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Helpful suggestions for my married life.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jmsd, Dec 10, 2011.

  1. blessbabydust

    blessbabydust IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear hugs and cuddles to you .. why do you get stressed because you have accepted the fact of his nature and personality ...nothing can be change but you can heal your husband by your love .. try this for 21 days :-
    Chant sitting next to him or sleeping next to him :-
    i love you
    thank you
    iam sorry
    please forgive me

    this worked for me and made our relationship more stronger after i been affected by post natal depression .... after this iam a new person so does my husband ... :) Hope this works for you dear ... this is called self healing therapy ... I will include you in my prayers every friday hope you problem will be solved soon .. lots and lots of love you and positive energy to you
     
  2. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Tanoshii

    Thanks for the reply.A rather heartwarming reply.
    Though looking at couples who are well connected and (almost )perfectly happy gives me immense pleasure,it is somehow reassuring to find that there are other people also who are in the same boat and are making best efforts to add the best to their marriages.
    It gives encouragement.
    Your post was very encouraging too.
    Thanks a ton.
    And no he is not a piscean but a saggitarius.

    SSC

    That is my point too.I tell him at times that you always say that I love you but your action speak otherwise.
    I am not able to absorb how love and care be two dissociated things.

    Subhejamal

    Like I said ,it's reassuring to find other people in the same boat only if this is not the boat for the doomed.All of us are making efforts.And all of us are frustrated that despite all our strength ,it does not steer the right way.

    Deepa10

    I know he's not going to change.But still I get desperate because the longing inside me doesn't die.
    I have more than hands full with my domestic work, family and my business which keeps me going.
    If I calculate ,I would not even have a minute for him ,maybe I am too busy for him but still I can't go on without him.

    Polymorphic

    I guess you are right to a certain extent.
    He did not expect that I would be able to manage everything so well,even at cost of myself.
    Biting more than you are able to chew can be true in my case in the sense that I am forced to eat his bite as well as mine at the same time.

    Blessedbabydust

    Thanks for including me in your prayers.I need them.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2012
  3. deepa10

    deepa10 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks.. Sometimes my husband says I am not expressive.. That s why I asked this. Thanks for clarifying!!
     
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  4. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Everyone has a different way of viewing life. It just needs to be tuned a little here and there to be able to understand and accept the other's views. :)
     
  5. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear JMSD,

    Hope is everything in life. You try to move ahead only when you hope things could get better.
    From what you said, he does seem trapped in his world. In his past and the fears and insecurities that grew with it are just probably restricting him from moving ahead.
    Unless he stops denying and looks for a way to let go for it, its not going to be easy for him to appreciate the present.
    Wish you the best and hope it works out for you soon :)
     
  6. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    jmsd,
    Please think about the following yourself. You dont have to jot down answers over here at IL. Rather, think about it:

    1. How long can you go on like this if he is not going to change?
    2. If you cannot go through this for long, have you come up with solutions for your problems?
    3. Have you suggested counselling/therapy to him? What is his take on it?
    4. I'm sure, you would have tried yelling/crying/reasoning or whatever it takes to reach out to him.. How did he react to all of those?
    5. Can you to come up with some possible division of work w.r.t attending to kids, because that will let him spend some time with the kids? Like you do the laundry, so that he can sit down and engage the kids in some activity and so on? It cant be you doing the laundry and playing with the kids as well! The kids are a good place to start with, and will eventually reach you as well...

    Think about putting some of them into action or coming up with your own plans as well... I do hear you, and want to offer suggestions... Years of companionship come with good communication, love and affection! Words/gestures -> one of them may suit a person, but 'actions' should definitely be there!
     
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Jmsd...I have a question...have u tried to go on strike?
    No.... I am very serious.What do u think will happen?
     
  8. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Tanoshii

    Thanks for the wishes.
    Being in the same situation as myself ,you sound to be more mature and balanced person than even I am(I usually am very patient and mature,but I face my breaking points pretty regularly,say once every four months).
    Inspired from your post:) this morning I told him (politely,I am generally polite)"Please don't leave your towel in the dressing room,I am not picking it up from today onwards" I got a half embarrassed smile!Good for starters!!
    Would love to hear more from you.

