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Help my mind..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by goodluck, Dec 29, 2011.

  1. goodluck

    goodluck New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends ,
    I have a problem to share…I am married and now it is 8<SUP>th</SUP> year and have kids..I came to know that my husband had an affair with his neighbour girl [From a letter to his sister I came to know this…it was accidental and I always think why I saw it…My mind becomes gloomy whenever I think about it.. ]…after persuading him for a long time he told me that it was when he was in his early twenties …at that time she was in her teens..after one year or so her mother came to know this once he phoned her…her mother and she asked him not to call…he said he did’nt keep any sort of connection with her for the next two years..at that time he was abroad…When he came for leave she took initiative and called him and they started talking …almost three years it went …after that her marriage got fixed and she called him …he wanted to tell his parents but she said don’t…she said we can be friends…
    When I asked him he said they use to talk occasionally n send cards …and he said he deleted everything…after months of break up he came to see me…I asked him whether u were really out of her at that time…?...now when I think I wonder how one can forget their love within months…I asked him whether he felt pain when she was gone and he said a little…she is also out of the country..but I had this strong desire to see her ..so I tried to find her through social site as I have seen her photo in a marriage album and I know her name…also he said she was not that beautiful but when I found out she was beautiful with fair skin…and I asked him if he want to see and he said no…{ he is not in any social sites]..and I always wonder whether it was wholeheartedly he married me…I am dusky …..i have asked him also this several times and he said I liked you and your simplicity…I think he have someone to compare me with although he said he does not do that still my mind is not convinced..when I hear a romantic song I think he will be rewinding old memories…nowadays I just hate those songs…Now I think I did wrong by asking him to tell the story as I came to know from him that it is his neighboour..so whenever I see their house I think he will also get reminded..and I asked him that and he said yes I would be reminded the thing that the girl there WAS my love and not anymore…when asked whom he loved more he said at that time I loved her and now I love you…But my mind is still not convinced…Is something wrong with my thinking?…I love him so much and he knows it more than anyone else and he shows he care about me…but he is not at all romantic and I wonder how he fall in love?...But I have read that first love will always be there in one’s mind….:help me to overcome my worries..
     
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  2. lali31

    lali31 Senior IL'ite

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    In my view, its better to forget his past.Just think about his love which he has on you now and forget things which are over.Dont spoil your space with such thoughts.If he has moved on,better allow him to move on completely.Your words will remind him things often.
     
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  3. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    I strongly think you are making him think about her. Yes he had a love affair, prior to marriage. But he let the past go and decided to marry you. Why are you unneccessarily comparing yourself with her?
    Many men and women cannot forget their first love. But still they don't hang on their future to the old memories. As long as he has moved on and there are no troubles in married life, forget the chapter and move on.
     
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  4. anjananathan

    anjananathan Platinum IL'ite

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    can understand your pain but no one can help.. ur husband was also at pain.. please dont talk abt it and rekindle his memories and give him more pain or uneasiness..

    love happens to everyone.. some time it is one sided or both would do.. sometime it would be passing clouds and sometimes it would serious.. if she had vacated that house in just one month, it would be a passing cloud only.. so both of u are not at mistake.. dont compare fair skin and dusky.. love is not just on color.. might be his love would be based on looks as she was good looking but now the love he has on you will be true only..

    dont ask how can one forget.. that is the best gift god has given us.. we all love our parents but when they go, does our life comes to cease.. no right.. same with love.. time will heal everthing and time will also make one person to forget everything..

    so cheer up.. if u think, changing house would help you, please do that..
     
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  5. goodluck

    goodluck New IL'ite

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    Thanks friends...what would be your thoughts if u come to know that your hubby had alove life earlier...no offense please...Just to know that is my thinking wrong or is it me alone who think so..?..Only when these thoughts come do i repent about asking my hubby about the details...but no negative thoughts about him...
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi GL,

    This "affair" sounds more like a romantic interest your husband had before he got married. Yes, he liked her at that point of time - BUT that was before you got married. After that, till such time as you saw the note to his sister you had no inkling of anything of the sort. That means his behaviour was completely normal and was not influenced by the girl he was interested in. She moved on and he moved on too.

    It is certainly not a good idea to go on digging up the past when it is nicely buried. You are creating problems for yourself. The first message you are passing on to your husband is that you do not trust him. You are also going on reminding him of this even if he has forgotten it or buried it in the past. What would you gain by doing this? Why are you trying to recreate his past life (all recreations will strictly be creations of your mind - not necessarily the truth) and making yourself miserable? Things may not have happened the way you are imagining they happened.

    Just get on with your life and forget his past which really has nothing to do with you. That way almost everyone has a secret crush on someone or the other. Don't they all lead normal, happy lives?

    Hats off to your husband. The man is absolutely honest. He has not made any attempt to hide anything or to avoid talking about her. This should be proof enough to you that he has moved on in life.

    So please stop trying to rake up past issues and live life happily the way it is.
     
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  7. gda3

    gda3 Junior IL'ite

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    forget the chapter and move on.@present u r the only one in his mind so be happy.
     
  8. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    I n my view, situations make people get into certain things... and this is a known fact that "change is the only thins which is constant in the world".... and what other people think of us is none of our buisness...;) right... do your duty... be happy.. we really dont know what will happen next moment... so why or what is the use of spoiling our present thinking about the past or the future?? :) forget and be happy...

    Think about the happy moments with your husband immediately as you think about his past ;) swap the thoughts...
     
  9. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    why are you looking for trouble?? hope its not a case of empty mind?Not all men look for/like fair skinned females as shown in the Indian advertises . I always find girls who are dusky more pretty!
     
  10. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly as abpove..Why are you creating trouble...Come on girls have affairs before marriage and so is with guys..You dont marry all whom you love..You need to love the one you marry...Move on lady and make peace in your life.Stop it before it irks him and he ends up saying something crude to you. I mean what is the point you will prove by poking him again and again over this.
     

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