Helpful suggestions for my married life.

Heron, it is a good opportunity to ask you since you say you had the same problem in that you were non-communicative and did not ever discuss issues. Can you tell us why it was that way? Knowing the other side may help us deal with partners who are like that.

 

There can be multiple reasons for that I think.

1. He does not think he is at fault: Most husbands(including mine) has never ever taken the first step to reconcile because they feel they were not at fault in the first place. So they feel its not their responsibility to reconcile. Moreover, they feel that if they give in to their wives "she will think i have accepted its my fault". Whereas, we women, even if we are not at fault we feel we should forgive and reconcile for the greater good of the relationship. I can totally understand you because I have faced lot of this myself. Unlike you I have given up. I know of many woman who end up apologizing for the arguements. This is a BIG mistake. This apologizing and reconciling are seen by women as a virtue. Men dont see that way.

2. He doesnt care much for the relationship: This is not bad but maybe he has settled into a routine life whereas you seek spontaneiity in marriage. This is more of a personality and stamina related stuff. My husband will plan outing but when after all the work we set out he will get irritated at the slightest thing that my DD which puts me off. Some men cannot adjust and live with others (including wife and kids). They want everything in their day-to-day life to be the way they were always used to. Relaxed, laid-back and without any other commitments. Inertia is a big drawback in most husbands. Whereas, we cant sit back and relax particularly after kids.

These are some of the observations that I have made. I am not sure if I was of help but just understanding a person may give you insight into how to "deal" with DH I know "deal" is not romantic enough but if we fantasize and wish that our DH will turn into a lover boy or a loving father without any push then you will be depressed. A push can be anything - a pat on the shoulder as appreciation, a nudge , nagging, sarcasm, anything works, silence also works but i feel its a reward for men not punishment

 

Hi JMSD,

After reading your first post, I felt like I was reading about my husband. We've been married almost 9 years now and I've known him for almost 9.5 years. Every single thing you mentioned fits my husband too. And I found out about this passive aggression just a month ago. It came as shock to me, how did I miss it all this time?? HOW STUPID WAS I???

Until then I'd bang my head against every single issue and he'd just sit and stare. Communicating was always important to me while it was the last thing he'd want. I never understood that he was silently opposing me about every single issue we ever had by just sitting there and not reacting. I was worried that he had some other problem, it scared the hell out of me at times. I kept asking him why he was that way and I'd never get any reply. After every fight I picked up out of frustration and hate for this life, he'd just walk away and go to sleep as if nothing happened. I never understood that he had mad his point and he was just assuming he won.

He does not like to spend either unless he thinks it would benefit him. His parents have always known it and they have even provided for me and his sister separately cos they know him only too well. His parents were very close to him, but he never was that into to anyone. He'd be happy in his own world. And they always argued that he was like it and I should ADJUST. After all these years and having trouble conceiving, ADJUSTING is no longer an option. We don't have children yet and the reason for it was his passive aggressive behaviour. He never wanted to and when I begged and cried for a reason, he'd just say there's something blocking him. What ever that crap was, even God would not know. Now over the years we've grown really close and even now, like you said I'm his everything - Mother, secretary, maid, home keeper and finally the wife. That too I'd probably be his third or fourth wife only after his Career, TV, computer and other worldly possessions.

But here's what I do now. I do what I can and leave the rest unattended.
The contract for the renewal of the house sits on the table for as long as a month, but the TV and his collecting needed more attention. So be it. I have made a life for myself and what needs to be communicated will be. Its not worth barking up at a tree or chasing after a car which I'd not know what to do with when I get it. I know I've lost a lot in me by trying to crack him open. I am not aware of a single thing from his field of work, but I listsn when he talks about it and sometimes like you said he even asks me for suggestions to sort out small stuff. But when I need that someone, whether I am ill, or confused or depressed, I know I'll have to pick myself up. This will only make you stronger and you've got to try it.
Emotionally draining yourself over this will never help. I've done enough of it and not any more.

As for the children, there is no excuse. He has to contribute. The child should not have to miss out on anything cos of his background.

As for his childhood, my husband grew up on his own. Parents loved him, but always felt you give birth and let them grow up the way they want. What ever they want to do is their own choice. He was taken care of financially and that is what his parents believe to be support. Emotional upbringing is totally different. If he could not do something, he would not be taught, his father would save everyone of that trouble and do it himself and be done with it. He still does it. I am still told "Your husband is like a child, he knows nothing." When else will he learn??

Its not just taking care of his parents, but him taking care of himself must have made your husband what he is today. He now needs someone to play mother to him and take care and pamper him. That is not going to make the past pain go away. Its as if he's locked away his memories and is not willing to let go of his pasts and this way he's making up for all the lost time and happiness. But its not going to help any of you.

His son seeing that in his father can think either way. Father does not bother much, maybe I should be that way too. OR Father does not bother much, I should not do that to my kids. But why give the chance for a kid to think that way at all? If your husband is expecting you to take care of as much by yourself, a few hours with the child on a weekend, or at the dinner table or before bed time is no imposition. Its his duty as a father. Talk to him about it. Its not even taking care of the child, its all about bonding with him and making him feel that there's a father figure around, a hero who'll be there for him. Him taking care of him sick family and now being around his child are not the same thing. The child deserves better from his father. Unless he opens up about it, he will not even realse what he is missing with his son. These are not sad things, these will be happy memories.

