High School Woes

Thank you @Laks09 .
My children left HS quite some time ago and I don't recall much on how the day to day life went on.

If I may take the liberty to do so, is request you to please not nag your child.
High School is the true tightening of the noose in terms of time shortage for them - what with SAT, applications, internships, AB courses or whatever they take, and extracurricular activities that they need to up their chances of getting into their school and course of choice. Poor kiddos! My heart goes out to them, yours included.

Definitely ask for help when they can do it.
Strike a balance - let her decide what she wants to do. Yes, we think some fresh air and sunlight will do them good but they may see it differently.

Laundry - yes they had to do it. But many times the dryer served as their closet. Those times I would remove the clothes - some days I would get angry some days I would let go.

Rest assured that all your tutelage throughout the years are there, inside, latent, and they will all come out when they go to the dorm, especially in the second/third year when they are forced to live in apartments with other students.

I do not recall much, but there was one chore both my sons loved doing - shopping for milk and some emergencies. They loved taking the car and it was an excuse to drive other than to school.

I would also tag @justanothergirl who may give much more valuable information.

 

Huh... sailing on the same boat as OP. This whole summer only today we got her out for a lunch. It’s hw all the time. She does some chores. I would be happy if she just lets me clean her room now and then. No dinner time together too. Most of the time it’s dinner and HW together. Really feel sorry for these kids and don’t know how to strike a balance. It’s going to be worse this year but have to do whatever needs to be done.

 

@Laks09,

My son also went to HS awhile ago.. When my son was in MS/HS, I was almost a single mom, since my DH was very busy with his international assignments. My son and I bonded emotionally well together during that time, I depended on him more than he needed me.

My son helped me with the lawn care / snow removal, bringing home the mail daily and putting out the garbage cans for weekly pick up during my DH's absence at home.

Planning and sketching out their HS schedule ahead of school year is necessary. Studies, sports, and outlet to let him/her spend time with their friends are important.

Many of his school friends mom or dad were my co-workers; Some are still working with me. We used to 'round up' the kids for after school activities together.

Understand your school system and plug-in the kid with various activities. Pay attention to leadership role, social service, sports along with GPA. It is a must for major college applications.

(1) Sports, he played tennis till his Junior year for his school league (average player). But, he played indoor tennis twice a week in a nearby sports club through out the year till college.

(2) Took his Taiwan-do lessons till his Junior year.

(3) Enrolled him in nearby hospital as a volunteer, starting at 9th grade on wards. He accumulated 1200+ hours at the end of HS. His responsibilities grew over the years such as directing visitors, receiving/delivering flowers to the patients, helping with discharging patients, accompanying lonely elder(s) when their spouse was a patient at the hospital etc Since he didn't have much chance to see elderly relatives, it taught him to understand others, better.

(4) Took his CPR training / certification class.

(5) He was a treasurer and then, the president of his school 'scholastic bowl'. They traveled to nearby school districts to participate in competitions. I think, it was an eye opening experience for him to keep the team together to win the competitions. One of his friend's parents owned a nearby 'Dunkin donuts' shop....there was endless supply of donuts for the team!

(6) His English / History teachers liked him very much. He was also TA for their classes (not sure, how it works) in his senior year. Usually by 9pm, our phone was the 'hot line' to help with homework for his classmates.

(7) Regularly, we hosted parties for his friends; 'no sleep over' nights, he had to home before mid-night if he was at his friend's place.

(8) He took Princeton SAT class...mainly to practice the tests.

By Oct. of HS senior year, he got his college admission in early decision process and he chose the school where he wanted to be;

(9) During HS summer time, he focused on various programing languages and computer hardware related classes. We didn't take him seriously, but it helped him to get a job in campus and later, he got a prejudge 'internship'.

There were times, my son was also complaining about his friends and their comments. I told him 'look at the bigger picture and where do you see them? How much attention, do you like to pay to them in your life?' He said in his college days ...this was one of the best advise, I gave him.

One thing....we should tell our kids, how hard we worked to reach this level in our life and what would have happened, if we gave up during the hard time in our life?

Repeatedly, we taught him - who we are, where we came from, our ancestor's back ground, how our families are in back home, our community life style back home, how luckily he is to study here and what are our dreams about him?

I am sure, it synced in his mind and he clearly, understood about himself. Always, he acted well matured for his age.

Keep telling your kid, 'no matter what, we are here for you and nothing is more important than you in our life'. Those secure / safe words, helps them to get over the hurdles in their life.

 

@Laks09 just let her be..sit with her and tell her that you understand all the hardwork, efforts, she puts and her own struggles and demons faced.

Though you understand, the mother imp climbs on your shoulders pushes you to worry hence the yelling.

Let me honestly tell you btwn us we have a common point,, the younger one needs/needed more attention and our being immersed in them does not help matters after all the elder ones need us too..now i realise a few scars i have made on my dd's mind because of this.. i just took it granted as she was always understanding and accomodative. But then she was a child too, in my case it was closer age gap of only 3 yrs that made it harder for her i believe.

