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Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by KrishnaSri, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi, we are married for 3 years and had a lovely baby.

    I am 32 year Male.

    My dependent mother stays with us and she does the household activities. We live far from city due to nature of my job.

    My wife is a graduate with no job experience and is not very knowledgeable in her domain. Sorry to be sounding judgmental, but that is the fact. My wife was not much interested doing a job knowing her caliber. She was reluctant to do household chores too as she was not doing them in her maternal home. Her parents although said that she is habituated to all the house hold activities, repent now that their daughter is doing the household works.

    I am a decent job holder with handsome salary. I am being brought my single dependent mother. We really dreamt of a very happy life with my wife. We have not asked any sort of dowry and we don’t have any demands. We have more than enough for our middle class family.

    During initial period, my mother used to guide her regarding what works to be done eventually expecting my wife will take up the works. As my wife was reluctant to do these works she shared with she mother and she fueled my wife’s reluctance further.

    My wife’s mother is very disrespectful of my mother and never invites to their home during customary Dushera & Pongal. This is an unspoken tradition in South India that for at least 1-2 years, bridegroom’s family be called to festivals. They used to call only me and my wife for festivals, treating my mother as a separate person. I told them that my mother be called for such festivals as a custom. It is very difficult for them to accept this and they argued twice, thrice that there is no such custom. This argument/discussion irked all parties involved. They are reluctant to call my mother to their house and my mother is not willing to go to their house. We are not having any problem in calling them to our house and we do call my sister and her family for 5-6 years. Even today we call them for festivals.

    My mother cooks for the whole family as my wife does not know how to cook. We encouraged her to cook, but she wants that this to be done her way. Even a small guidance from my mother regarding taste or procedure or cleanliness irks her disproportionately. Now both of them do some defined areas of activities, but are competitive of each other. Both are very stubborn in understanding each other. Both are adjusting in their ways but they are not recognizing the sacrifices and adjustments of others.

    There used to be lot of quarrels in our family regarding who has to do what work. I used to passify them both and struggled a lot. They carry enmity about each other and all of us have suffered very painful days. We both love each other but we had our part of troubles which have gone to severe extremes sometimes. I suggested my wife to read some books in which she is interested and take up any job from home if she is interested.

    What I identified the main problem is my wife behaves differently with different people and is a chronic lier. She exaggerates the situation while explaining, that too selectively.

    She loves her father and mother so much so that she exaggerates every small expense they did to her in multiples which are beyond reality and are outright lies. When proven they pass like clouds. If I did a greater expense, took care or anything for that matter, she never seemed care as this is my responsibility or she never feels excited. That’s a double standard I feel.

    She daily calls her mother and shares everything with her. Sharing the reality is not a problem, but she concocts some glaring lies on us and show case me and my mother as demons/ cruel to the core. This goes on regular basis. This naturally upsets my MIL family and she thinks to file a case on me and such things. She propagates this ill information/ feeling in her relatives and they suggest me and my wife be separated.

    I know all my wife’s conversations with her mother. I keep a tap on that for good reason. Because her mother tries to file false cases this is for our protection. But, be rest assured, I am doing it in a good spirit, to understand my wife and to save my family and marriage. I am not suspecting her of any infidelity or such behavior. I love her. I am not reluctant if someone taps my conversations, because I don’t have to concoct lies.

    Now I really don’t understand why my wife lies to her parents by playing victim card as if she is not being treated properly as a human being. Mind you, she may not get any grand money from them as they are very poor compared to us. She is not doing for any money.

    Because of her behavior we adjusted so much and we leave her enough freedom. We don’t question her for her wrong doing and we go great lengths when she does some good things.

    I love her for what she is. She loves me in return. But the problem remains unsolved.

    I request the IL members to suggest me some tips to cope. Living separately will not work for me as my mother is dependent on me and it really puts me in a losing stride. I want all my family to be living happily.

    Am I asking for more...
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am not an elite senior member but someone that does not hate her in laws rather gets along well with them. So any recommendation here does not come from a abused DIL mindset. So there is less chance to be biased I think.

    Having a newly wed wife and mother under the same roof can be tricky . Your mother wanting to have things work her way in the kitchen and then having complained to wifes mother was probably the first step in a bitter unhappy relationship. I like my MIL because she has never imposed anything . That is very important . Respect the DIL’s choices and her individuality. Half the battle won.

    Tomorrow when my DIL comes I will take a backseat in running the household. This is the start of her married life and she should be the one directing it.

