Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

@KrishnaSri

do not ruin your life for your immediate emotional attachment with your mom. you have got excellent responses from here , you are actually pushing the senior members here and defending.

i assume your are in early stage of marriage, 1 - 3 years. right now it will look cool to justify and make them act the way you feel right. after 10 years of fight, it will be mental disaster.

first have a serious talk with your wife to stop this false DV cases topic. that is not good. either divorce or live together but no police in india. police is very bad in India

next i can say is live alone with your wife for atleast 1 year. if your child is 6 months and above. do not even let her parents live. they can visit , same goes to your mom.

you and your wife need to bond and understand, that you 2 are family. rest is extended family.

this sound harsh immediately , but if your mom is healthy and not bed ridden , it is not a bad life. she can live alone for some time. it just feels like torture mentally but it is not.

you can spend hours IL , justifying your actions. it does not matter. YOUR PRIORITIES are wrong. Indian men do not date, so it is hard.

Your mom has more than 30 years of experience in taking care of house , cooking and stuff. Do not expect from 1 - 2 year wife . .

even at work , you will not do.


see typing in BOLD letters is not hard. i can also do but . Understand the wisdom behind the people who are taking their time to tell.

Unless your wife is an abusive person, i see that you are ruining your life under the impression that you are fixing your life.


Last i will not say all is wrong. Remember it was your decision to marry this person. It is perfectly OK to have a wife who does house work all of it. ( I am not a PRO ladies person ) but these questions should be made perfectly clear when you were talking with her first time.

 

Since you quoted my name here, let me tell you my honest reply

You were honest about your job, salary and all... and maintain the same till now. Good for you.
Your problem is that your wife told you something about her culinary skills before marriage, but changed after marriage.
Very valid question....

Before I write my comments, would you mind replying to this question?

What if your FIL comes to you and suggest which job to chose, how to earn, and how to do the office works? Of course with a good intention to share his experience, and guide you.
Would you feel comfortable obeying your FIL, and choosing a job according to him?
Would you still be successful and passionate about that job, your FIL suggested?
Or would you feel like a slave, and decide not to do anything instead?

Same applies to your wife too. Think about it.

She must have been ready to cook and do the chores as she pleases, like any new wife
But your mother's constant interferences in the name of guidance and sharing experience (of course with a good intention only) would have turned her off.
She would have felt like a maid, instead of an independent woman.
So, obviously decided not to anything at all...

 

this is a typical early stage of Power play. he wants to control both mom and wife. mom is mom, so cannot be controlled. Wife is new and fighting back.

he does not realize the advise coming from years of marriage and is focused on initial emotional attachments.

he should live alone with wife.


my H after moving to usa changed towards fully in towards me and kids. he made sure, his mother and my mom did not visit us for almost 3 years. now after 10 years and 2 kids, he is more happy than me if my mom or his mom appears. He says, he can kick our 2 kids out to moms and start DATING ME AGAIN FOR next 6 momths of their stay.

 

Nope. Usually women go around 8 months.
When pregnancy risks are involved and bed rest is prescribed by the dr, women go earlier to their home. They feel comfortable in their parents home

 

Lucky you

 

thanks. infact, he is more happy if my mom comes. because sometimes, when i am angry i won't cook for him that day. or make him do all the dishes.

his mom also will scold him a lot .

my mom will never do, she takes care ever better than me. she will scold me . he is like a pampered Son in law.

you have no idea how jealous i feel to be woman. get screwed by MIL, scolding by mom too.

 

Thanks for asking my opinion..
For your introspection..
2) about her doing job: you are giving permission with certain conditions.. like look for a job near the place you stay. Wrong! What does she want to do? Work outside? What domain? If not IT, what else? If nothing, still ok.. Remember, she is not sitting idle at home and eating up ur salary. She is contributing her share as a wife. If not, you would have better hired a maid than marry.
If you are serious about her working, let her analyze, spread her thoughts.. you know for girls, the decison to work outside doesnt come automatically cuz the way we are raised.. we are often restricted to not be outside for long hours, not talk to opposite gender, no involvement in decision making home.. so all of a sudden, getting into external world, making choices and sticking to it is tough. We need assurance that H has our back in the decisions that we take.

3) household chores is not just women’s job. Were you asked if you can contribute/help in household chores? Atleast wash your plate and your clothes and organize your cupboard..leave alone hers and the whole family. Do you do that?

4) Biggest problem!! Same in my case too. Your mom tried to save money being middle class so that she can take care of her family( her H and her kids). Its upto her how she strategized the money aspects. And its your wife’s decision to have domestic help or not in your family. Unless you too contribute in household chores.. plz plz dont compare the needs to mom and wife for a maid. Family evolve to lead a better life. So, if you were middle class before and still middle class.. i am sorry, you are not earning enough.. or you are in wrong skill area.. or you are not utilizing what you studied..your strategies are wrong..just like her cooking is insuffficient.
Ok. So being middle class do you take public bus to office? Buy only new clothes for festivals? Buy basic phone and not smart phone? Sacrifice on other expenses? Iron your clothes to save money? If that middle class characteristics dont apply to you.. sorry to say.. they wont apply to her as well.
Past generations, dads used to work in fields, wait for rains, etc etc.. are men of this gen still doing same? Didnt they get upgraded? Then why should women not upgrade their middle class life style. Didnt your mom upgrade from kerosene stove to gas stove? Didnt she upgrade from having to stand in line for drinking water tanker to filling water at home?
IMHO, your feeling towards what your mom might think if you hire a maid is bothering you more than the opinion of your wife. A good mom will ideally suggest to hire a maid. Another reason to hire a maid is.. mil often suggest how to do household chores, how to sweep, how to wash, how to fold.. just like how to cook..which is super irritant. Not having a maid is one thing..doing things her way is more frustrating. And the comparison that H makes.. my mom keeps the house this way and that way and the wife opposite way!


It is easy for a guy to say that he is ok being a home maker and the wife be a breadwinner.. please do so, but shift the arena to your in laws house(wife’s house) to stay there and say it loud that you want to me a home maker where your wive’s parents(your mil and fil) guide you on how to take care of stuff( be it household or outside stuff)

 

There is a terrible atmosphere in home as per your post. Don't you heard of that a pregnant lady should be with peace of mind ?and the tradition of spending time with parents during pregnancy is for peace of mind.

1. Why she shouldn't go a little early to her parents house while you were being everyday with your mother?

2. Everyone visits their partner during pregnancy VERY COMMON as part of love/responsibility.. no great sacrifice or effort in it

U="KrishnaSri, post: 4091782, member: 480853"]Yes we (me and my wife)have gone to inlaws house and extended family functions too,

My wife went for 1st delivery in the 2nd month, i have been shuttling every month 3days to my MIL's house until delivery. is it common for ladies to go to maternal house in 2nd month itself. My innocence.[/QUOTE]