It is her time to work for her dream, when some of them are focussed nothing else matters, but thst does not mean they don't know.. my dd now during her training works for more than 15 hrs and result her health, her painting her social meetups with friends everything went south, to the extent she was working without being able to attend her friend's engagement and one day the dam broke and she is still recovering from the slide.. she started questioning why it was never enough and why i am not able to satisfy all.. it took time for me to help her back to her normal self.

So stop the yelling, shouting and allow her to work it out..so what if the laundry is not folded..let us do it for now..when we are not near them they do it.. and dd manages without outside help when i am not with her..

Let her make her priorities, her choices about her time management, you just have a talk once saying the same..that as she moves to college outside home, she has to have a better time management to achieve all that she wants and one of these days she shoulf observe herself and analyse..your can.. have the confidence and trust that they will wade through safe.. it is all about basic foundations laid. She has been a great kid, supporting and being there with your tough time and has been seeing you do it..she has learnt and understood more than you want to believe.

Just give her a hug and let her be..if she wants to laze with a bowl of popcorn some movie, join her..the dishes and the room can wait for now..

Hugs @Laks09 there are no rights and wrong just follow your gut and the flow..

 

Dear @Laks09 .

hugs to you! I see your point of view and appreciate it as well. I think @Rihana has put well and I agree with what she has said the most. If you are satisfied that when push comes to shove, your DD can manage independently, go easy on her in high school as far as chores are concerned. The thing is all those are just that, chores to them while we see as life skills!

It is very interesting for me to observe some highschoolers put themselves in to situations like you mention here -

and then there are a few who will only do only what is absolutely necessary! I also have some students who are grateful when I ask them not to burn out and then others who tell me that I am weird because I am asking them to take it easy and not stress out as much.

The question comes down to "is she thriving in the environment" she has chosen? Some kids are like that you know! That said, you are watching out for child and it is a good thing. Perhaps the only other thing you can help her do is have something "outside" the box zone - do something that is uncomfortable for her once a week or every now and then. That will help her get a break from her routine. Now how you do that is the challenge and what is also the challenge you have to figure out.

The truth is for many highschoolers, the only priority is what they are doing! So there is no balancing as we see it,

parents I mean! Just yesterday a 15 year old I know was rattling out data on ACT scores - nationally, district wise, school wise and where she stands amidst all that while I listened with a wide eyed look on my face!

Hope this helps feel a little better. You know you are awesome! Will post more as I think through more on this and @justanothergirl, JAG would love to hear from you as well!

 

@Laks09 letting her have her way with her course is the best gift to our kids from where i stand.. you know dd's journey as well ds..

He is so happy with his choice much to the irritation and irk of his peers who think he thinks,eats and sleeps the subject so much that their complaints to me are he is not sleeping at all.. as parent i can feel for it, but they are adults and they need to find the balance..we can nudge,we can support and provide the nourishment appropriately if we can or just pray he learns of you can't do
Right now he is looking at lateral transfers into other uni and has to write the exams and with the competition here it is hard..but i dont have the heart say be happy doing it in the same..if he wants to give it a try why not.. we just support whatever it is he wants as long as he is able to putforth a convincing argument to us.

Parenting i say is never ending..and always a hits and miss..we learn..

 

Thank you for the tag @kkrish @Srama. Long and short of it is I am in the same boat and my heartfelt sympathies to all the moms and kiddos. I couldn't have lasted 2 days doing what these kids do.
HS been quite a ride so far with DS1 and here is my confession for the day -none of the boys have any specific chores assigned to them on a daily basis. But that does not mean they don't help around the house. They do.
When things need to be done I just ask them to help me. I find that easier than assigning specific chores and then reminding them to do it. My energy levels are diff each day and their school work loads are diff too so I tweak as I go along. Eg today I wasn't feeling too well but groceries needed to be done and my local indian store can be zoo on weekends. Before I headed out I just said loudly to no one in particular "India bazar pohanum .(I need to go to India Bazaar). Amma kku konjam tired a irukku. (Amma is a little tired). Can some one come with me?." Instantly I had 2 volunteers. DS1 came with me stood in line helped me load unload the bags and I also got to chat with him the whole way. Same with laundry ,clean up etc. When they are busy with their school work I /DH take care of things and if I cannot I just let it go. Its not the end of the world if the house is messy. The overall responsibility for chores is still mine at home .I ask for help as needed. I walk into their room and say "room needs to be cleaned." Then I direct them with specific steps . Put that way. Vaccuum. Now take ur hampers to the garage and load the washing machine. Its a bit of overhead but they happily do it .

They are under a lot of pressure Laks. My heart goes out to them . They are young and scared and trying to figure out too many things all at once. All we can do is hold their hands and reassure. Sometimes asking them to relax itself is adding pressure.

DS has an hour of PE and bikes to and from school . It isnt a whole lot but decent physical activity. I doubt he can handle more with his academic load.

For now I have no other expectations for him other than his school work and spending time with us before he leaves home .I know he has his heart in the right place and will take care of himself and others if needed. So I just let him be for now.

 

Dear JAG,

Thank you for responding!! You put better in words what I wanted to. Dear @Laks09 , this here is what I use often like two time a week

to get DS to go with me and spend time away from all the pressures!