Help In Deciding My Married Life

hopebelief · Jun 20, 2016

I wanted to share about my personal life and take a decision based on all ur advice. I am 28 yrs old female and ours is a Love marriage before 5 years, we got married after 7 years of Love. He was so caring and understandable during those days. After few days of marriage, his behaviour got totally changed, he use to get tensed very easily and always physically beats mye, kicks me and do all nonsense. Most of the time he beats in the back of the head which pains a lot and many times I use to feel like something is happening in the head due to this. I use to insist that multiple times and he stopped beating in the head, but again his physical harassment continued. I also use to beat him at time if he does so that I can protect myself.He truly behaves like a psycho. But other side of him, he use to treat me like an angel or Queen when he is normal. So I always forgive him and never opened up of his this character to anyone, even my friends, neither his or my parents. I did a lot to him, he knows everything, but still he never thinks of anything. We don't have a child only because of him, but I underwent all trauma both physically and mentally because of him. I underwent ivf treatment too, which was a failure again. My body is totally weak now due to lot of medicines and injections.

We don't have any reason specifically for fight, it's all simple reasons like we go for this movie and not the other, nothing big, but still he beats me
Like anything. Due to his psycho character he tried commiting sucide and all advised me that I was the only reason behind it. I know he loves me a lot and I do, that's the reason I don't want to spoil his name anywhere. But I'm too weak to handle all these now. I'm tired of everything, I don't want to tolerate these anymore. Yesterday he again started beating me at the back of the head and it got bulged. It's very painful and I can't sleep properly. My parents for 23 have never treated me like what he treated for these 5 years.

If I tell this to my friends or my parents, nobody will believe, in that way all think that he is good and caring. I know, his one side is like that but other side nobody knows except me and my neighbours.He often use to shout like anything such that the entire apartment hears. For all he does I can't even cry, I start crying again for that he use to shout saying fm stop acting and behave normally, though I can't. I use to tell
I'm planning toget divorced or die, then he use to beg me , speak all nice words for 3 days or 1 week, change my mind and he again does the same thing.

And 1 more thing is that he always enjoys the time when I am not around. He wants to stay alone and whenever he goes out even in my hometown or in my place, he comes late and goes somewhere. I never knew where he goes, he use to lie if we ask and many times he was caught red handed. But he will never say the truth. I'm not sure if he has any illegal relationship, I hav seen his fb search history and he use to search for call girls and so.When I ask reason, he told me its all for fun and just thought of checking if such girls or groups are available. Also I knew he use to flirt with girls before my marriage itself. Before 2 weeks of my marriage, he had sent a message to a girl saying he wanted to have candle light dinner and have a romantic walk with her on the beach side. Again he told its for fun and I believed and dared to marry him.Im sure he s not in touch with that girl now but also not sure if he has any such relationship and if that spoils mine with him.
We both are well settled and no financial issues between us. I very well know he lives with me only because he will lose his respect in the society if he lose me and even his parents will abuse him.
I wanted to get divorced and lead a peaceful life with my parents. I don't have any other affairs or don't want any new life definitely.But I don't want to stay in this ditch and spoil my life anymore. Please friends think of well my situation and advise me how to decide.

maddysweet · Jun 20, 2016

Tolerating Physical abuse is a big No. This time he raises hand, call cops and get him arrested. stop thinking about long term plans about giving him divorce then do something etc.
First stop bearing his physical torture and give an ultimatum.
Or you learn karate and kick him next time he raises hand. He shouldnt even getup after your kick

In this generation where women are reaching plants equally to men its so silly you bearing his beatings.

madras2018 · Jun 20, 2016

You have stated the reason why you think your husband is still with you. But the elephant in the room is what is your reason to still stay despite taking such painful physical torture, being cheated on and being unable to further your life through children with him ?

