Helpful suggestions for my married life.

JMSD and Tano
Sorry to be blunt Tanoshi and ur DH might have similar attitude but ur situation and hers are very dff.
Dealing with chores in a household of two adults with one non-working is very diff from being a working mom of two kids.
In Tanos case help is a plus...but not critical. .In urs its critical.
Ur DH is not a baby . He is a fully grown adult and he understands that clothes don't walk up to the washing machine,kids don't bathe /go to bed on their own,homework doesn't get done
on its own and even if one day lunch box is not packed they can go hungry the whole day.
8 yrs is a very long time .U've tried ur method of asking ,pleading and showering love....trying to be superwoman . Apparently it didn't work. What makes u think
continuing this approach for the next 18 yrs will work? Even if did...is that all what u want to be doing ?

Try this...refuse to do whatever u have been doing . Tell him u cannot continue to do this.
Assign chores to him . You can be clever and assign the ones that are least critical to kids and impacting him the most. No its not rude. ITs survival.
The hard part is this. If its not done it will remain undone until he feels the pinch. You wont jump in just because it bothers u or feel guilty.
Simple eg if ur DH takes a lunch box to work..tell him he needs to wash it and leave it for drying.
If u dont see a clean lunch box in the morning don't pack him lunch. Simple .He is an adult he can get himself a sandwich if he is hungry.
I am sure he will sulk...well so be it When adults behave like kids they need to treated as such.


JMSD people don't respect you until you respect yourself. It begins with him learning to respect ur time and what u do for the family.
Love and expression of it comes later..and believe me it will.

 

JAG,

I understand everyone has a different way of seeing life. Yours is right to you, mine is right to me. I agree.
But calling an ace an ace or hitting the nail on the head does not work all the time dear.
I very well understand Jmsd's and my situation are not exactly same. Yes she NEEDS that help and I don't AS OF NOW.

Anyway, everyone has their own way of dealing with their problems. It is her life and its her choice to pick what would work for her. I do hope she finds the strength to deal with it which ever way she deems fit.


Thanks Jogu. Its not just about what all we go through or for how long, it finally comes down to what we learn from it.

 

Hey Tanoshii,,

U r absolutely rite, its everyone's perspective, nevertheless I feel u r a strong gal and know how to handle things...I understand ur plight and know tht things will change gradually....dont worry...keep smilin...

Everyone seems to be having their take, in this situation....I guess she shud do wht she seems right and is comfortable doin, rite...!!!

Chill....cool.....stay positive.....God is there to take care...my mantra....wht say..???

 

Thank you Jogu. Wish the same for everyone

 

Lol, thanks for your coffee logo compliment... it keeps me alive and kicking and I'm called a caffeine addict.. hehe :-D it helps me survive..

Nevertheless, coming to the point, jmsd, we all have plans A to Z in life... So if plan A didnt work, jump to plan D.. Try different things... I do like your never-say die attitude, but it should come with a solution-oriented approach as well.. After all, your H is a human being, with flesh and blood... He needs a rude shock, on his face! Give him that, and toy with that one thing, that will shake him up! It will be hard for you too, but he needs a wake up call. Be rigid, and give him that hard treatment, that will tell him how he has always taken you and your emotions for granted! And if he does realize that, your mission is accomplished!

JAG, from jmsd's posts I do feel that she needs her H emotionally more than physically helping around!

Maybe getting one on track will help the other, but she seems more worried about the fact that he doesnt play with the kids, or be there for her and her kids in sickness and health, rather than worry about domestic chores!

And there is an emotional disconnect, which tano also feels with her H, that they compare their situations!

jmsd,
I hope the posts here do help you see your problem from a different perspective, but your H sure needs some professional help to understand what you are going through day in day out. Your expectations are more than normal, and as much as he is passionate about career, he has jobs at home too - to be your H and your kids' father. These roles come with emotional responsibilities with remuneration in the form of smiles and love. Only when he understands this, he would understand the meaning of a family. Be rigid and give him the rude shock, or drag him by the collar to a therapist! Yes, its easier said than done, but the right thing is always the most difficult to do. I hope you get into action, good luck!

