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Help Me Decide If What I Am Thinking Is Right

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by msms, Dec 25, 2019.

  1. msms

    msms Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    We are 3 siblings. Father passed away 4 years before. My mother moved in with my sister after that ( sister had small kids, so she said it will be mutual help for both) as my brother is settled abroad. Last year sister also moved abroad. Then my mother came to stay with me, as I delivered baby last year. Now my mother says she wants to stay in an independent set up, because I am daughter and according to our society and culture her son should take care of her. There is no ray if hope that my brother will come back moreover my Bhabhi and mother are not in good terms. So I suggested my siblings that we can take a rented apartment for my mother in the society where I stay. My mother is financially independent as she is pensioner. My husband and some of my cousins are suggesting that she can pay the rent amount to us and stay with us. What should I do in this case? What do you guys think would be best for everyone?
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    If I were in your place I will support what she wants. Her happiness is important.

    But question is what makes her really happy. stay with you or stay in another house for society. If she really wants her space, its good to stay in her own place if she is healthy. She can move in to your home anytime,if she needs more support or unhealthy. Else let her enjoy her freedom.

    I am not sure if taking rent from her is a good method. I don't think any one take money from PILs or parents for that. It's up to her-she can spend money in your home for other things and help in other ways if she wants to.
     
  3. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    In my opinion, discuss with your mom on what kind of independent set up she wants. After that, approach your siblings according to your mom's wish.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    The ideal would be she lives with you willingly and contributes to the household in ways she would like to. Most ideal would be your brother pay her rent to you - he would be following society culture/norms and yet not have to move to India or get mom a permanent visa.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2019
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  5. msms

    msms Gold IL'ite

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    She is approximately 70, has diabetes,BP etc.. So leaving her alone is little scary. And about rent, everyone thinks that if she contributes financially, it will be good for her and for us as well. Because even if my MIL was there in her place, she would be doing same way. I am little hesitant to ask her some fixed amount. I don't know how to ask. Plus I am worried about any complications if come in future. Right now it's all good. Can't think of anything.
     
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  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree with that,,,should not take rent from parents/PILs that does not sound good, and would hurt them too.

    Rather you can ask BOTH your brother and sister to help you with finances so that responsibility gets shared equally among all THREE SIBLINGS, so there would be less burden.
     
  7. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    How about finding an apartment closer to yours and let her stay there..that way you can visit everyday, and still mingle with her and get her involved in your life. If your mom wants to stay alone, I think you should respect her desire..Not everyone would feel comfortable to live with SIL..Our society is like that:(

    And if your kids are old enough, you can let one of them sleep with your mother everyday. That way, you can feel secure that someone is there with her at night and this will also increase the bonding between the grand parent and grandchild..
     
  8. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Why was your mother willing to live with your sister, but is now unwilling to live with you? You can present the new living arrangement as mutual help just like your sister did.

    Why are your DH and cousins suggesting taking rent from her? If it is simply so she feels she is paying her own way, let your brother pay a token amount so she can tell people she is independent of her son-in-law. If it is because your DH wants remuneration for supporting your mother, you have a different problem on your hands.

    A good option would be to get adjacent flats and open a door between them. Or get a bigger place and rent her a room at a nominal cost. So she would be living with you in one unit but she'd also have her own independent space.

    She should save her pension for future emergencies.
    .
     
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  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you have enough room in your current home to house your mother comfortably? Is your husband in good terms with her? Maybe she is feeling uncomfortable for some reason and instead of saying so directly she is suggesting an independent arrangement. Have a frank conversation with her.
     
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  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Not true. I can show you many, many families where the parents are supported by the daughters. N yes, even when the daughters are home makers. In india or abroad, from small villages to metro cities. From all religions and different socio status. So clear that out with her first.

    Your mother lived with your sis for 4 years but is complaining within a year at your place. Maybe something about this setup is making her uncomfortable. And the part about your dh’s “ask her for rent” suggestions is somewhat uncomfortable as well.

    She might still not have her space / peace even after paying the rent and May have to adjust for her son in law or others. And this setup might not help her as she seems to want her space, which isn’t wrong.

    A house next door, in the same society is a better option. Look in the same floor or atleast the same block. You siblings can pitch in and let her get whatever furnitures and decor ‘she wants’.
     
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