    SSC

    I am constantly (8Years!!) working on all of that with a never say die spirit.But lack of result does dampen my spirits.
    Your coffee logo in your dp appeals to me a lot.I too am a coffee lover and my consumption levels have gone up steeply since my younger one came to make me busier.And not to mention again that I have to do a number of stupid things!;)

    Justanothergirl

    With two kids,who need to be attended every few minutes, going on strike is not an option for me.Selectively striking against his work ,I don't know why seems very rude .Can't do that.Personal handicap ,you can say!!
     
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  9. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    That is a wonderful start Jmsd. The towel incident just shows how easily you both could communicate. Just do it subtly and its like helping him understand one step at a time. He may not become a different person in time, but he'll at least open up and be what he can be.

    Ooooh..no no no...Am not such a saint all the time. I turn into the most unbearable rebel when ever I feel like it, when ever it goes beyond my limits. Like JAG said, I go on a strike every now and then to remind him we've BOTH got to be on the same page if we plan to make this marriage work.

    But yes, I sit and talk to him. Its just the two of us, so I get really lonely very often and that leads to depressions. But you know you will get through these things dear and you'll pick yourself up. Its just a matter of time. You are already doing it for your children's sake!! That is something.

    How old are your sons?? Have you guys tried playing games on weekends, indoor if not out door?
    Team up with one kid each and start some group activity, anything for that matter. My friend recently had a second child, he's still very young. Even shopping is a team work for them. She'll say - you take care of the younger one and I'll take the older with me or the other way round. The choice is the father's. But that's only to pick which kid he's going to spend time with, not IF he wants to spend time. Just rush over the whole thing and run before he can say anymore.

    Only if you let go, say you are fine with WHAT EVER HE MANAGES TO DO, he'll also gain the confidence, better yet the CHANCE to try his way. I never let my husband go shopping. I'd do it just cos it seemed easy for me. Now I ask him once in a while, he resists obviously, saying he cannot or that I'll do a better job or even would manage to say - why suddenly now? What's cooking in your head?? I would let him know then that a little help would be appreciated. Even if he comes back with the wrong stuff, don't say anything. Just let him know the help was good and next time he'll do it right. Trust me, he will.

    If you are a perfectionist (I am..and I know that does not help always), don't expect him to be one too.
    Let him do what ever he can, if he does it, that is a big deal in itself.

    And its not about being in the situation at all dear. Only when I learned to stand away and see it the way he does, I understood how to handle it. My way is necessarily not the only way.

    Like someone mentioned before and you yourself agreed, you bit more than you could chew. Now start taking it easy. When you show that you are in control, he'll only be too happy to let thing continue the way they are. SO let go a little by little and just watch the difference in you as well as him.
     
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  10. jogu07

    jogu07 Gold IL'ite

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    Wow...I have been following the thread from start till the last post by Tanoshii....And I must say that U ladies are doin a commendable job...!!! Great going...!!!

    @jmsd - Well I think what Tanoshii is suggesting is exactly what I was supposed to and feels right at this point and time, however I would also suggest that be a little more patient with him and shower all your love on him, I mean u need to express it, make him feel that he is important and what he means to u...Well I dont know if its true but what I feel is that he has been deprived of love and emotional bondings and that has made him so cold and insensitive....I would say put across everything and anything u want to but in a manner u would do it with a child, mayb he needs that and who knows mayb ur over powering affection and love might bring a change in him which would benefit not only u n ur kid but also help him as well...Cause if he is the kind of man that he is (I mean even in his professional life) it is not good for him...someday he will definitely come to a saturation point, the time he realises might be too late....All I am sayin is give it shot, cause I think "he needs u more than u and ur son need him" mark my words...

    No offense meant but I think it is only u who can make or break him....Sometimes even counsellin helps...who knows mayb tht might click...once his mind and heart are all drained out, he might come out to be a different person....

    I am sayin this out of personal experience, my brother was a addict and had all the vices one could think of, he would listen to no one, he would care abt no one....But it was simply love and love that changed him completely, I know it may sound unreal but trust me, men sometimes love being treated like a kid, they love being pampered, though they may not accept it but it is the fact...

    @Tanoshii - Man I had no idea what u been through, I really appreciate all ur efforts..!!! N I know if ur DH loves u, he also feels the same however men are cold and it is diffcult for them to accept that...

    My DH was very different person when we first met, and trust me he has changed a lot for the better though... also know that not all men are alike but trust me they are in some ways or the other, it is the way how u handle them and get things done from them...LOL....Yes it is the fact that u need to get thiings done from them..which is the sad part ofcourse...They are not as sensitive as us and men tend to be more practical and find it best to be uninvolved...:)
     
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