Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

I think don't worry about give replies to everyone who posted advices to you but focus on what they suggested. It will help you correct your trouble marriage and it stops going bad to worse stage. Good luck!

 

2..Can family sometime mean just you and your wife and not other ppl(like ur mom, sis, etc). As long as you include everyone as family, she will continue to include her parents as family too..
One of my friend(non indian) once said, she refers to family as her and her husband, but she observed many Indians saying my family, my family side, our tradition often refer to guy or gal with his/her parents and not the wife and husband.
Till date, i still say ‘my side of family’ which refers to me and my parents side.
3.. in those some places, do you also visit your inlaws house? Do you stay a few days when you visit them? Not for festivals but generally on a holiday.

 

First of all let me for your honest post here.
Don't worry, you will definitely find some solutions here.

No, this unspoken tradition varies with each different family.
So, don't consider disrespectful when someone don't follow the same tradition as you.
Besides, people chose to amend their tradition depending on their comfortability too.
Let your in laws follow what is convenient for them. Don't make them or your wife because of your mom.
If she feels uninvited and uncomfortable at your in laws place, let her not to go there.
It is one thing that you love and respect your mom. But it is completely another thing to expect everyone to love and respect her.

Even I don't want to enter into my kitchen if someone is there watching me, or constantly advice me on how to do or what to do?
Your wife is not a teen girl who needs guidance on cleanliness and everything. Even if she is not a great cook, let her evolve and learn from mistakes. That's how we all have become good cooks today.
She is now married, and became the lady of the house now. She shouldn't be made to feel like a guest or outsider.
It should be her home, her choice and her style.
Ask your mom to back off.
Even if your wife's cooking is different from your mom's, you better acknowledge the fact that here after it is going to be your wife's style which will work in the kitchen.
Don't expect her to follow your mom.

Don't you see that you are also doing the same.
When you explain the struggles of your mom, you go on to praise her struggle as a single mom.
At the same time, nowhere I could see a positive description about your wife here.
I am not blaming you here. But the fact is that we tend to feel so much love and pride about our parents only after becoming adults/parents.
As kids and teens, we may have taken their love and efforts for granted.

It is true that parental love is unconditional, and they do it without expecting anything in return. So, there needs loads of appreciations. You both do it right, wholeheartedly.

But not seeing the partners' effort with the same lens is your problem here. May be you both expect equal return from each other; hence feel nothing extra ordinary.
I mean, you take efforts to provide for her, and she takes efforts to nurture you and the kid by staying with you.
This is why you are not excited about it.
Take baby steps to appreciate each others efforts and sacrifices.

There can be NO good reason to tap your wife's conversations unless you are separated, or plans to be separated.

The problem is clearly your mom. Not your mom as a person. But your love and excessive protective nature towards your mom.
Your mom can live with you. But as an extended family member in your house.
It doesn't mean your mom gets any less treatment. But it means your wife gets to be upgraded as the lady of the house.
Let your mom to take a back seat when it comes to your family matters.. be it simple cooking, or child care or major decisions like career or investments.
At the same time, always keep your immediate family as your priority.
Do what it cost to make your mom happy. She deserves it for whatever she has done for you. But not at the cost of making your wife sad.

Looking at the above, I can see how miserable your wife could be. So her frequent calls to her mom, however immature they may be, is because of her pains only.
She will be fine the moment you start considering her as your first priority.

 

The wife has to come to your home, forget her parents..learn your cooking, traditions.
So her entire brain has to be rewired.
This is the problem in all Indian marriages.

 

"My mother cooks for the whole family as my wife does not know how to cook. We encouraged her to cook, but she wants that this to be done her way. "

This is one of the main issue. Your mother and you want food in your way because you like that taste. She likes what her mother cooks for her. No one likes to be instructed all the time and complain about it. Your mother may peel potato in one way, you wife do it another way. After all its just a potato. ( this was the issue that lead to a fight between a friend of mine & her MIL). Time changed. You wife is an adult. Its already 3 years. She dont need a babysitter all the time. Let her find a way to improve herself.

I know it very well because my dh like his mothers cooking. I dont have any problem with it. I try to cook that way too. But it wont be perfect as my taste buds are tuned with the food I am used to eat before marriage. Same dish taste different sometimes as we are from two different corners of the same state in India.

I have very good relation with my MIL. I know she is my MIL and not mother, so respect that boundary. She too. I treat her like my mom in all other aspects. One thing I really appreciate in her is that she never tell me what to do or correct me unless I ask for it. Even if she think I am not doing it right, she don't complain or make a mess. That gives me space to learn or correct it in my own way. So I get that freedom to ask her to correct me. She don't interfere when I cook, vice versa. That freedom and space is missing in your wife's case. I wrote this to say I am not biased here. So I know how suffocating it will be if you both instruct her all the time. She may feel like you guys invading into her space.

May be you can reach a middle ground. Both of them can cook whenever they want. But it is better to have one cook at one time in the kitchen. May be one can cook breakfast, another one lunch, or both can decide to what to cook. Make her part of the decision team. If your mother decide what to cook and what to eat. then its like imposing rules on her. Some women use kitchen as place to show their control.

Your mother deserves all the love and respect. She needs to be treated well and needs some rest. Tell your mom about that. She can help her with your kid, kitchen or anything she want to do. She has been working for all these years. May be your mother also need a break. She can visit her daughter and relax there too.

Your wife deserve to be treated like your family. So both of them should have equal power in kitchen. Not like one to order and other to obey.That creates a mess. Also you don't know what is happening in home when you are away for work. So listen to them, but don't believe any of them 100%. Take a neutral stand. I know in some cases, MIL behave nicely when her son is around, once he leave the scene, the tone of talking to DIL change. I feel both are equally responsible for this mess now. Appreciate the positives and encourage it.

If you want to make your wife to notice something and correct it,frame your words in a positive & compassionate way than complaining. She will understand it well. But when you change tone like finding fault with her, she notice that negativity but not the message.

You need to spend time with your mom. That is is your responsibility. But ask yourself. Are you spending enough time with your wife. For any women, husband & kids are their own family. So take some effort to enjoy it as a team. If you are not doing that she may feel very neglected. If you can satisfy her emotional needs, all these issue becomes small. She needs support and comfort, so avoid negative way if any in your tone, try to be positive and encourage her to learn and evolve instead of finding fault with her. Try to be in her shoes too. You need both of them. Take a neutral stand. Take complaints only if you think its serious.

I strongly suggest you to read old posts in relationship forum in Indusladies , especially married life and relationship with In laws. You will realize how common this issue is. Recently also I saw one thread on how DIL is tensed by the presence of MIL in her home and kitchen. It may help you to understand this situation better and solve it.