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Help Me Handle Husband's Attachment

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    My husband wants us to follow his mom's advice to the T, in bringing up our only child. His nephews and nieces were all brought up as per her what she said ("everything for ******* and ******* was done like amma said"); he wants it to be the same with his daughter. He says we can discuss, but the way its been till now, at the end of it, he would just want me to go with it : that would be the purpose of discussion - to convince me to fall in.
    I have my own dreams and thoughts and enjoy planning and doing things for my baby, and don't want to nod my head and follow. I also believe raising the child should be the primarily be done by parents, and not the grandparents - however involved they may be.
    And mostly, our views are quite different - have been, till date. On most significant issues regarding baby. That just adds to the problem.
    Also, where does this 'wish' of his leave my family? Why only his mom? Would he be willing to listen thus to my parents? The answer is no: he hasn't ever, even in instances where they were more qualified to give it.

    I haven't been ignoring their words either, but H. wants me to seek their advice, and nod my head, and make them happy.

    I am perplexed. H. deifies them. And wants to show his love and respect by letting them decide on everything in his life, as they had when he was single. As they still do in his siblings' lives. I am not for that; I want to care for them be respectful etc but take the responsibility and decisions in my life.

    How do I put across my take on this without seeming to antagonise his parents?
     
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    He seems to be a mommy boy. Only way you can do it is to gear up for a long journey battle. You can do it, but it takes a long time and sustained battling it and explaining to him, asserting yourself again and again, coz he's used to being mama's boy for a long time.
     
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  3. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    What if you seek their advice, nod your head and then quietly proceed to do your thing ? Does he delegate most of the care of daughter to you ? If yes then you easily do the above.

    Some men feel they are pleasing their parents by seeking their advice. The parents also feel good when their advice is sought. You can please both of the above but still ultimately do your own thing.

    Sometimes in critical matters just do your thing first and then inform your husband and/or apologize later. If he asks you can just say, yeah i meant to ask you/parents like i usually do but i forgot this time. Is that possible ?


     
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  4. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    U can try being assertive, firm and explain. But it might create a tiff between u and dh. So the other alternative suggestion is take the worst advice of ur mil and implement it in front of ur dh. Let him see the consequences himself. And u dont tell that i followed ur mama advice. It dint work. Please dont say such things. If he is not able to understand by himself just give him a hint that you followed her advice and it dint work out. But never complain abt her. By this way he will understand that u want to follow ur MIL advice. But it is not working out so you are not following it. So that he will put less pressure on you.

    And next thing wat u can do is when going to doctor take an other worst advice of ur MIL and talk about it. Ask casual suggestions to doctor in front of ur dh. Your dh will strt understanding.

    Next time if his niece and nephews are not well. You can casually say that i read in internet itseems that if we follow these things kids will frequently fall ill. Advertise ur knowledge about kids. Only then he will beleive you. And also say that i dint want to interupt in their kids upbringing.

    And you can show to him that you read so much things about kids in internet. You are always careful when it comes to kids. He will start beleive in you.

    You can always take your MIL's good suggestions :). Ofcourse they will also give good advices which we can follow.

    The whole point is your dh should understand that your following his mama's advice and very careful when it comes to kids. And you have the capability in kids upbringing.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Do your thing.
    Assert yourself as the parent of the child.
    Op....this nonsense will go on if you keep nodding and following.
    Just listen and do what you feel is right for your situation irrespective of where the advice is coming from....If he objects ,just say..."this works for us ".
    Don't apologize for taking decision you feel need to be taken.
    Keep standard arguments ready......"I am the mother,I also have her best interest in mind"
    "Please don't undermine my role as a mother"

    Op ,unless he is the caretaker....you get to decide what works for your family.Encourage him to join you in formulating common goals and how to go about them...but only if he is ready to use his head and doesn't play...mummy says......

    If he wants to let his mommy bulldoze her way ...then just take care of everything yourself.
    You just can't wait for mommy's little boy to grow up for everything. Your child will be grown up by then.