    If wife cannot cook don’t penalize her for it. If you can afford it get a cook. Reduce the drama and competition.
    Don’t bad mouth your wife to your mother. If mother living separately is not choice and mother seems more understanding ask her to take a backseat . To avoid arguments.
    Did you not know before you married what your wife’s capabilities, education , expectations were ? You cannot change her but accept things if you love her.

    Taping private phone conversations is a breach of trust and privacy.

    Pooja invitations are not deal breakers. Your mother does not have to go if she feels disrespected. That’s where the matter ends .

    It takes two hands to clap . So putting entire blame on your wife for this drama may not be right. Look at all perspectives .
     
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    @SinghManisha has already conveyed everything .

    Problems definitely arise when MIL feels that her way of cooking is only right.
    Not every DIL wants to hear the lecture always.


    You very well know what will happen if your wife gets to know about tapping. It’s like adding ghee to the fire. Better stop it !

    Each and everyone would have brought up in different environment. It’s not so easy to adapt quickly for a woman.It takes some time.

    And expecting your mother to be invited by your inlaws , since you will invite your sisters family is unfair.

    They should understand that and send a invite to your mother too.
    But you cannot force them to invite your mother.
     
  4. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks @SinghManisha & @shravs3 for the reply.

    I understand the risk of tape conversations. But it is to avoid any false DV cases, because of the tendency of my MIL's family to plan such things at the drop of hat.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The festival issue is not a big deal.
    Every family is different.
    Just because you call your sister's family does not mean your wife's parents have to do the same.
    These kind of comparisons are often not helpful.

    You say your inlaws are not well off.
    Calling the parent of the son inlaw inlaw means extra preperations which means extra expenditure.
    If things are not done according to satisfaction,then it is another problem.
    Infact keeping both sets of parents at some distance during the early years of marriage is good. It helps prevent misunderstandings.

    Op you have written ' we' many times.
    Do you think your wife may be feeling that you and your mom are a team against her.
    Sometimes the guy does not realise that and the wife may feel like she is being bullied when two people get after her.

    What are the complaints she makes to her parents?

    Since you know...could you write them.Then you could get a better feed back.

    She is newly married. She will learn to cook in time.
    Is it possible for your mom to go on a break to your sister's place for sometime.

    Then your wife will have to take care of everything.
    May be she will enjoy when she has full responsibility ....or may be she will start appreciating the help she is getting from your mom.

    May be you should ask her to try out something new that your mom does not cook or something she likes.

    She could try cooking special dishes for the kid.
    Introduce her to u tube cooking channels.
    There are so many things one can learn on u tube.

    May be learning on her own will reduce the tension between them.

    Have you taken her out alone ever?Couples need to have a life out side of the joint family even in a joint family.
    May be try going for a vacation.
     
  6. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    @OP, I share a very very cordial relationship with my MIL.. But,There was this time when my bil s life was being discussed by my H and her and I went to ask something, she said, we will finish talking or something that sounded like, our talk is not for you.. Now I speak only when I visit them and if she volunteers any info, I enquire about it, otherwise obviously I know through my H but care less..

    I tell you, when she did that, my H asked it seems , she is a part of family, why did you say such a thing, she came and told me not to feel bad. Have you ever done it?

    You are a family, she needs to get comfortable in it, don't compare her with your mother. I understand your mother is strong whether it was circumstances or her nature, she is confident. A girl, who finished a degree but couldn't get a job in her field is no match, on top of it, why do you put her down?
    I tell you a way out, be diplomatic, when mom complains about your wife, take wives side and vice versa.. Be the neutral person..

    Your wife is a caring mother? Your kid is a boy or girl? Make sure it is not a we n them situation..
     
  7. Indeevara

    Indeevara Platinum IL'ite

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    As mentioned in many of the responses above; never let her feel that she is being opted out of the family. Have you ever tried talking with her patiently on what exactly is the reason for her to behave so with your mother? I think its a result of a series of issues thats been happening over the couple of years.
    I too have a good relationship with my MIL but many a times have felt like I am being avoided from the mother- son conversations or that they suddenly stop talking when I am around. I understand the mother- son - family talks and privacy but its quite intimidating to me as a wife. When you marry a girl you expect her to be completely a part of your family ;in that case you should be ready to involve her in your family matters too - thats my take. Has she experienced any of the above situations?
    All these could ve made her resentment pile up?
    As it is we girls always have tiffs on trivial matters with our moms always ; but at the end of the day we forget it due to the mother- daughter bond. So expect even worse tiffs and opinion differences btwn mil- dil as the bond is missing there- you can try to be the bond in this case!

