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hi .. m feeling very frustrated n down .. please suggest

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Varshap21, Jan 10, 2012.

  1. Varshap21

    Varshap21 Bronze IL'ite

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    How can I join till late night ? we are join family .. my in laws are there .. he has that freedom but I dont
     
  2. blessedgirl

    blessedgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Varsha,

    I think you are enjoying each and every moment with your hubby, obviously its normal too :). My opinion is you just trying to avoid him...just shows that you are busy with your personal works.. You know these guys can't tolerate our ignorance:). As on my personal experience am saying this will work out dear..On the other side just love him at max...he will be yours always..

    All the best!!
    Cheer up & Keep Smiling:) :)


    With Regards,
    Aishwarya
     
  3. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    oh in laws wont let you go?
     
  4. ironescort

    ironescort New IL'ite

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    Sindura is right.... If your husband doesnt have friends, then he will keep nagging his wife and will look out for more affection and concentration from you and will try to dominate you from all angles.

    This is one of the common problems that wifes face today. But u say that he is loving and caring, what else u need. You say that you are educated and also you are working. So you should accept that the way he is.
    As a matter of fact he is not indulging in extra marrital affairs, which many people do or try to do these days.

    If you try to put a block to this (a normal girls attitude), then iam quiet sure you are bound to face much problems - fights - then he quotes ur attitude problem and then u defense it with his carelessness and then he brings ur family matters and u bring his family matters and this goes on and on till ur life.

    Believe me - everybody face this problem, either a man or a women, they at somepoint in their life will face this problem. In some cases, men report this type of problem toooo.

    Giving without expectacations is the only solution for all husband - wife problems. But it is very very very difficult to achieve that.
     
  5. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Varshap,

    Before I start saying anything, I just want to say just chill... This is not an issue this is just a difference in perspective between you and your DH... There is nothing to feel down...

    Based on the answers given by you, I understand that your husband goes for these late nights every 15 - 20 days, which is quite normal, guys do love to go out with friends once in a month or twice in a month, my husband also does that. I guess you need to get used to this, he needs his personal space.

    The main issue here is not your husband going for late nights but it is that he is not taking you out on weekends but sleeps or watches TV.
    I also faced the same issue.
    Instead of telling him not to go out with friends, talk with your husband and ask him to take you out.
    As you said since he is a caring and fun loving person he will understand, but this will not be a single days work it might take a month or two you need to have patience.
    I once casually asked my husband why do guys feel good in their friends company then being with the spouse he said you girls come out with one problem or the other for discussion and that upsets the outing or the relaxation time and when they are with their friends they enjoy each and every moment forgetting all the problems in life. That is when I realised no issue should be discussed during your outing just let them chill.

    Now what you can do is

    1. Suggest places where he loves to go or where he can have fun.
    2. Since he watches TV a lot ask him to take you to a theatre, I did rather say you book the tickets,if he does not come once fine leave it and just say how you longed to watch the movie with him, and do the same again, he will surely come out once, when he comes dont talk about any issue but make sure he enjoys each and every moment of his outing so that he looks forward for it.
    3. Do not ask him to avoid his friends that is a BIG NO NO...
    4. If possible involve his friends also once in a while and plan an outing together with his friends and their families.
    5. Once he starts coming out with you and enjoys the time he himself will look forward for it...

    One small suggestion, dont wait for your husband's change rather you start changing the way you handle him and the situaltion in a way he likes, he will automatically change.

    Thanks
    Malar.
     
    3 people like this.
  6. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,
    Its not very uncommon for guys to continue the same lifestyle and spending max time with friends with friends. Not everyone can understand the difference so easily and make changes. So don't spend your energy over the 'why'. Focus on how you could change it. Your expectation that your life partner should spend more time with you is not unreasonable either.
    You just should change the way you are going to make this happen. If you argue with him or show disappointment/dislike or talk less when he is back after spending good time with his friends, he might just get irritate and keep that aloof. Better way would be to get involved and show interest. After all his friends were there way before you came in his life and if they make him so happy, means his friends are much important part of his life and he expects you to honour that fact. So ask him about his friends, what they did together (not interrogate) this will make him understand that you respect his need to be with his friends and more important give you insights on what is it that keeps him glued to his buddies. Same things would glue him to you if you do them together (of course there would be things you may not be able to do together) like for my hubby, he likes it when I talk business or technical things or watch action/suspense thrillers with him.
    You could also arrange for get together with all friends and their families. Or invite them over maybe you could make some friends out of it.
    All the best.
    Vaidehi
     
  7. delightedmom

    delightedmom New IL'ite

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    hi..
    Just as psych said.. why dont you make friends with your hubby s friends.. that will give you your husbands company.. im friends with all my hubbys friends we go out together often, even when all of them where bachelors and we got married we used to go out together, now that all of them are married we are like one big extended group of friends.. we share a great rapport..
    one more thing.. start being positive have your own set of friends.. never depend on husband completely to keep your time occupied as it may make you depressed at the end..
    give some time to your husband he will surely start missing your company and will start wanting time with you..
    men will be bachelors at heart, long after they are married dear.. it takes some time for them to come into the family way..
    be a little patient and positive dear.. dont worry
     
  8. rkgurbani

    rkgurbani IL Hall of Fame

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    I think all our friends here have given valuable suggestions.

    Friends are part and parcel of life. either way we have to accept this.

    As long as your DH cares for you and loves you, that is more important. If he completely ignores you and does not bother about you, then yes, it is a matter to worry about.

    Try mixing in with his crowd. Am sure, he will be happy and similarly, you could plan outings which will involve both your circles of friends.

    Good Luck dear...dont worry much. With a little patience and tactics , all will fall in place.
     
  9. semaphore

    semaphore Senior IL'ite

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    ohh dear , Take it easy. You will digest it gradually.
    I have gone through that phase. I gave up and mingle with those friend families once in a while.
    Once I stopped questioning ,My dh goes every friday untill midnight rather than 2 days.
    I spend time talking to friends/Family in India...In that way I get my own space.

    Things are much better since I dont expect it.
    Try to do something and get involved.
    like sindhura said, dont make dh center point..
    btw, i still hate my dh doing it but I have learnt how to reduce damaging myself by stressing out.

    Good luck. takecare
     
  10. vchelluri

    vchelluri Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Varsha,
    Wish you a happy new year too dear.
    Coming to your problem, most of the ladies have given valuable suggestions already. I personally liked Sindura's more. I agree with you that it really hurts when husband hangs out with friends till midnights and have less time with wife, how much ever he may be caring and loving. But it's a quite common nature in many of the guys as they will be in this habit since before marriage and can't simply get rid of it after marriage whatever you do.
    But if you really feel upset, please try to convey your feelings in a quiet and cool way so that he can understand what is going on in your mind. But never force him or try to convince him about his behaviour. It won't work and he may get irritated; instead you explain your feelings to him and request him to spare sometime for you too during weekends.
    Try to make a habit of playing some indoor games like chess/carroms with him or play some outdoor games as shuttle or go out for a park or so when he is free or trying to sit infront of the tv. If you are unable to express your feelings then write it in a paper and drop it in a place where he can get it. But make sure that he understand your stress. And please don't expect immediate results as it may take lots of your patience and time. Till then along with your cool efforts try to engage yourself in good books and nice hobbies. Hope you find a way to get rid of your stress soon dear.

    Latha.
     

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