1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Help...what I Did Wrong Or Right?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by madhu26, Apr 4, 2019.

  1. madhu26

    madhu26 Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Ladies...

    First of all thank you for your valuable suggestions for all my previous posts especially DDDream...it helps me a lot to build me strong enough to solve all my problems..
    Now i am here with another problem.. Please give your valuable suggestions that what i did is right or wrong?

    I am Madhu...i got married 6 yrs back . i have one daughter (3 yrs). i am the only daughter of my parents.. after marriage usual in-law problems i also faced ...so recently...My husband and daughter went to India..because my daughter has language problem for talking as we are leaving in foreign country..so My in-law thought she is talking only 3 words..but other children talking sentences..so they want to train her.So i agreed to send her because they can also know about their Granddaughter well . As my in-law never take-care when she born.
    As i am working i don't have enough leaves so i sent her alone with my husband..Before going he promise me that he will send pics or videos if he is busy to call. But after going there everything changed...no calls or videos for 3 days...this is the first time i am sending my daughter how difficult it was for me....When i ask anything or call my in-law will lift she will say he is busy...so end of the day...end with fighting's with my husband...after 1 week when i called my husband in-law listen something (as i asked my husband y u r not sending videos tell in-law to take some when she is free) and she scolded me very badly in-front of him like"take your daughter if you want...here i am tired to take-care of her &old fighting's)but he remains silent. i feel very bad ...
    My mother always say's that don't fight with your husband always be silent...don't talk until its emergency.. then he will know how u feel....until now 15 days gone some few days they will one day they send pics..no calls nothing...if anything, i ask my husband says i am busy...blah blah like that...
    i Know how difficult for them to take care of my daughter without mother but at-least i have a right to ask how's is my girl...to see her...talk to her...so i decide when he came i will be silent no fighting's nothing...then he will know ...how i feel ......

    what i did is right or wrong...we always thinks women has to understand men....in the same way they also understand us.for eg: Even while coming he booked flight on Sunday..reached on Monday...then i ask u can book on Saturday then i can spend sometime on Sunday with my daughter...he thinks he can spend that one day with his mother...

    Thanks for your Patience to ready my thread...Please suggest your valuable suggestions.

    Thank you
     
    Loading...

  2. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    114
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    It’s a common thing and I don’t really see if you can change it. Rather you call every morning and evening to talk to your daughter and ignore their nonsense.
    You need to be patient because your daughter is with them and they will take care.
    Lesson learned is if you not comfortable sending her alone always accompany her.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  3. madhu26

    madhu26 Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for your reply @prreeya
    Even when i call also...they told they are busy..i will be patience but 10 days is too long right... .yes i am very uncomfortable to send because last time when my in-law came to my house she try to sit with my daughter for hours to train...after she left my daughter feels so scared for some days to talk...then when i see doctor don't be in hurry train her with some patience. otherwise she will panic .i don't understand y in-law always compare my daughter with her grand son(daughter's son). and complaints my daughter is not perfect in any...
     
  4. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    114
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey dear this comparison stuff is also common and you can’t change them as it is too much . Rather when your daughter will be back make her comfortable and let her forget if she has any panic and I am sure with you both with her she must be happy
     
  5. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    133
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    This behaviour is common with my husband. Ofcourse this is not right behaviour. im also looking for answers from senior ilites.
    But just to console u, u r not alone. there are people like this.
    one thing always dont expect any help from in laws. even if it small one. otherwise we have to face all these issues.
     
  6. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    403
    Likes Received:
    732
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Totally understand how you feel as a mom. But you cant be mad at your inlaws, they are old and wont know technology to record video or take pics. Your husband should have understood your feelings and made you talk to your daughter atleast once a day or sent pics/videos.

    Anyway lesson learnt, dont send your daughter alone anywhere. Always accompany her during India visits. Let go and be normal with your DH, dont drive a wedge in the marriage because of this.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Your daughter went with your husband who is her father, not "alone". She is 3 years old, not a months old baby.

    India trips can get busy and it is April, must be hot in almost every part of India. The trip is about them meeting people and spending time with them, not about helping you deal with missing your daughter. Your aim should be to know how she is doing, is she enjoying the trip and eating enough to not starve. That can be accomplished by a quick text to husband, or a quick 2 minute whatsapp/skype with daughter. Insisting on photos, videos was too much. You did not do a favor to anyone by sending her with husband.

    And he is right that the Sunday can be spent with his mother. You have all the Sunday's that follow!

    Don't be silent when they return. Don't spoil the reunion. It will work against you. He will compare the pleasant days he had there with the cold welcome you are giving him. Just be normal. Make the Monday evening special for your daughter. After some days or weeks, without nagging or blaming him, gently tell him that you appreciate him for taking her to India by himself (not all dads do that), and while going over the photos or videos, casually say it was tough to be without her.

    Your husband not sending you photos, videos as agreed upon is a small thing. Don't make a fuss about it. Think from his pov. You do not trust him enough to take good care of her? If you miss her so much, you can watch some older videos and maybe make a collage of photos or video clips using some movie-maker software.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
    SCA, rachaputi, lavani and 7 others like this.
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,917
    Likes Received:
    3,997
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Madhu. @Rihana has provide the feedback that came to my mind after reading you post.

    Dont worry, your daughter is with her father and grand parents. They will take care of her very well. Let her enjoy.
    Its natural to miss your daughter. But dont make it a big issue. Once we are in India, it may not be so easy to send and be in video chat all the time (it varies with location, but next time you can check that yourself) .If you can call them everyday and talk to your daughter or dh, its good, I believe. Talking about this conflict to your PILS was not good idea. They get the impression that you are questioning their efforts to take care of their grand daughter or dont trust them. Believe in your dh and consider him as a responsible parent.

    They are in India, Its not easy to go back again. Let them spend Sundays or more with his family out there. You should appreciate his efforts to spend time with his mother. Don't you like that if your dd do that. Time is the most precious gift we can give back to our parents. Once she is back, you can spend time as much as you want.So dont make it an issue.

    Once they are here, welcome them with a warm heart and great smile. Don't behave childish by keeping a cold face or giving a reaction. Let them feel happy when they are back to you and home. If you wish you can later mention in an affectionate way how you missed them or remind your dh about promises,but listen to his explanation. Make your home a happy place to be in and make yourself a comfort zone for your family. Cheer up.
     
    SCA, SinghManisha, Sunshine04 and 2 others like this.
  9. madhu26

    madhu26 Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for your reply...hmm i am feeling alone and missing my daughter...that's y i felt like that...ok i will talk nicely only...but i am not insisting them to send Photos & videos...i told them when ever they are free they can send...
     
    rachaputi likes this.
  10. vijayan13680

    vijayan13680 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    Are u alone in a foreign country ? .

    Why isnt ur DH with you and send only your daughter to india ?

    Have u met a psychologist in your country for your daughter's issue ?

    How old is the kid ?
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2019

Share This Page