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Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by KrishnaSri, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    Having discussed a lot with you all, let me tell you my family atmosphere from last 3 months.

    With a lot of bitter experiences and several adjustments, now my mother never tells any work to my wife. My wife had defined activities and mother has her activities.

    There are two incidents recently, despite all efforts to keep peace. We can not judge whole situation with two.But here are they for your perusal. I promise, these are the exact things happened.

    1. Incident-1: My wife had mild hand pain. My mother is doing all the works and told my wife to take rest. Both they have understanding that way. this is going for 4 days

    It was evening 5 O clock on one day. My 2 year old wants to go outside and play in park. (My wife shows less interest in taking the little one out frequently. My mother takes her to park regularl. When on holidays I take her outside. On daily basis me and my wife take the little one for bike ride which she likes. )

    Coming to this day, as my wife is not well due to hand pain, my mother was cleaning the house in the evening, my kid is cranky about going to park.

    Since she was asking incessantly, my mother took her abs headed to park. My wife asked her whether the cleaning is complete. My mom said, hall and hope bed room are left to be cleaned. Both proceeded further and day went calm.

    The next day my wife and to discuss with me. I said yes and asked what it is about.

    She narrated the whole thing and found fault with my mother for not stopping or room. Although she is stopping from pay 4 days. Sure asked me why she is doing like this.

    I said why is it such big thing, Why should we expect such service from elders and find faults with them.

    She asked me if she does this on purpose to my mother's room will I accept. Since she is emphasizing on purpose, I said I will not accept. I even said this is a small thing and she can ignore.

    She told me to ask my mom regarding this. I said, "she tells a lot of things about you, am I asking you all. I am not asking, I am ignoring most of them"

    She persisted on asking this. I resisted strongly, but asked my mother in person. My mother said as the little one is cranky she took her to park and said two rooms are yet to be sweeped.

    My wife says that mother had told only about hall not about our room.

    This went on to a Qual between me and my wife. Some shooting and abuses etc which are unwarranted. I promise, she abuses fi is sand I only copy and retort it later.

    The whole point is to prove my mother is not cleaning or room. My point is what if she is not doing that one activity.why should we expect this one activity when she is doing good amount of work.

    My wife them shifted focus on to my mother and told she is creating all the quarrels between Us....this went on. My mother had not spoke anything in all this.

    2 days later as I don't want such isolated atmosphere in my home, I reconciled with my wife. In fact I introspected or 3 years of marriage and genuinely found some of not many falls with me. I told the same to my wife and said sorry to her. I meant when I was telling this. I told my mother all this.

    Since I am the earning member of my family they are ignoring my faults and flattering enmity between them.

    I said I am planning to reduce her work load may be by buying a dishwasher, am automatic washing machine( we have a semi automatic one). (In fact me and my mother are planning to employ a house maid. This was not told to her)

    I said I am not trading her like a servant and told that she may stop doing, is she is not interested.

    She said she will do all the activities normally.

    (My wife protest will be to stop doing my mother's works specifically, she is willing to do work for me. It is her first line of protest all the time. In my family we don't separate like that, cooking means cooking for whole family, along for whole family, cleaning home for whole family, bringing reason items, medical works, earning for whole family. Contribution by all is important)

    With this situation is calm and happy by all.

    But observe the following here.

    • How the problem started
    • I am the one to reconcile all the issues and say sorry for none of my fault.
    The second incident I will post time to bring milk.
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry insinuation is probably not the right word. Maybe justification for his inlaws behavior. Your responses are beyond my scope of understanding ( male heir ) so I will let it be.

     
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  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Krishna ji, what is the point of all this ?
    We get the gist of the issues you face. Having your mother stay separately will not mean you have lost. What is the point of fighting day in day out over cleaning cooking? Do your mother ( and wife) a favor , find a place close by for her to stay. Visit her every morning on the way to work and in the evening. Both women will be happy.
    You seem to be hellbent on proving your wife is wrong. She might be but there are two sides to every story. If you intend to be happy get over this mindset. Hire someone to cook and clean or let your mother live close by separately. Good luck !


     
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  4. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    Let me tell you just there is a second quarrel just after 4 days, precisely 2 days back.

    I slept in my mother's room that day as my little one was very cranky and not sleeping earlier night. My wife told me to sleep in any other room as I was not having rest.

    The next morning, My wife has swept all the rooms except my mother's room. I noticed it and asked whether she will do. She said while she was sweeping other rooms, as I slept in my mother's room, she had not swept. As she had her bath, she is not planning to sweep for that day.

