Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

OP,

There is no right or wrong answers about your expectations. It is time to change your views about marriage life.


(1) The function / celebration is for the newly married couple only, and it is not extended to other family members. Your expectation about inviting your mom is too much regardless of your circumstances.

(2) It is a standing joke, about nostalgia: "back in my day we had to walk uphill both ways"

Understand, your mom worked hard to raise you after your father left. But you cannot put the same expectation on your wife.

As you claim, if you are making "handsome" salary, what is wrong in employing a hired help?

She is working outside job or not, it doesn't matter. It is your responsibility to keep her happy, and you failed in doing so, she is running to her mom.

Carefully review your situation and try to gain your DW's trust.

 

there is are no rules. your wife is your family period.

that does not mean you treat your mom bad, kick her out with no money. you have to take care. but your arguments are baseless.

i do not blame you, it is your immaturity. Please do not think, i am siding your wife, if you review my posts, i have been against many ladies too.


again your defense shows your immaturity . you are not getting the wisdom @YoGirl is sharing.

but you are lucky too, i also went these issues with my H year back. there was no one to tell like IL.

 

3. Yo in laws shouldn't be soo rude by asking your capability/worth even you done the same with their daughter

4. Asking for domestic help too a crime ..

3.

 

@KrishnaSri I did not like the insinuation about abandoning family being a hereditary trait either @Amulet ??

If you notice the unequivocal answer from everyone here points towards not putting the entire blame on your wife.
There are suggestions that are pretty simple to implement. Having a cook is one of them. This will not change their bitter history but make your mother’s life better too. You can keep arguing about how terrible your wife is but that is not the point of your post here ? You want a solution and most of us have offered it to you.

 

Good tht you already practice these..
Don’t be disheartened by any of our responses if at all we ve offended you. We are just trying to convey your wife’s thoughts and situations as we all have experienced atleast a slice of it at one point or the other. These fallouts are quite common in many families but pls don’t blame everything on your wife is what the point is. Try to look at it from a different angle too

 

I was confused about @KrishnaSri's reaction to my comment as well.
Here is my comment, there are no insinuations.

OP's family squabbles could be escalating because all sides in the fight could be seeing/hearing things they had already presumed to see/hear and then, further build on it. This is a sad thing, but not so unique.
Growing up amid tough circumstances would leave lasting lessons (hangups?) on a person for how life, finances, and behaviors ought to be. It is going to be tougher yet to unlearn all of that, and reset. One redeeming feature of such lives is the child. No matter how dysfunctional, families stay together for the child(ren); and may even squabble less and less as she grows up and gains an understanding of what is going on at home.
An easy fix is to have another child (or two), which could be already in the plan, because a family would need a male heir. More heads at home would make squabbles even more tiring, and besides, people would be older and wiser to realize that fights/arguments had gotten them nowhere in the past, and might go on to the same conclusion in the future as well. As the famous song said: "don't worry; be happy".

 

I appreciate the effort that you have taken in posting in ladies forum to get advise or to understand the women's perspective. Having taken that step, its important to acknowledge your mistakes and see the amount of pressure your wife feels in you asking her to adapt to your family ways. From your response, we see that you are working through the troubles but you failed to see that you are behaving like a typical indian men who forgets to understand his wife's view.

Talking to anyone in abusive manner isn't accepted. But what I want to suggest here is, don't look upon just her actions. Ponder over..What caused her to be abusive? Has she always been abusive or is this a new behavior? Has your mom been abusive to her anytime? Important question, amidst all issues generally how does your mom treat her?

Its not common for anyone to go to their parents house in 2nd month. She could have been desperate to leave your house..that may be the reason. She was pregnant with your baby and why would you think about the usual norms and not think what your wife desires (when she is ready to go through so much of bodily and mental changes) and do them with all of your heart. Also, I see you have some expectations in your mind and if it doesn't happen that way, you tend keep it in back of your mind.

You have got so much of suggestions. Self realization has to take place for you to unwrap all of your the family issues.

 

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Ok. I can understand that ur wife is also a part of the problem. Before marriage everything including the talk is very casual and we take it lightly. But after marriage it turns out because of practical happenings and disappointment s. Can give some suggestions. Even u r family is not used to have a maid, it's OK. Appoint a maid who can take care of most household activities(for cooking May be all the three of ur decision) and see if a part of this problem settles. Because u have mentioned that ur wife is not well versed in doing household activities. Doing small adjustments like these may help u and ur family (including ur wife) . If u talk with ur mom, ur mom may get insecure. If u talk with ur wife, she may get insecure. So it is better to change the way we think where small adjustments can be made which gives us problems.