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Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by KrishnaSri, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    gem of an advice @Laks09. Will refer to this frequently and I will implement. Thank you.
     
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  2. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, she Started preparing for gate exam, it's her long time goal to write and score good in this.

    After this her plan is to start a tuition centre in my home itself.

    If that pans out well okay.

    Also sometimes she says she would like to spend more time with my kid in her formative years.

    Too confused and conflicting priorities, both of us.

    But I suggested 2-3 good careers to her.

    1) She is a graduate in computer applications, I suggested web design/ web development to her. ( I also have a great interest in this field, bought several courses, material bundles and a good software. I am a mechanical engineer, but I am interested in this area)

    2) I suggested her to learn about capital markets and become an investment advisor.

    Kindly note these are the options I know to earn good, I am not trying to restrict her field to my interest areas.

    I leave it to her, she may choose.
     
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  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Very true
     
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  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Support her to accomplish her goals. Her success is your success plus more income. This might bring in changes in her attitude. You have to tell both your mother and DW that their conflicts only hurts you. If they both truly love you, they have to find a way to get along.
    "conflicting priorities" - no, when you work, you pay more attention to the kid as you know you have limited time. You spend quality time which is better than staying all day home, getting frustrated, unhappy and take it on the kid.
     
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  5. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    Hello krishnasri,

    All these plans are fine. But are these your plans which she is nodding her head to or is she actually onboard?

    That is the point you need to clear up first. You and your wife need to get on the same page first regarding some basic things. After that you make all your plans for which there are plenty of suggestions.

    From what you have written I feel you don’t have any idea on what is really going on in your wife’s mind. As lord of the house you are proposing this and that assuming she is on board. At the time she is quiet but then during implementation suddenly she will erupt and whole plan backfires and you are so shocked - this has been the story all along, in my opinion.

    Don’t mistake her silence for assent.

    the 2 incidents you described are troubling. It seems she is very focused on getting your mom out of the house. By pinpointing that she will only do some works and some rooms etc she is systematically drawing a distinction between your mom and you. I never heard of any oppressed dil demanding her mil finish all the housework before taking kid to park. Doesn’t sound like an oppressed person to me. I could be wrong and both these incidents may be a one -off I don’t know. But be aware and on the look out as these don’t bode well for your optimistic outlook. She seems to have a different agenda.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
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  6. Imani

    Imani New IL'ite

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    I think it is sad she is taking out anger on your child. I agree she needs to stop that and get help if necessary.

    This seems like a really difficult situation and it is unfortunate you all are having to deal with it. It seems like you are loyal to your wife, mother, and marriage and trying to make it work the best you can. I think it is good that you can try to see both your mother's and wife's perspective. I think it is great that you have apologized when you recognized that you made a mistake. Since you try not to raise your voice it might bother you even more that your wife has done it to your mother whom you really care about. I am sorry people said that leaving kids/ family is hereditary trait especially since that is not true. Sometimes it has an environmental component and people could learn to do the same thing but there are also lots of people that would learn that it is horrible and try to never do that to someone else. I think it seems like it is creating a lot of extra work for you to be the intermediary between them, but it seems like you did it to try and help the situation.

    Behavior has a purpose even if other people do not know or understand the purpose. I think the question is why is she doing these things. I do not know Indian laws. Does she stand to benefit financially by her behavior? Can she divorce you and get a good income while having her "freedom?" I do not know if it is true for her, but some people like to be see as the victim and like having people pity them. Some people like to create drama. I wonder if your wife is insecure because you said she does not take feedback well. Another possibility is she just really does not want to do household tasks and hence does not care for any feedback. Though those are not the only possible explanations. Did she even want to get married? With your examples, I cannot understand why your wife is bringing up what seem like minor issues. Unless there would be damages or bugs, I do not care how someone cleans their room and if it is my room or a shared space and I do not like how it was cleaned I would do it the way that I wanted.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
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  7. Imani

    Imani New IL'ite

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    Post would not work thought it was too long so split it up.

    Have you asked your wife to please not raise her voice to your mother? Have you asked her to please try not to say harsh things to your mother? If so how did you bring it up? Using I statements could be helpful. For example: I like when people use a moderate tone of voice. I am worried that when my mother is told ___ that it hurts her feelings. I am worried that my wife is very unhappy and I would like to try to help this situation if I can. I am afraid that my wife thinks that I do not care about her feelings. I am stressed because I am having a difficult time creating a peaceful household and I want my mother and wife to know that I care about them both and am trying to find a compromise. (I am a female so I realize guys might not want to use certain feeling words, which is sad because it would get family's attention & hopefully they would want to help.)

    I think it is insightful that you thought about if your mom and wife argue and then you get a maid that it could create problems and reinforce undesirable behavior. I am glad you have your sister for support. I like the book Men are from Mars & women are from Venus. I did not think it fully related to this situation but I doubt it would hurt to read it. Sorry if I repeat things other people said. I hope this helps. The forum only allows a post to be edited for an hour. Best wishes!
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
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  8. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    @Imani , my wife does not seem to be interested in alimony and is proceeds.

    My MIL thinks to teach us a lesson by the police counseling, case etc. Several times she advised my wife to create a ruckus in our house (quarters) surroundings to bring embarrassment to me buy shouting and screaming for help. My wife did not do this. I am least bothered about such things, as I have good reputation and can live with out it too. My this Carefree behavior against my reputation is known to my wife. She is not interested in such things.

    My wife, as I guess is not interested in cases. She wants to satisfy her self respect by controlling us.
     
  9. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    My wife has a behavior to pick fights with total strangers in social places too, if she thinks they are violating some rules. Although it may be heroic, I am not such a hero. I leave such incidents and mostly ignore and adjust.

    I told her in social places, don't pick quarrels.
     
  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    You DW is an educated woman and how does she stand by this? That is what you should ask your DW. Perhaps, your MIL is an uneducated woman. Your MIL eventually will destroy your marriage. Is that ok with your DW? What kind of love does she have for her daughter ?
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
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