I refused to go to work simply cos of this. The more financial freedom I taste, it seemed to give him the advantage to be lost in his world longer, less dependency from me and I felt that would only make us grow apart. I have been a housewife all my life and I take care of all that I can - My home is my office and I also show him how he CAN handle both, unlike what he thinks. Its like bringing up a child most of the time. I do see changes over the years. But I know what NOT to do now...that is drain myself physically and emotionally expecting him to change over night. Change will happen but you've got to try harder. Don't see it as emotionally draining, see it as what makes you all that you are and that will make you stronger.

PS. Like you said, I know he loves me. But the rest isn't exactly displaying it. But I guess that is how life is.

Am curious - is he a piscean?

 

Hi,

Guess Tanoshii has given a very good response. When you know you are hitting a wall, there is no use in expecting it to reply. So why do you want to spend your efforts on him and feel bad then.
Rather enjoy your life with your kid, save your love for the kid.. Show him that you can live without him.
Dont beg him for any emotional support. Anyway you are not going to get and as Tanoshii said you are draining your energy in the process.

Sorry to digress from the thread...Tanoshii,, any reason for this question.. Just wondering coz I am a piscean too, but I am a female... Just curious..!!

 

OP and tanoshii,
Yes there is love in your marriage, but more often than not, even if words dont say it, gestures do, which speaks a thousand words... And it is difficult to go on without both, because after all thats all that all of us want - love and affection in sickness and health!

OP:
Hugs! You really gotta do something about it! Your H simply behaves like a sperm donor, and then shrugs off all the responsibility, and you take care of your kids like a single parent! There needs to be division of work, and showing love to kids! This is a bad situation... Its bad enough that you have gotten into it already... Please look for solutions...Therapy/counselling?? If not both, how long are you ready to go on like this? Have you confided your situation to a close friend? Maybe he/she can give you suggestions knowing your H fully well? How about staying away from him for a few days, like a trip back home with the kids for a month or so? So that he realizes what he takes for granted everyday?

 

hi dear,its really sad to hear ur story.i m in the same boat n we also hv few similarities in our married life.my hubby also belongs to a rural background n hv seen hard times.he hasnt live with his family most of the tIme due to studies n all that n later he came to germany.now he is here for abt 9 years.he doesnot understand the imp of family time.i also think he doesnt care 4 me. ur hubby tries to compensate that by gifts according to u but mine doesnt bother abt this.he dsnt do anything 4 which he has to compensate he thnks that way.but whenever i m sick he is like no problem.tells me to hv a tablet n u will b fine.my babby has been to hospital 5 times and always i alone take care of him he just visits for 30 min at night n then goodbye.even when he is there at hospital he doesnt bother to hold baby so that i can hv rest.nooooooooooo.we dont hv time to go out.all the time m like a babysitter n on duty maid who also serves u in bed.and thats it.whwn i dont want that its like y r nt u intersted.even there he needs full service.i thnk we women donot consider &&& the way they think.u dont feel like hvng &&& when u r thnkng the way m thnkng.he always hv time at weeknds with frnds for bbq n cricket.he always manages when he has to go but for me its just not worth it.at home also he never helps me with work or baby sayng in india ladies hv to do much more than u do n they hv more kids too.and all babies r like that.my baby is a trouble sleeper and trouble eater.at nights he wakeup a lot.if i try to getup early n do work baby also gets up n start cryng.then he says plzzzzzzzzzzzzz let me sleep i know how much u work.m thnkng of going back n live with my parents n let him live his lifethe way he likes to.i dont know if it would help u in anyway but just wanted to tell u MEN R LIKE THAT.WE HV TO DECIDE FOR OURSELVES.

 

My husband is a Piscean. And I am a Gemini. As much as I love to talk and communicate every feeling, he does not. I never bothered about it earlier. But when I read about this recently, it seemed to make a lot of sense to me. Not that I am blindly going by it. When I know a little more about him, it helps me to accept it and see it differently than what I have been all these years. Instead of each of us changing ourselves to fit someone else's needs, I started letting him be and work around it when ever possible.

I know it sounds silly, but I see a lot of difference in me now and I feel like I recognise him and his signals and thought process better.

Pisceans are generally known to be that way. I am not saying its bad. Everyone is right in their own way. It takes some time and effort to understand their way of seeing life. I have known so many pisceans all my life and never recognised these signs cos I never needed to. Now that I need to do so, better late than never. It just seemed to make OUR LIVES better.

 

True. Its not that these things affect us badly, sometimes they don't at all. But if avoided with cooperation from BOTH OF US, things could be so much better. I always think, why walk when I can fly. Why struggle when you can be happy? I missed out on a lot of years struggling, even though I did have happiness staring right at me. Its just that I had both equally. But I chose to challenge every difficulty and make it worse for me, if not anyone else.

Now that I accept this is how its going to be, it makes everything easy for me. I love him and I know he loves me. So might as well go along with the flow instead of branching out and struggling to make him come my way.

 

dear op,
do u live in a joint family with inlaws?
Men only help if they have to. If they see you are getting help from other members of the family they will not offer to help.
sometime, in the name of independence we women bite more than what we can chew and one fine day find that we are not being appreciated.
instead of moving away from dh why dont u try including him in everything. even small things like paying bills, cooking, children's funny antics,etc. If you are cheerful and happy towards him and also let him know of the many things you do (not grudgingly) then he may open up.