    Go for a short vacation with your wife and kid , once in a while its ok to have some time on ur own as a couple to sort out things. I read about greater expenses which u take care, remember women do not expect expensive gifts provided she is sure that her parnter loves her truly from heart.
     
  8. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Their tendency ? How many sudden false DV had they planned before ?
    Wow... this is the first time I have heard of this anticipatory defense for a false divorce case.

    Not inviting a widow-woman to auspicious occasions (festivals etc. ) is an old custom. In these days, widows wear good clothes, bindi/flowers, and jewellery. Many of us do not follow the old custom of having widows hide in the backgrounds in the festival days; however, in this case, it may be due to how the MIL's character is known, whether reality or concoction, in the parental household of the DIL.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2018
  9. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Did you realize that all through out of you describing your issue that you were taking your mom's side ? That's the typical men that most women complain (after marriage, of course!). You have known your mom right from your birth and hence you are confident that she isn't the source of any issue but when it comes to daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship, it is entirely different and that's where you seem to have failed to understand the nature of issue. You seem to have been complaining about your mom not been invited to their house. Why would you create such expectations in first place? Every family is different just like yours and you couldn't take it as you have framed an expectation which isn't your wife's or her family's fault. Or rather it could also be because your wife isn't happy around your mother's presence and her family takes this as an opportunity to give their daughter a little peace of mind(which girls parents wouldn't?). Your wife has left her home and come to stay with your family, which is all together a biggest change in a girls' life and in some cases it will add lot more stress to her if the new family hesitates to accept her as she is.

    It can be true that her parents mentioned that but that doesn't mean she is an expert in jumping to do all the work or that her parents want her to do all the work...Most of the girls before marriage does help their parents with lil house hold chores but at your home it may not be little work or it could be your mom could have dictated/lectured her and hence she is hesitant or frustrated. I'm not trying to support her here. Sitting idle at home letting others do all the work is no good thing but aiming to give you some clarification about your complaint. Its more like how your mom might have promised to take care of her DIL just like her daughter. But in reality does it happen? So do not take word to word statements and come to a conclusion.


    Well, this is done only to gain more of your attention towards her. She is not a liar here. It can be possible that she boasts 'about things that you have done to her' to her parents in your absence. Please, try to understand that. Every girl will do their best to talk high of her family. If you still cant understand that, please try talking to your sister if that helps.


    Well, for once try tapping the conversation between your mother and sister, you might get to know how much your mom can exaggerate about your wife's small mistakes. That being said, I can clearly see that you see yourself and your mom to be the nicest people compared to your wife. You say you love your wife but by tapping her conversation you have already let yourself down in your relationship.

    If you want to solve the issues,
    1. Stand in your wife's shoes and look at the issues with open mind.
    2. When she gets a chance to stay alone with you and your kid, she can be all together a different and responsible person. Women tend to get a feel, 'my family and my home'. If that's not an option, let her do the things her way. Respect her choices and help her with lots of appreciate. If you think your mom is an understanding person, ask her not interfere in how and what your wife does.
    3. Get help. Hire a maid or cook.
    4. Take your wife and kid for vacation, cinemas, beach, etc. You have to show her the urge to spend some quality time with her. Women likes to feel 'to be wanted' by her husband. Appreciate her looks and any little efforts she takes to make you happy.
    5. Stop tapping her conversation. The more you hear the more you lose your peace and become judgmental. Sometime she might just want to vent things to her mom but it may not mean anything. it could be all because of stress or suffocation that she may not able to be herself.
    6. She has to feel that your house is her home. That is in your hands and of course of how she is treated. Take your wife's side sometimes and show that you trust her, she might slowly make you less worry of the troubles you have.

    All what i have written is based on how you mentioned your issues. By all means i do not know how your mom treats your wife. But i see that there is blind trust on your family members which you have to loosen up to look all sides.
     
    nakshatra1, Zxcv, suasin and 5 others like this.
  10. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

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    My mother is not a widow, my father separated from her (not legally), at my 13 year and my mother brought up me and my sister with great difficulty.(You may tell it is her responsibility).My father is very well alive.

    They used to explain about some such cases of counseling, alimony, husband's learning a lesson because of their relatives influence with police department, just out of context. This may be due to the live they had on her daughter and indirectly telling me to take good care of my DW. Which I am doing otherwise also.
     
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