The reason of "he loves me a lot and I do, that's the reason I don't want to spoil his name anywhere." isn't really valid. Do you mean to say you take satisfaction in sacrificing yourself and being a martyr all in the name of glorious, undying love ? You need to ask yourself what is your payoff (emotional, financial etc) in continuing to stick on to something that sounds truly dreadful from what you have written. I am not going to write a preachy essay on how a woman must have zero tolerance towards domestic violence etc etc because I think you already know it, because from your post it appears that you know the limits of decent behavior and also that you know that these limits have been breached repeatedly in multiple ways by your husband. So it's not like you are unaware that this is abuse.

My question is why are you still tolerating it despite stating that you are tired of all this, your body has become weak and you are simply unable to take it. I think the answer has to go beyond the apparent - i.e you love him and he loves you etc. But that's a false reason because what's going on is not love - AT ALL ! If this is what true love looks and feels like, lovers would be fleeing from each other and not running towards each other like they usually do.

The only way you can find out what to do is to examine what still ties you to this person and marriage - and then reflect if the perceived benefits are worth the regular bouts of thrashing which looks likely to continue indefinitely into your future.

Another way to find out what to do next is to ask a friend to read this post aloud and pretend this was written by her. What would you advise her to do ? Yes, it's that obvious.

kcb · Jun 21, 2016

Dear OP, One question....

You are saying your DH loves you....but tell me if he really loves you, then how can he hit you and harass you?

It's time for you to think and understand what's going on in your life....

If you still want to continue in this marriage, then take him to a good psychologist for counselling.

hopebelief · Jun 21, 2016

Thanks all..The main thing that holds me in this marriage is My Parents. Im afraid that they will worry a lot because of this and they cannot accept this. But they cannot accept im tolerating all these too.
I have already asked him to attend yoga classes or meet a Psychatrist when he is in a good mood, but he never agreed for that.
I think its high time now i should take a decision and do not turn back.

livingitup · Jun 22, 2016

Physical abusive in a relationship is a BIG NO NO... even if he treats you like a queen or even better than that... where is the love when he can hurt you? I would suggest you to get out of this ASAP.. 5 years is too long to go through this.

monkatpeace87 · Jun 22, 2016

Greetings to u OP

Let me come straight to the point. Ur husband is showing signs of bipolar disorder.he needs immediate psychiatric help.
He is danger to his as well as your life. Plz don't take me lightly, it's ur life in the line. He is showing uncontrollable amount of rage.
Plz do urself a favour. Get separated from him, not divorced and take him to a psychiatrists.

Plz get urself a head CT done,if the swelling is more than a day or 2. U could have a scalp bleeding.

And the thing about ur parents, they will thank their stars to have their daughter alive than dead. Plz run as fast as u can.

Advice given in good faith.

Peace

Ps - 28 y male here. Strongly condone physical violence against woman

silentlistener · Jun 24, 2016

Beaten at the back of head again and again endlessly , I wonder whether the physical beating will stop ever in future ??

hopebelief · Jun 24, 2016

yes @livingitup when i think of deeper again and again, i dont feel like he loves me too and i was just imagining that he loves me.. he never use to ask me if i ate, never calls me and checks if im not well, we both are hungry and feel like eating something, he leaves me at home, goes out eat, enjoy and come with empty handed.. all these makes me feel, I was foolish these days thinkg he loves me. HE dont even have any kind of feeling for me and just USE me for his sake and treats me like a well paid maid.

@monkatpeace87 I dont have any fellings for him now and dont want to take him to a psychatrist to change his life.I wanted to get rid of him, that is the only thing i see and wanted to go out.

@silentlistener Physical beatings will never ever stop in future and i dont want to continue witht his any more.

As of now I have decided to stay here in India while he is planning to travel to a different country in another month.(till then I'll hav to live with him for God's sake) Im not going to join him and will never plan to and go through all these. After he travels, will slowly open this to my parents and inlaws and will depart from him.
Let God provide me the strength and will to carry this out.