanks for sharing. I guess just knowing where it stands with others helps a lot.
     
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  5. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Reading through the thread, I do understand every mom's point of view.

    My DS has a tendency to slack around, and it is his nature. Unless, we clearly define the expectations, he is one of those self declare, it is boring to answer the 2nd page questions and answering 1st page is enough to pass the exam. Indeed, he did that on his 3rd grade math evaluation test and when his teacher questioned him, that was his response. It was my wake up call about him.

    As a mom, I tend to protect him and watched his close friends / teachers. Once his English 'substitute' teacher made a note in his HS senior year, he 'cannot read'. His English teacher, brushed it off and I was informed about it. There was always a 50-50 chance, he can be easily put off, and if it happens he will tend to shut himself, totally. I was also warned by my co-worker, how her (white) girl was put on learning disability list in her 3rd / 4th grade repeatedly and she struggled with the school / teacher to keep her kid in the same class. That same girl was held back in HS senior year. In the public school system, have to be bit careful about our kids since the teachers don't have time to handle special children and the kids can be easily shut off / disheveled.

    As @Shanvy mentioned, parents hand holding never ends. I make sure that he is working with good mentor(s), those who push to bring the best in him. When in confrontation, he will walk away quietly than explaining his view point. The more he faces the outside world, there are only a handful that can understand him.

    The best, I can do keep talking / listening to him carefully. Slowly influence him / guide him through so that he makes the right decision. It is not the technical details, but lack of patience when working with others.

    Marriage .... I cannot even imagine when / where he will find someone who is suitable for him? A big question mark, what if it didn't work for him? The girl should understand him - well matured / know how to maneuver him tactfully, in conflicts.

    God knows 'how to play the trick' on us. Just keeping 'all' moms busy!
     
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  6. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't worry too much @Laks09 .
    You are human too, and you have her best interest at heart.

    The reason I asked you to not nag her is what I went through after leaving them at college and returing to an empty home. Many a day I had recalled my angry words and wished I was softer.
    Life, once the child leaves for college, is never going to be the same again. Their time with us will be short stays during vacations and once they land in jobs even those days will be cut short by many days.

    They should look at mom's home as a place to relax, unwind, and where they need not follow rigid rules.

    Every time you want to get angry, just think that she has to recall only pleasant memories of home.

    Let her know by words or deeds, that you trust her capability immensely. She will never let you down.
     
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  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @Laks09 can't putforth the kind of stress i go through when dd works with certain clients..then the glow on her face when she does something well is worth it..the only worry i have is carrying the stress home to add to the guilt of not being able to help me when i am sick (which is not her fault). Responsible and sensitive kids are hard upon themselves and sometimes very critical so why add to the burden. Sometimes, when we talk, the kids recount some incidents and i end up saying sorry and that i thought it was best at that point but would like to do it differently if i get a chance..sigh..i even blogged on it here long back, if there was buy back on the hour glass,
    What i want to convey is make lovely memories, that she would recollect with a smile when she is struggling through in the outside peer world.. we can do.

    @poovai me have been working with a long distance marriage and been handling the the duties of the absentee dad..i won't negate his contribution and call it single parent...

    For all that i said, the moment ds went to uni, i stopped even asking him anything related to.his studies. When relatives ask what are his scores, i tell them i dont know, and i am sure he would know what works for him..that is the level of loosening at my end, (laks@09 knowing him that scares me too)but i give him that trust and confidence, enna vandalum parthukalaam (meaning we will deal with anything). I consciously tried to wean off from their decision making and interfering in how they work through their issues unless they ask or call to discuss..i hear few moms in my circle call me hands free and not bothered mom.. it hurts me sometimes because what they perceive is so wrong. I am bothered but will not burden my kids with that is a practice i had started the day they turned 18. The young lady is turning into a workholic and that worries me even as i write this, but she is growing leaps and bounds in her training and maybe will discuss it casually again sometime..marriage can't even take that word at homr..it is censored..lol..

    The young man stays 3.5 hrs away now and proposes to move 10hrs away coming year, and continents later..so i need to accept it and i have always known he will be leaving even when he was 10..because of his holding to his dream course from 6..yes me and friend who has a spectrum kid believe it is a trait and i let him explore and what worries me is his obsessive passion towards the subject, but i tell him dream on and fly..

    It is never easy..but we let them be.

    So hugs and hugs, it is a intense sometimes painful and sometimes greys inducing period..i think my hair turned grey at a alarming speed in the last few years..lol..

    Hang in there..
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is so well put forth! Thank you for saying this. I will keep it in mind.

    So true. This letting go and watching from afar is driving me nuts. I think in between I was really worried and focused on my son and didn't pay any attention to what she was upto at school. Now that I have a little bit of time here and there, I'm trying to get back in the game :)

    Absentee dad is my fav phrase too. I'm tired shan, I don't think I can carry this on for much longer. I need so virtual support for this, even with all the help and moral support and hand holding, it's getting to be too much. This unique situation with a teenager and a special needs young one at home is so hard. Every time I bring it up, I end up getting emotional and argumentative and my DH thinks this is just another one of those outbursts that will calm. Then she won't bring it up for two/three months.

    I'm going to practice telling myself this. I also have to learn to let her go and make her choices and learn from them. In this country, the education system at least is made in such a way that kids can afford to make these choices and later change their minds. High school is meant for trying things out too I guess!
    I'm like this, proud of whatever she is doing despite the hurdles at home. Can't be easy being a special needs sibling. But I'm a worry wart too. I have to learn to not be so open about all of my concerns. It's so hard to change that habit. My mom keeps telling me your DD isn't your sister, treat her like your child not a peer. Have to do this.

    Marriage - it's on everyone's minds. Most parents these days aren't bringing it up because ..... Perils of modernization. I'm happy for her, Shan! She will make that decision when the right time comes. Only she knows when that is.

    I can understand those OCD tendencies you know! It's frustrating sometimes. They work so hard these special needs kids that I applaud their tenacity. I hope this weakness becomes his greatest strength and I wish him all the success.
    I can see how hard this is for you. Thank you for sharing. It really helps. Not only for now but for the future too, whatever that may hold for him.
    When people write off special needs kids, I want to share his story with the world and show them how much they can accomplish with the right guidance.

    Greys.... Almost completely salt and pepper here. I tried going without color for a while but then I visited my mom a few months ago and she cried. Real sad tears. I came back and got it colored before going back to see her again. Looks like hair color is in my naseeb for the foreseeable future.
     
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  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    I so understand @Laks09 the tension, the struggles, of being there and doing that little extra for our precious ones, but sometimes it is okay to just be a little selfish, take a me time and refocus..when i look back, i seriously don't know how i am managed with zero support, and sickness and over worked and the different scene of frustrating and depressing indian education system.. i believe all the cheering, well wishers, prayers supported me through the testing period..

    I will continue to pray for you all..believe it when i say, time flies and you will turn back and wonder why the hell was i so stressed and bugged..

    Be happy you can make things happen as in maids, outsourcing which maynot be the case for someone else..every blessing counts..

    And thank you.love for understanding and i shared it only as a friend to friend that we will float and sail through it..
     
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I am doing this. I do quite a lot for myself, actually. I've always taken my time seriously.

    Thank you! I know you mean this and I'm grateful for the support.

    Agreed, I always am grateful for what I have. I have always been aware of the differences in situations and am looking at the silver lining.

    Yes and afterwards I hope to give this gyan to other moms in similar situations.
     
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