Help

cheenu123 · Aug 18, 2017

Hi,

Well, I'm not really sure if this issue is serious enough for me to start a new thread. I guess it is. I'm a member at a dating site and I recently started speaking to a guy who is 40 and never married. He is 7 years older to me and clearly, very sorted and mature in his conversations and outlook towards life in general.
Now yesterday while talking over phone I casually asked him why doesn't he get enrolled on the matrimonial sites (FYI he is aware of my divorced status). He casually stated that he was on the wrong side of age and now at 40, he can't expect anyone except a divorcee or a widow or someone with an issue. He shared that he had a couple of medical ailments such as diabetes and hypertension, he had a very engaging business and otherwise an uneventful life which a young bride or a never married girl might not approve of. So, he his happy with the realization that he would get someone with a baggage.
When he was about to end the call, he immediately recalled what he said and said sorry. He said nothing that he said was meant for me and that I should not overthink over what he said. And to be honest, I have been doing exactly the same thing, overthinking.

This was the first time he said something which hit me, I somehow felt that I was a defected or a used commodity you know. Though at the same time a part of me strongly advocates that he shared his thought process and probably I'm living in some sort of a denial.

My mind is cluttered.

Please help.

kcb · Aug 18, 2017

Dear @cheenu123

I too feel that he shared his thought process and nothing meant to hurt you or to point out your status.

Infact he is thinking very practical and accepting the negative side of his status. If he talks like as if he is doing a favor to you or degrades your status, then it is a serious issue. But here I dont think he had that intention.

I say, don't think too much. Try to have more conversations with him and completely understand what kind of a person is he before committing into anything.

Take everything slowly.

Sandycandy · Aug 18, 2017

Are you hoping that your interaction with him eventually leads to marriage ? It seems to me that he is not looking to get married , with his health issues etc. So I hope you are able to clarify that with him. Also his health issues are something you need to think about. Diabetes and hypertension at 40 is no joke, there could be future complications if not managed properly and the medications have their own side effects.
So make sure you are aware of everything before getting into a long term commitment.
As for being damaged goods, I think every individual comes with his/her own set of baggage in a marriage ( insecurities , bad families etc) and has nothing to do with being divorced . So in that sense all of us are damaged goods. So don't overthink this at all and never settle for less .

Deborah · Aug 19, 2017

I too feel that he is not looking for marriage. He is happy as is. Also, he was just sharing his thought process coz you had asked him a ques.But later he caught himself and apologized which shows he is mature enough. That being said , don't invest too much time into him.Just take him as a friend.As said above , we all are damaged goods in some way or the other. You are still coming to terms with a new phase of life. That could be a reason that you are sensitive . Happens to all of us. Do you want to get married again soon ? Please forget age. Can you focus on your life for a bit ? Can you enjoy where you are right now in life? What he said that at this age he will find someone widowed or divorced etc is the general mentality. But you know what sometimes when it is bound to happen with the right person, these tags won't matter then.Why to always think negative ? There are positive examples too. Anil Kumble married a divorcee with a kid. Many divorced actors have remarried too.I think you should take this time to enjoy life all by yourself. There must be something you always wanted to do but couldn't . Do it now.Your denial isn't that you were married before , it is that you can't be happy without someone. I am sorry for preaching but do give it a thought.

Deborah · Aug 19, 2017

And please don't think about what people say. Sometimes I think humans are really nuts. My colleague's brother was a divorcee and he wanted to remarry. They found a girl who was widowed shortly after marriage.This brother refused at first saying that she had been married before . I was appalled . As if he wasn't . Still he wanted someone 'fresh'. Please stay away from such negative people. Sadly, world is full of such idiots.

happydheivanai · Aug 19, 2017

cheenu123 said: ↑

Hi,

Well, I'm not really sure if this issue is serious enough for me to start a new thread. I guess it is. I'm a member at a dating site and I recently started speaking to a guy who is 40 and never married. He is 7 years older to me and clearly, very sorted and mature in his conversations and outlook towards life in general.
Now yesterday while talking over phone I casually asked him why doesn't he get enrolled on the matrimonial sites (FYI he is aware of my divorced status). He casually stated that he was on the wrong side of age and now at 40, he can't expect anyone except a divorcee or a widow or someone with an issue. He shared that he had a couple of medical ailments such as diabetes and hypertension, he had a very engaging business and otherwise an uneventful life which a young bride or a never married girl might not approve of. So, he his happy with the realization that he would get someone with a baggage.
When he was about to end the call, he immediately recalled what he said and said sorry. He said nothing that he said was meant for me and that I should not overthink over what he said. And to be honest, I have been doing exactly the same thing, overthinking.

This was the first time he said something which hit me, I somehow felt that I was a defected or a used commodity you know. Though at the same time a part of me strongly advocates that he shared his thought process and probably I'm living in some sort of a denial.

My mind is cluttered.

Please help.
Click to expand...

He just shared his view that's all.u don't think anything.if u want to marry him tell to him or there are so many guys to marry a divorce..it's not a big issue now a days..

Before proposing or moving into next life think clearly and understand the person and take ur next step because that is ur final step .

Don't worry.Right things happen in the right time dear

sindmani · Aug 19, 2017

Please follow @Sandycandy advice. Best wishes.Don't worry.

dnormx01 · Aug 19, 2017

Deborah said: ↑

. Anil Kumble married a divorcee with a kid..
Click to expand...

Please be aware when you quote people and understand what the circumstances were before you mention someone. He didn't marry a divorcee. She divorced to marry him. And that's totally out of context both to your post and OP's question. Request you to please check things before you take names.

Sorry for hijacking the thread OP. Best of luck

Sandycandy · Aug 19, 2017

Irrespective of what the circumstances were , the message being conveyed here is that men that were never married have ended up marrying women that would traditionally be considered "damaged goods". And most of us would not know the circumstances around which Mr.Kumble got married ,unless we were related to him or his wife ( or her ex ) . This is news to me too and I was his biggest fan growing up . Quite surprising too, I thought everything he did was pretty kosher.
Tell me more !

dnormx01 said: ↑

Please be aware when you quote people and understand what the circumstances were before you mention someone. He didn't marry a divorcee. She divorced to marry him. And that's totally out of context both to your post and OP's question. Request you to please check things before you take names.

Sorry for hijacking the thread OP. Best of luck
Click to expand...