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Hiding "me" Infront Of Life Partner

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Sep 26, 2019.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    HI Il,



    May be most of ladies facing same problem. Being a kind is very difficult some times. myself i am a hardcore feminist but trying to act like semi-traditional wife in front of husband.

    ofcourse i am confusing you.



    i had 2 male persons closely to my life those are a male friend(absolutely friend only) and my husband.



    actually i want to express my feelings...want share opinions...want to chat/bat about some non sense about any of topic. mean yelling or laughing from soul or crying or expressing any of my emotion freely with other person directly.



    but all these things seriously i want to do with my husband, but due to mismatch between his thought process and my thought process, nothing is happening. we are absolutely behaving with each other like professional business partners who have ethics, sexual need from each other. we both are sharing kids needs, house management needs and financial discussions. thats it. i feel some border line thickens in between us may be because of generation gap(he is 6 yr elder and expected wife who will fallow him bluntly instead of putting her own brain) and always he will not agree with me.



    i am selfish bit. i prefer to use my salary initially for my needs, then to kids, then to next family like my parents and husband. i like to use 5% for social services. i preferred to provide work options & guidance to persons who are in need instead of donating directly. so that they can solve their future problems. my husband is actually earning more than me, but he likes to donate lump sum to one of his uncle's old age foundation. apart from that he asks me to save money in case of maids, and grocessory purchases so on...like lower middle class persons. specially he is behaving like a miser after my second kid but he is enjoying his comforts. so pressuring me to reduce maids or manage kitchen with less budget. he brought bunch of toys for my son. but he never spent 10% his first kid spending on my daughter. he is hard worker, he is spending 95% of time for earning and remaining with kids(3%) cum his friends(2%). i think my share is 1% all over week.



    at same time he is ruining my wishes like i want to spend with him, want to share my feelings, want to have dinner together peacefully so on...cinematic dreams all are but not require a penny, only require time. financially he has ability to take me to foreign trips, but he didnt in last 9 yrs. he never smiles with me when we are together from heart.



    at same time he is so much intrested to chat with his friends when i am beside. he is very intrested to watch TV comedy shows to have big laughs, not even cares my presence or reaction. He will come from office early to watch that shows. but at least once in a month he will not come to spend with me.



    Sex is like weekly once. that too he reduced foreplay lot after my 2nd delivery. he brought vaginal gel after my oppose to do sex. i said i am getting pain. instead of increasing foreplay he is saying he dont have time...he is getting sleep...kids will get disturbed if we do more than 5 minutes...so on...so when he gets mood, just he do as per his wish and will apply gel, then get his work done. i am really embrassing myself now why i shouldn't shout on him....but that leads to his passive agreessive nature and silent treatment which worse our relation even more.



    so apart from, because no one is there to share all over my feelings i started to share with my male friend. my male friend is bachelor still, and he is loving some other girl(one side love). but he listens me with patience. he also shares his stories and emotions with me. but every time when ever i am sharing with my friend, my soul is dreaming it will be very nice if my husband listens like him, it will be very nice if my husband behaves with me like my friend instead of professional partner.



    myself i am moving away from my husband more day by day. i have interest on him. he is over kind then me. he do his duties and responsibilities very well. he is matured and do lot of savings & safety factors to me, kids future if some thing happens to him. but i am hating his communication via whatsapp, nit even phone call, all time busy and prefer to spend with some thing else even i am available. no dedicated time for me in his schedule. if some thing very important that he want to tell, he will inform in 2/3 sentences. not even explained whats before and after.





    again i am trying get back my dream guy in my dreams intensionally.
     
    malathi0874 likes this.
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Do not wreck your home for this dream guy. Kill him first (I mean in your dreams, "intentionally") and see how you can save your home.

    I feel it is easy to restore things with a matured husband and a father of your children, who does his duties and responsibilities very well than running after your "dream guy".
     
    umaakumar and beautifullife30 like this.
  3. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Cinematic Life - romance, running around trees like teenagers, chocolate and icecream dreams...hmmm who wouldnt love that right !! But look at the bigger picture. There will again be a lot of women who would love to have all that u have. So rather than having immature dreams get back to reality and thank your stars that your life is way more comfortable than unfortunate ones out there !!
     
    beautifullife30, Giri12 and joylokhi like this.
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you ever tried to spell it for your husband?

