Help me to come out of my situation!!!!

Needed42 · Jan 28, 2012

Hi Friends,

I have been visiting this site from last 5 years but was hesitating to post my situation. But now i understood that i am in trouble and need good advice which i can't share with any of my friends or relatives or parents. Why because even if share the situation no one will believe this. Why they wont believe pls see my post below.

So here is my situation: I have been married for 8 yrs. Now i have a kid of 4 yrs. My hubby is a very silent person, everyone likes him and he helps everyone but will not talk or share anything with me. He feels that if he share anything i may feel bad abt our financial status and so he wants me to be happy so tht he can be happy by seeing me, but i said to him for first 3yrs of married life very politely tht with out sharing to me is making me more miserable than wht he thinks. After 4 yrs of married life i started raising my voice and then also of no use.

He's not a person who likes to watch movies or roam around or be romantic with me, so in these 8 yrs being in USA its hard to believe tht even we didn't go to any english movie or even didn't watch any english movie at home also, but went to few Indian movies in theaters and at home also. Really no surprises for me or wish to share something closely or anything romantic in personal. If i ask him why wont u share with me he answers me that "he don't know how to talk", but i was never comfortable with tht answer, but again same thing for first 3yrs politely bared him and started arguing later. He was not comfortable seeing me arguing with him as he is used to be with a very calm quite lady for 3 yrs. But my patience got exhausted and even he started arguing and when i say tht i don't like him even he started saying he don't like me, so it went a way too far with fighting every day or use to be wuite for 4 days and same on fifth day.

I feel bad when ever i see a couple being so close sharing and talking to each other or being romantic, i use to cry alot, i started shouting at him but no use, so even after having kid the same situation. But he takes care of me and my son like no Father/hubby does. Means he play with my kid alot and he will give money for me to buy anything that's all. I was thinking ok at least so many people may not even have this care in their lives so let me adjust.

But one more thing which i am very hesitating to share but i want to know; really am sry to have to this msg here - Regarding our xxxx life, he was ok with me until first one yr but later no, my kid was born after 3 yrs of getting married, even i say to him in our argument tht my kid was born as i went to him wantedly, but it was not with his interest. After my kid till now i can count on my fingers, its like once in 4 months or so that too when ever i go near him. I am really frustrated atleast if he be good with me in xxxx life, i can be Ok with him. I told him so many times that i am adjusting with him even if he wont share and if say he don't knw how to talk so sweetly or so, but i am unable to adjust if he can't be good this way at least. Its some embarrassing to give this msg but sry i need ur advice on this.

After bearing a lot and explaining him my situation now he understood and he is coming to me and trying to solve the mistake he did. He's sharing everything with me, explains me wht ever he can. But for me i developed some kind of hatred on him for all these yrs inside me and am not able to receive him even on bed or with any discussion he make, now tht when he comes to me or touch me i am saying just go way, please don't disturb be am sleepy or am going away... I really need to come out the hatred which i developed silently on him and want to be good with him as he changed now.... Please help me.....

One more thing forgot to say you i started working from last 2 yrs, so previously i was not even working, and statying home with such hubby made me develop such hatred on him,,,pls i need to come out of this and want to be good with him but am unable to accept him anymore plsss help me....

satchitananda · Jan 29, 2012

Hi Needed,

From your post it is evident that you have worked really hard to win your husband's confidence and to get him to be close to you. Whatever be his reasons for his behaviour, he has finally understood your feelings and is working hard to keep you happy in every way he can. You yourself say he takes very good care of you and is an excellent father.

Now when all is well, if you are going to cling on to past grievances and refuse to move on in life and accept all the happiness that is coming to you, can you really blame anyone else? What is the solution to this? Isn't it obvious? Happiness is knocking at your door. Open the doors wide open and welcome it with open arms.

Shanvy · Jan 29, 2012

needed

Marriage is not a bed of roses.

do not get carried away by seeing those romantic movies. remember they are doing that for the money, and who knows the same two lead pairs maybe leashing out daggers with their partners.

you know many of us forget to count our blessings. according to you he is the best father and husband, would you have been happy with just empty romantic words, hugs but nothing like the concrete wall he has been in your life..some people REALLY do not know how to express. they would not have seen any body in their close circle expressing themselves. I know a friend who says her husband talks all sweet nothings but when it really means she needs him he is not there..

So what you could have done then..you know he does not know to talk, you could have talked, and acted in the way you want, helping him learn. it is a common mistake. we think once we marry our spouse, should know what we think and act. we forget that we are two entities, with different wavelength coming together in a marriage . only communication holds the key.

coming to your hating him, i think you need to release that anger and that irritation and the lighter vein of revenge ,what i mean is, when i wanted he did not come, why should i go now when he calls..though you may say it is not driven by this, it does tend to happen, sometimes we do tend to be in denial.

if you really want to work this out, maybe you should give him a chance, by talking to him, calmly how hurtful it has been to you, and how rejected you felt, and that is one of the reasons you are feeling angry today. maybe he will understand and would like to discuss and help you out, you never know until you try. and please do not throw those words around...

remember, some people do not take the effort to change, and some cannot even if they tried a lifetime. your husband is trying to rectify his mistakes, and as his partner in good and bad times, i feel you could help him sort it out.

Give him a second chance. forgiving him, maybe the trick that could work for you. maybe deep down you really do not hate him. And just a word of caution, do not push him back to his shell by your rejection, and it would be very very difficult to make him open up again..

all the best..