    I can't be leaving my specifically my mother's room, when she is doing and found other activities for everyone.

    So I took the broom and swept it to avoid the trouble. It hardly took me 2 min.

    Later my mother mopped her room with wet mop.

    *********************

    After some time my wife asked me whether I used the mop. I said no.

    When I just stepped out of home to go to office, my wife started asking my mother regarding mop.

    She said she used it.

    My wife was telling my mother that she had not squeezed it properly and there are water dropping from it.

    My mother said whatever you squeeze some amount of water does come.

    My DW was asking my mother, "even with hand pain I can squeeze it dry, why can't you do that "

    This blown my mother's fuse and she told I am doing this from past 30-40years, you don't have to guide me regarding this.

    As I just stepped out of my house and waiting for my office bus, I sensed a trouble and came back. There was a quarrel on going with my wife taking the leading abusive position.

    As I came, both are shocked and my mother told me to go to office.

    Them my wife's stayed abusing my mother as follows.

    • You are acting and creating dramas.
    • You are creating quarrels between wife and husband and enjoying.
    • You are doing all mistakes.
    • You pose like a pure women but you are not.
    These can hurt any one. My mother never said such things to my wife.

    I came back again immediately. Then my wife slapped my 2 year old 4 times roughly and took her to bath and not opened the door.

    I told her not to show her answer and frustration on the little one as she is innocent and is not good.

    I headed to office.

    My mother also said not to hurt my daughter.

    My wife replied

    "this is my daughter I will do whatever I want". Actually she is threatening. I told my mother earlier, if she does such things don't worry, as we worry much, further more abuse and slapping will result in my daughter

    So my mother said, Do as you wish.

    Then, my wife replied," that means even if I kill my daughter you won't bother. Is this the care you take.

    You don't have concern when if we quarrel and separate,

    I am married into an unfortunate house, this is my bad karma, hence fourth you don't talk to me I won't talk to you, I won't eat whatever you cook and I won't do your works"

    With this again section 144 in my home.

    All the while my wife is updating the status from here to my MIL and MIL was daily instructing her to not do any work. She is happily talking to my MIL as if nothing happened, while my mother and me pray God why this is happening.

    During the past 1.5-2 years whenever my mother feeds me with so much complaints etc, I used to bash her back to not tell any complaints and get adjusted.

    This time I am very clear, I do not want to approach her first.

    *******************

    All issues my arm pretty silly, but they are issues.
     
  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Not justification, but prediction.
    I predicted that the in-laws being simpletons according to the Mr. KS, would likely believe that the father's behavior would be passed on through the genes. And right away, the OP confirmed that even his wife (not only believed) but said that to him!
     
  6. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for your suggestion madam, but the situation made me to stoop too low and discuss on petty issues, since all you should be knowing.

    Otherwise I am very busy in up skilling my self in career and other areas.
     
  7. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    Madam thanks, we live in a office provided quarter, I had this plan of separate living, but I'd at all I do that I have the following plan.

    • Me and my vacate the office provided quarter leaving my mother there.
    • We live in a rented house.
    • My wife van go for a job of she wishes.
    • I visit my mother as and when possible, may be one in a week.

    This shall be okay for my wife.
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Mr.KS,
    The older generation of men develop behaviors like selective-hearing, clever-myopia, and gibberish-talk as survival and peacemaking techniques.

    Stop being an arbitrator between the warring parties at home. As you have noticed, two unswept rooms came to you for judgement, and you go and apologize to all. If you are clever, you'd have said something in good gibberish back to each of them. They will at first get nervous thinking that you are losing your mind, going crazy, and probably doing this at the office also. They will think that you'd soon lose your employment, and the whole family has to go out in the street to beg for a living. Pretty soon you will find that they are keeping their daytime quarrels to themselves, and not bringing it to you for judgement. Peace will set.

    Curious:
    How many TV sets are in the house ? This is a good peacemaker, when everyone is watching Saas-Bahu-Saazich on their own TV, there is not enough time to watch the other one, and find faults. Plenty of subliminal learnings from those programs. And besides, because you live in a very remote place, they will eventually discuss the TV show among themselves and even become tolerable to one another. The shows may even bring them together -- because many shows end in happy-peaceful scenes. TV's are good pacifiers for adults.
     
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  9. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    One TV, where both watch soaps as you said.
     
  10. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Get another one.
     

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