    Like, if you want to go to a movie, ask him to take you to the movie.
    If you want to talk, ask him to listen.
    Without overdoing, start asking things in a small way and see how it goes.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    @Reesha Please don't share "how is your relationship with spouse" with a male friend, if he is from your work place, then you are more in problem. You never know once you reveal even little personal info to others where and all it goes. even though you think he understands what you are sharing, he can't unless they also walking on the same path to even know what you are saying, a bachelor guy even gal can't understand.
     
  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Hi dear.. its very easy to feel this way when you have misunderstanding with your husband and disagreements wrt intimacy and financial issues..in such case we dream of perfect man who will treat us well and do whatever we want and be romantic always..but what to do..such perfection is not possible in this world...all husbands have irritating qualities.. better to mould your husband and imagine him as your dream man rather than fantasising about some imaginary Mr right...if he is otherwise supportive and good dad to your kids and fulfils responsibilities well and doesn't harass you and is respectful and treats you ok and gets along with your family then consider that as a plus point..
    My husband is also like this only...that too I'm not even working so I dont have outlet to outside world also..so I dont have complete financial freedom too..he also doesn't give me quality time or show interest in me....I'm like room mate and partner for sake of society... it's been ages and ages since he took me out for lunch date ... but what to do..these days I dont vent out very personal things to any friends ..no close Male friends..so the chance of me getting drawn to anyone else or compare with anyone else is nil that's the difference.
     
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  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    Op, Listen to the people above. this is true. Please do not share the information between you and your husabnd to another person. It is hard for a third party to fully comprehend the relationship issues and it ofetn leads to misinterpretations and thereby bigger issues. Also, does your husband know that you have a friend like this? I wouldn't do anything that I cannot tell my husband. Being said that, you really have to work on the communication with your husband. I used to be like you. I used to think, yes I need to say that all (spend more time with me, I have a different view than you on this issue, what you are doing at home is not enough etc) at the end of the day or end of the week, and I never had the courage to speak up. But when I learned how important is communication, things changed. I tried to think from the other side too. It is hard, but express your opinions slowly. even if you want to swallow it, take a deep breath, and tell him, or write to him. I initially used to text my husband. When he yells, I was not able to yell back, instead i text him right away what i want to tell. it gave me courage to express myself then and there.

    It is into easy with two kids to manage everything. Talk to your husband, on all the issues but not overwhelm. Everyday find some "us" time for just the two of you. Start with something simple. Is there a way for a getaway with just your husband and you? It might also help with the situation.

    No matter how you hide your opinions, one way or another it will come through at some point. but being in a relationship, it is your responsibility too to let him know who you are. How long can you suppress yourself like this?
     
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with Angela s reply above I.e you should not be sharing such private issues with a male friend..you're a married woman..there is a limit for friendship especially when with opposite gender.. it's ok to share general issues like common day to day probs and work related issues and politics and entertainments and general day to day stuff with male friends but sharing very personal problem is not so good according to me..
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  9. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't let your 'me' in you talk to the 'me' in the other male friend.

    Untitled.png

    Instead, If you want to know the real 'me', come to me.
     
    aamini and SGBV like this.
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, will you be happy if your husband share issues , emotions, and intimate stories of your married life with his female friend? How will you react if you came to know about it?

    Its lack of respect, I believe

    Talking or sharing negative aspects of ones spouse or married life is good method to spoil ones own marriage. Look like you want that. Whenever we talk negative, we add more negativity to our relationship with spouse even if it's with male or female friends. It build up more resentments. Also he is unmarried, he can't help you in anyway. He is simply enjoying the fun. Do you have any idea about his impression about you. May not be good.

    Also, you are crossing your boundary unknowingly. Having a good friend is a plus. But sharing at this level is a very bad idea.

    Your married life is your very personal issue. Keep it between you and dh. Look like you have a good life . Communicate more. I think lack of sexual satisfaction may be affecting you. Dont shout at him . Instead convey in a nicer way, that you cannot enjoy it. So if he cannot spend enough time with you for that, dont come for it. You also need to enjoy it, not only him.. you can move to another room for it if you feel you disturb kids. It also not good to have sex with kids in the same room. Be practical. On weekends, find sometime undisturbed by kids and use that. When he watch tv join and cuddle with him, hug and kiss more often..you can find many methods to improve your life. Complaining or pointing fingers wont work.

    So see positives and try to improve. No one is perfect. Think from his side too.
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
    KashmirFlower likes this.

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