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Helpful suggestions for my married life.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jmsd, Dec 10, 2011.

  1. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Dear ILites

    Kindly read my story and help me with this dilemma of my life.

    I got married 8 years back to a decent ,loyal and loving guy who respects my parents.
    He is professionally very successful and spends lavishly on me and my two sons.I am working too and doing well in my field.

    We are two individuals from different backgrounds.He belongs to a rural background and me urban.The decision to get married to him was all mine and this difference did not play any role in it.I happily adjusted with his family.
    Since our social circle consists of the urban elite,he had a little difficulty adjusting to it and I helped him immensely in that .He now is very comfortable and well adjusted.

    My husband had a very unhappy childhood.His family is kind of dysfunctional.
    Young DH had to look after a suicidal father,abberant brother and a number of other problems which normal children do not face.

    After we got married we were(are) happy together.
    Except that after a long period of observation I came to conclude that my husband has Passive aggressive personality.
    Whenever there is an issue or argument between us,he withdraws.
    He never initiates reconciliation.
    He never wants to communicate and address the problem at hand.
    He just would wait it to pass.

    All through these years I have worked very hard to better our relationship but there has not been a single effort from him.
    He is extremely self centered too.
    To add to it he is badly addicted to tv.He switches it on as soon as he enters and switches it off just before going to bed.
    I have tried talking a number of times but it just does not work at all!!
    I just attributed all the inadequacies to his unpleasant childhood and carried on with life.
    The result has been that I have been taken for granted.
    I feel like I'm a his wife,mother,maid,personal secretory but in any of these roles which I work hard to play I am grossly underpaid.


    Tired of his silence,uncooperativeness ,I decided not to initiate or maintain my efforts and let nature have it's own course on my relationship(you can imagine how badly exhausted I am emotionally) and let him have a taste of his own medicine.
    But no results.
    It seems as if he feels drifting away is a better idea than volunteering to salvage a relationship that he has proclaimed to cherish.

    Given this situation in brief ,I just need somebody to suggest something to me as right now I have gone blank,having sleepless nights,and have no other feeling but :drowning
     
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  2. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Instead of starting an argument about the problem, how about suggesting a soultion and asking him how he feels about it? Suppose you dont want him to watch TV all evening, then ask him the programs he likes best and watch it together. After the program is over, you both can do what you like. Put forward this suggestion and see his response. If he likes it, go ahead with it. Else suggest something else.

    Regarding talking after coming back from office, me being a working mom, i too dont feel like talking about the day as soon as i come back from work. I feel like relaxing with some cup of coffee for sometime before starting anything. Maybe TV is his way of relaxing. Let him watch for sometime and then do something which interests both of you.

    You mentioned that he is passive aggressive. If he is withdrawing from an argument, dont push it. Let it be and discuss it instead of arguing. My husband is passive aggressive too. In some cases, we agree to disagree and this has dissipated a lot of tension between us. Some things are not worth the tension they cause. Even if we win the argument, we will lose our peace of mind which is simply not worth it.

    Being taken for granted hurts a lot but you need to check whether you are really being taken for granted? Generally passive people do not thank or express their feelings so often but they show it in multiple ways. If you are not feeling well, does he take care of you, ask you about how you are feeling, etc? Check out if such examples are there. Then, you are not being taken for granted. It might not his nature to be expressive.

    My suggestion for you would be, dont base your happiness on his actions. You create your own world where you can relax and enjoy yourself. If he is adamant that he wants to watch TV all evening, you should not lose your sleep over that. Create your own hobby or a place for yourself where you can relax and entertain yourself. If you are happy and relaxed, you will feel much better and working on this relationship will not leave you frustrated.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    orion80

    Thanks for the reply.
    Its not about TV.
    Except for spending lavishly there is hardly any other suggestion of care.
    When I fall sick (or even the kids) he withdraws even more.That too I learnt to deal with.As he took care of a number of sick family members as a child ,I just dismiss his lack of concern as thatmay be he freaks inside to see sickness in this family too.
    I have seen myself through extremely bad physical phases like abdominal surgery with zero emotional support from him.
    At times I have pointed out to him that by spending on expensive gifts he tries to make up for the rest he's supposed to do.
    I hardly am a person who would keep material things over the emotional.
    I never had any fairy tale or filmy fantasies about marriage but what I am really craving for is the necessary ingredient of a basic recipe of marriage.
     
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  4. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    As far as destressing is concerned ,I never object to his vacationing with his friends as it always does good to his spirits.
    The only time I objected to that was when he was ready to holiday abroad with his friends , leaving me with my 15 day old son.That too on practical grounds ,because the baby was too small and in case of any health concern it would be difficult for me to do the running around and taking care of the baby.
    Few months after that I found him talking about a father who wanted to go abroad leaving his 2 month old son with his wife and parents.He was like"how can anybody do that".I could just smile.
     
  5. aaral

    aaral Silver IL'ite

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    Dear jmsd,

    My DH is also the same,he watches T.V , works on the laptop at the same time but does not allow my ds or me to change or watch anything else. If his uncle ,aunt or grand mother is not well mild fever, he will call 10 times and enquires oh how are you? poor poor uncle etc please take care get well soon. If I am not well he does not even listen :( now I got used to it. When I think all the bad habits there i think this is small and forget about it.
     
  6. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Somebody post ,please.
     
  7. sushmavja

    sushmavja Platinum IL'ite

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    jmsd,
    irrespective of his unhappy childhood,i feel maximum men are like that only,they hardly open up and hardly start any conversation.
     
  8. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    i find this to be double standards..
    Great people whom the husband wants to maintain his good guy image, he will shower his care,affection etc etc.
    unfortunately wife and kids doesnt fall under the great people list and they are always taken for granted,
    For these men Mr. So Nice image in society means more than being a good husband or dad..
    hopeless cases...
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2011
  9. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear jmsd,

    Hugs to you dear. When the loved one does reciprocate our feelings, it is a frustrating situation to be in. The more you try, it gets more frustrating to both of you. He would see it as nagging and you would see it as insensitiveness.

    Give it a break for sometime. Stop trying to talk to him or get his attention and create your own world where you can be happy. Occasionally to talk to him when he is in good mood. Do something over weekend which would interest him when he is more relaxed.
     
  10. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    When we read the first half of your post...its like wow,wish it was me but I can understand how painful it is when you wanna sort it out thru discussion and other person ignores you. My husband is like you and i was like your partner. My husband used to say " Its like hell when you dont discuss" and still I used to keep quiet. For me that was right!. This became worse when I lost my dad. I used to not speak a word and spend days together. But then he assured me every time that he would show me positive results if I speak out and he did. He tried to either solve my problem or give me strength to accept it. Iam now much better,it felt like a new start. Unfortunately, my husband has got health issues now and I feel its time for me to give back. iam trying.

    So you need to assure your darling that everything will be fine...even better if he tells you. And forgiving him for some useless deeds he did will help a lot!
     
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