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Help!! I Am Distraught..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by abhi09, Apr 3, 2019.

What should I do?

  1. Should I put my foot down and stay here

    2 vote(s)
    50.0%
  2. Should I make compromises and put my parents aside for his needs and his parents.

    1 vote(s)
    25.0%
  3. Other

    1 vote(s)
    25.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. abhi09

    abhi09 Senior IL'ite

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    We have been living in the US for a long time. I tried and tried to do something with my career there and was unsuccessful due to the nature of my subject.
    Now in 2018 we decided to move back if I get an admission in a college here. It was a joint decision. My husband told me he will be compromising a bit with his career but it’s ok. I want an independent wife.
    Now I got an admission in a college, in the city I want (my place), in a branch I want.. he is freaking out. Agreed... it is natural.
    I am the only daughter and he has one sister and one brother. Both of which are going to settle is his city. And his parents are there too.
    I will be quite busy with the course work. And since I will be an old graduate I should put three times the effort to get back into the track and study.And I have an almost 4 year old son. As we were discussing about moving back. I told him I want to stay with my parents as it will be a lot of help and I need them to take care of my son. And I need their support which I won’t get with my in laws or my husband. I also told him that with my parents I won’t have the mental burden of taking care of the house with cooking, cleaning, and everything. He cannot provide the emotional and mental support I need. My son is also very very attached to my parents.
    He wants to take a house and get his parents with him. He got mad and says “I’ll never be a ghar jamai”.. like it a big crime.. I’ll never stay with your parents. Staying with his parents will only add to my stress levels. They are good people but I can’t depend on them like I can on my parents. And my parents also will be very happy to have us.
    He can ask my parents to help on any issues. But when it comes to living with them he has a problem.My parents have helped us so much during childbirth and after too when our marriage hit the bottom. Last year for the sake of my career I had to leave my son in india with them for 6 months and they took better care of my son than I can ever. They have been there for everything. They make me more happy than my husband.
    His parents..we asked them so many times to come to US stay with us. They did not come. They did not come after my kid was born when I really needed help. Always made stupid excuses.
    That thing aside. I am the only daughter and I want to be there for my parents. Not just some random weekend visits but everyday. I need them and they need me.
    Before our marriage I told this guy that I am the only daughter and I will have the responsibility of my parents. I will have to take care of my parents. If you are ok with it.. let’s get married otherwise not. He agreed to it then. Now when it actually is coming down to taking responsibility.. he is backing away.
    I don’t think I have the capacity to take care of the house and kid and husband and in laws and everything.and I know I will have minimal help from him. And he is not understanding. He is acting like an idiot. A typical Indian male who thinks it is crime to live with his wife’s parents.
    He has two other siblings and he is worried about his parents. And me being the only daughter.. he Is not understanding how much I want to be there for my parents.. how much responsibility I have.
    Just imagine if the genders were reversed and I was a guy... I would have just moved to my house my parents and my wife would have followed and society would not say anything. Just coz I am a girl I have fight my way through hell to stay with my parents.
    It’s ok for his parents to move in and I should give up my life my privacy and everything.. be the ideal “bahu”. But it’s not ok if the roles are reversed.
    He is acting as if I am separating him from his parents. That is not my intention at all. I want his parents too in the picture..my son should know both his grandparents.
    I gave him a solution- we have a one floor independent house. Let’s build another house on top of this. And let’s stay there. That way.. we will have privacy. Your parents can visit/stay for however long. And I’ll be close to my parents.
    He does not want to take that solution too.

    He goes on to say- I am making compromises in my career for you. First of all it was a joint decision to move back. I did not force him. Second of all-even I made sacrifices- we decided to have two kids and now he is backing away and I will have just one kid. I am sooooo sad about this.. I have bad baby cravings-but I am compromising on this issue and I don’t want to force him.

    It is supposed to be one of my happiest days and he destroyed it with the fight.
    And here I am sitting and writing this post at 3am having a mini panic attack instead of celebrating and being happy.

    And worst of all he claims- I am open minded,not orthodox, progressive blah blah..
    all these years I listened to him.. did whatever he said. Never spent too much of his money. Coz I am a “fcuking house wife”.After all it’s his money and I am dependent on him. He said you will have equal rights in the house the day you start earning..
    Now I’ll be earning(wil get a decent amount of stipend and good salary after I graduate)..won’t I have equal rights? Won’t I have equal say in the house?
    Am I being selfish and a bitch for wanting to stay close to my parents. I don’t know how to explain it to him. Just coz I am a girl all these issues are there..
    please help me put across my points. I have no idea what to do.
    Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you reading this far.
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    Tackle one thing at a time. Else, it will backfire. All this discussion would have already put him in a dilemna of moving back. But it is good that you already put your thought process in front of him.
    No tears. No resentment. Just stay firm. No lengthy discussions.