    Besides I doubt his siblings are following her advice all the time(unless they live with her)
    Most people nod and just do what they want.
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2016
  6. ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    Be firm for few days and show him you are your mils puppet to do all she says..yell him if he wants he can dance to her tunes regarding his personal things but you cant do that and you have brain of your own
     
  7. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    My favourite quote when MIL imparted her frequently at-odds-with-mine wisdom was to pleasantly but obliquely say, "Don't worry. I'll deal with it."

    Remember you are the mum. You are with your child all the time. You do things your way. Don't even discuss it knowing your husband's predisposition to seeking mum's law.

    Just bear in mind some unsolicited advice might still be useful. Blindly disregarding the tip because of its origin is akin to throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Do consider it, say something non-committal like, "ah! I didn't think of it that way." Or "let me give it a thought" implement it I'd it suits you; ignore otherwise.

    There is always going to be talk about how many kids the mum has brought up or how they all listened to their elders back then and had super healthy kids etc. etc. You have to learn to do your research and do your own thing if being a puppet stresses you out.

    At one point bluntly and unapologetically have said, "I'm sorry but my brain doesn't easily accept hearsay. I need to do my own research and see proof. That's the sort of person I am. Leave me be. I mean the best for my child." I'm certain my stubbornness and arrogance is widely spoken about in extended circles but I don't make that my problem
     
  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    @Ragini25 you are right. I wish it weren't so, but this is definitely going to take time.
    @madras2018 Isn't that a very passive aggressive way of dealing with it? Yes, I've resorted to that too, in desperation.. but I want to deal with it straight up, because this behavior is not going to stop otherwise, and I'm basically bad at games.
    I'm looking for ways to deal with it assertively, and not make it a mil vs me issue. Unfortunately H sees having an opinion as disrespect.
    I do have the knowledge - he resents my knowledge, and blames that as the reason for being headstrong?!!! I am lost here as to how to get him respect my knowledge. This despite me saying things which have been later corroborated by our pediatrician, to whom I pose these questions as my doubts (like you said). This is probly another issue by itself - him refusing to acknowledge that I know how to deal with my baby, though I put it forth very calmly.
    agreed, and have followed plenty too. But he wants 100% obedience..its like he wants to give his mom that exalted status..:shakehead:
    Sooooo true. Even though my mom has so many kids too. What's worse, he tells me that he's had first-hand experience with his siblings kids.. and his mom too..so they have more wisdom than everybody else.. (me, my parents).
    @yellowmango I must strive to follow your words.. the situation with his siblings is bad, the mom does get to dictate everything. Which is why I am all the more insistent that I too won't be a sacrificial goat.
    I have never asked his mom advice directly. But he shares every moment with them, and pushes the phone to me with them on facetime as they start telling him what n how : I feel cornered, and hear her out and if I disagree, I inform her my view. I resent this though. Or masquerades their opinion and advice as his own.
    I must add that he insists on me sharing what the baby is up to even when he is at work : yes, he is attached. But that also keeps him in the know, and if I just do my stuff without telling him, it becomes my wrong - I'm being dishonest with my spouse..
    Sorry for the long reply...I feel quite muddled...
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Do not say anything.....just smile and learn to change the topic gently.Then do what you feel is the right way to go for your child.

    If He wants to know about the baby all the time,no problem.Let him also take on a bigger role by actually being a caregiver...and not information collector. Encourage him to do things with her that are new and not something he can ask his mom advice on.Like new educational games.Ask him to read books to her .If she is old enough....encourage swimming lessons as a family.

    If the advice from mom is something that is more of common sense or that you already know...say"yeah I now ,I am doing that or am planning to do anyways".

    Most of parenting is about common sense .
    If you genuinely need some advice....feel free to ask yourself ,but don't make a song and dance about it. Just smile and say"I will try that".


    Best Wishes....:beer-toast1:
     
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