Helping My Mother, The Care-giver And Father, The Heart-patient

My mother has currently been turned to the role of care-giver after my father's recent heart surgery. It has been an emotionally trying time for all of us - the diagnosis, the procedure and the follow up procedure remaining. I have been having many sleepless nights ever since the diagnosis.

My father's diet and lifestyle has to now be on a planned regimen. Father is very active and has always been hands-on in the upkeep of our home (helps sweep and mop, organizes, and does grocery shopping). But he is a work-aholic and stresses himself out in (physically, time-wise and mentally) - in order to be at his productive-best with his life goals - which we all respect and love him for. But are saddened at how his health is the cost he pays with for all this.

We have never had help to cook or clean and parents have managed all these years (when we lived at home, we all helped with chores). Parents live by themselves now and are in 60s and 70s. However the diet restrictions and the cooking involved is really draining my mother and her patience. We have no financial constraints - so the only constraint is that they are used to doing their own chores and cannot for 1 minute imagine that they need help. They think it is much easier doing, than supervising, guiding and getting work done. I have tried in so many ways explaining to them that this mode of operation is not sustainable. As each day goes by, and every time I talk to them - I hear and fear the stress and animosity growing between them. Instead of rejoicing in each other's company during retirement - they seem to get argumentative for every small reason.

They visit us abroad every couple of years for 6 months.
When they are not with us - I don't know how to help them. I feel at a loss and helpless at not being able to contribute to their daily well-being - especially at trying times like this when I have to be so far.

Fortunately I am going to be visiting them for a short while (as much as my work will permit) soon.

How can I really help them? Both when I visit and now when I am far?

One thing I am going to do is to get some domestic help when I am there - whom I will help train and supervise. And show them that it could help their quality of life.

They both have extremely different interests (mother: temples, spirituality, eating out, movies/serials/magazines) (father: tech gadgets, maintaining/cleaning home, ). I am not sure how I can help them enjoy each other's companies and do at least some pleasurable activity for respite from the daily monotony of life.

 

Dear @ashneys Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply...

These words hit me hard - because I believe in it completely. But today I am restricting my father - only so that he doesn't literally hurt himself in every way with his work. He can easily skip two meals in a day if he has set his mind to finish some work. He can also get by with very little sleep. He is a perfectionist and hence can get quite unhappy with typical quality of work and will do it all himself. And it is these exactly these things - diet, lifestyle and stress - that are major factors for heart disease (in addition to genetics which we don't have much control over).

And you say a "few months" - but it can be a couple of decades! :-( And your loved ones want every bit of time to be with you.

But I truly take to heart what you say - I cannot make him a "different person" and then hope he will be healthier. that's not possible.[/QUOTE][/QUOTE]

 

Thank you very much for your sweet words @periamma and also sharing your situation and how you are handling it.

Yes, I will definitely try out a cook or a maid when I am home so that they can experience what it is like. But the cook will definitely be a valued help when I am visiting because it will be more members. When it is time for me to leave, I am sure they will say it is only two of us and we can manage very well. I have to come up with a good reason for convincing them then.

I will also ask in the local regions forum in IL as to how we might find some caterers like that. (We are from Chennai in the Mandaveli/Mylapore/Adyar locality) Ideally I would like to hire someone by word of mouth - for reasons of reliability and safety. But to "ask around" and then get some one within the few weeks I will be home will be hard. So we might have to use an agency.

 

Thanks @Anusha2917 dear! Happy to hear you were able to make some successful changes in your home(s).

Yes, a walk is highly recommended. But parents can't agree on when they would like to go and how long - so they go on the same route at two different times of the day! I used to be proud of each of their strength and independence - now I wish for some positive "dependence" aka companionship? sigh...

 

Dear @yellowmango You make so many excellent points. thank you very much!
In my panic, these are the exact reminders I need!!

That's the key. I was of the fact that they will be willing to make drastic changes given the severity of the health situation - but I guess their "comfort" is in going back to the "routine" of their usual life.

Very very true. I have to stress that point. It is a temporary change till we handle what is at hand.

Yes, we had financial constraints growing up but are very comfortable now. But their spending ways have not changed. This is a very good thing in one way but in ways of using resources to improve quality of life - that is not happening.

I ask her and she has very simple requirements. But it involves dad and he is too busy to allocate sufficient time for her.

Yes, this is key and I am forgetting it being in the midst of all the new changes.

No, everyone is quite busy and involved in their lives - understandably. But thank you for sharing how your parents do it. I was actually thinking of this aspect quite a bit. When I was in University we used to spend a lot of time with an elderly aunt and uncle - they were recent empty nesters and missed their own kids a lot and took care of us so well. And we helped them happily with odds and ends around their home and garden. And it was just such a joy to have someone like family when we were thousands of miles away from our parents.