    Understand one thing.. we have long road to establish the fact that girls need to take care of their parents too. Luckily for us, parents dont expect much from daughters, but wish for us to be there when their health is bad.
    For now, if their health is fine, you dont have to base your india move and college on the fact that you have to be with them. Leave it. Just move back. Let your H rent a house and bring in-laws. I bet they wont be able to look after ur son. You can then see if you can take ur parents help. Its a win-win. Your H will be near his parents and you will be in close proximity to your parents. Consider it as a blessing. Things will settle down. Its important to have husbands confidence and support in taking care of ur parents and he needs yours too.
     
    GeetaKashyap and SunPa like this.
  3. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Your entire post talks about your parents being dependent on you and you being dependent on them.
    Why cant you get a good daycare and have your son play with other children and not depend on anyone and be fine. I did my MBA while working and taking care of a child with zero help from my ex husband in the US.

    Our society is not going to change overnight, but we can always navigate cleverly and avoid stress and drama. Unless your parents are bedridden or your son is very sick why cant you just opt for day care or nanny and avoid the drama. Both grandparents can visit in weekends and spend quality time with the child.

    the more you stress that you want to live with your parents, more your DH is going to resist and put a blocker. thats human nature. He obviously is answerable to his parents, family and society about this decision and might feel like he is emasculated. You are stressing yourself and spoiling your relations with your DH, read all the posts where DH is giving silent treatment and turning woman's life into nightmare. Do you want that ? Parents had their time with you, now its your time with DH and kid. Focus on that.

    goodluck
     
    Sri2196, cheenu123 and Afresh like this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Set your priorities right.

    What is more important now? Building your career or staying with your parents.

    It's better to stay in your own home with husband and kid, not with anyone's parents. Either set of parents can visit or you can visit them as needed. You are lucky that you got a chance to work on your career and an opportunity to stay near to your parents. Use these opportunities wisely.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
    senorita2019, Afresh and shravs3 like this.
  5. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    I completely agree with the opinion of @senorita2019 !
    You need to be able to manage on your own, along with your husband's help. You just need a bit of courage :)
    In times when you really need parent's support, then you should request them , am sure your husband would be understanding in those circumstances then..
     
    senorita2019 likes this.
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Move back, rent or buy a place close to your parents' house. Stay independent. Depend on your parents or in-laws when you really need it. Have a dependable maid, day care etc. Let your son spend after school at your parents place. Pick him up when your day is over. You can drop him there or they can come over to your place when you need them during vacations or when he is sick.

    Support your parents when they need it. You don't need to wait for any body's permission to take care of them. Your house should be a place where either your parents or his parents can come and stay when required. Don't shift in laws permanently if that means that your parents cannot stay there as well.
     
    startinganew likes this.
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all hugs to you ,your husband's logic can make anyone frustrated. Women have equal right and duty to take care of their parents and you should not feel like a bad person you should be proud of your sense of responsibility. I feel only a good daughter can make a good DIL, one who doesn't care to take care of own parents she cannot possibly genuinely take care of her inlaws.

    Sorry to say your husband is very rude.As a wife, we should not waste our husband's hard earned money, but he too has to realise husband and wife are equal partners- you are mother of his kid,homemaker and life partner- he should not treat you as some some freeloader.Money should not be factor to determine equality in marriage.

    But one thing is that after marriage, your husband is most important person and your priority should be to live with him and your kids, living with either sets of parents is not desirable at this stage because you will be burdening them with household chores as you both busy for career,and also for your own bonding/freedom.Once both your parents are a bit older you can get both of the parents to live with you guys and you can take care of both set of parents. First check whether nuclear family option is agreeable to him or not. So be a bit understanding of his perspective and try to reach some compromise.
    As for your studies, you can hire cook/nanny/for cleaning -hopefully your husband will agree because you already mentioned some problem about expenses. I know it's not possible to do homemaker job(cooking, cleaning etc) along with studies when you are competing with so many to get placed in a good job after that. It's a fiercely competitive world out there, don't spoil your career for which you must have invested so much time/effort- if you feel you really cannot do without your parents' help, then just go for it-don't compromise. Tomorrow if you are not bale to get a good job, you/your husband/kid will suffer the most.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
  8. startinganew

    startinganew Silver IL'ite

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    I think you have given reasons for how it would be perfect for *you* to live with your parents - in terms of child-care and household activities. But the loss of privacy for your husband - in addition to his career changes is definitely hard for him too. You are asking him to do exactly what you don't want to do *live with the in-laws*.

    As all others have chimed in - the compromise for both of you would be stay just by yourselves without either of the grandparents living with you. Visit both sides over alternate weekends - or (if grandparents agree) drop off kid for one day of the weekend - when you can catch up on your coursework.

    And if you stay in walking distance of your parents - you can always reach out for cooking help now and then too - depending on how close you are to mom.


    This is extremely unfortunate that he said and believes in this - as a homemaker - half of his salary rightfully is yours and he has to participate in household duties as much as is possible. (just my personal opinion)

    However, he must be appreciated for willing take a step back in his career to ensure your career can be as you would wish for it to be. In most households, sometimes mutually, sometimes not - husbands career is given higher priority over wife's.
     
    Afresh likes this.

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