 

Dear Tano
I know I was blunt and I am sorry about that but I want OP to see things for what they are.
In time ur situation will change and when it does the way u handle it should change too...but then again you might choose not too and it might work for you.

Dear SSC
There are multiple problems with OP..emotional disconnect ,dads involvement in childs life ,help at home.
The first I am not the right person to comment and left it out deliberately....my beliefs about it are vastly different.

The last two are whole another thing and they are interconnected. OP is trying to bite more than she can chew AND feeling resentful about the situation. In time it will only get worse and if the problem is not solved kids will pay the price .As a dad and husband getting involved in his childs life and pulling his fair share of load at home is not an option. Its his duty. I cannot let my child be deprived of my DHs involvement regardless of what I am capable of . THe time we have with our kids in our homes is very limited . 18yrs..to be exact. As a working mom if I am responsible both for child care and household 24/7 365 then that will take away precious time away from my children. Either that or we figure out a way to make our day 48/72 hrs. This is more so when u have more than one kid.

Also A child needs a dads touch as much as a moms. I think regardless of how
efficient I am I can never replace or come close to the way my DH handles my children. We are very different people and have different approaches and my children thrive under both our care. They deserve it and to that end I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I think I have said all I wanted to say and as Tanos said end of the day its OPs call and I wish her the best.

 

Like I said JAG, everyone has a right to their opinion.
I understand with time the way we deal with a problem might change, depending on the circumstances and the people. Patience may not solve everything. But for me, in this situation, it does seem to work. For a person who is passively aggressive, I know from my own painful experience, going on strike or giving them a do or die situation does not work. When a person is emotionally insecure, you can't pounce on them and expect them to act any different. That only drives them back into their deep self.

No one here is saying the husband should be allowed to go on without devoting a little time with the kids. Obviously more than anything that is most important. But you can't just drop the kids on his lap and say take care or else??? or else what??? What can you say there?

I just felt it needs to be handled a little more softly. A different perspective and the same old patience can do wonders.

Also me being different from her in that I don't have kids yet or I don't work does not make the situation any different from the fact that the husbands remain distant. I am dealing with the "emotional disconnect" myself and am just trying to tell the OP what I can. The same way as you can talk about dads involvement in childs life and help at home. Don't you think?

 

Hey jmsd,

Its nice to know that atleast u are out of ur shell in the sense that u hv decided to share...I know that though sharing may or may not resolve ur issues but it surely does lessen the intensity and your thoughts are diverted which make u think and act logically and more sensibly...

Bang on man...When ur H can handle his professional life so well, gets appreciated and applauded for what he does, I am sure he is capable of handling his personal life too in a positive way which he surely can...Guess theres still hope for u...so pls try and convince him for the counsellin thing, I am sure that will click....

Also, u need to stay strong and focused...pls do not loose hope or patience cause patience is the key trust me...Understand tht its been a while and ur over and above ur saturation point but yet would suggest you to initiate again and start with a different approach this time....

Well, what you could do is sit down and relax for while and think about how are u gonna start dealin with this and the different approaches tht u r gonna begin with...Good luck to u and we are always here for u so dont worry...Be positive and be strong..

 

Hi jmsd,

Wonderful ladies have given some great responses to your problem. My 2 cents:

Why cant you tell your kids, run to dad and play with him when you are busy. Also just casually tell your DH to take care of them as well. Also to help in kids homework, I am sure your DH should be good in one subject - be it, maths, science, language.. Why cant you assign that homework to him saying he is too good in that and your kid will surely excel with his help on that particular subject... I am saying this for a start..

Few days take your time to pack your husband lunch so that he gets late to office.. later when your are getting ready to office, you can ask him to pack his lunch himself..else it will be late for him.
I am just giving few ideas because by this way you can slowly involve him.. Yes, it will be really tough because he has been like this for 8 years with you.. but better late than never..!!

I am sure you will find some ways to change your husband, might take a long time, but hold on and be strong..!!