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He Loves Me A Lot And I Do Too But Very Confused..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Private2all, Mar 18, 2017.

  1. Private2all

    Private2all New IL'ite

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    Dear strangers.
    I'm not sure how to start this ? I had been a silent reader since the beginning .i used to read the problems and always thanked God for giving me a wonderful life .
    I never thought I will be posting my problem in here.

    I had been married for 17 yrs .have a wonderful parents,siblings,in-laws ,2 wonderful kids and a loving husband .

    My husband is wonderful guy he gives me my space and I'm very independent to do what ever I want to do.we had been married very early (19&25)and moved to s'pore .we grew together .from beginning we discussed and took decisions about any small thing ,I used to advise him and support him in his decisions ( I'm confused whether I should say used to or still am).
    Then we moved to USA .we have my DH masi there so that helped us a lot,it made us settle and adjust to that country and made it our home very quickly.made wonderful friends .masi started telling us to buy a house because renting is waste of money ,since it was one income we started saving money though masi said to borrow money from parents and in-laws( they r well off so)my DH never agreed to that and saved money and bought our first home after like 6yrs I was Soo proud of my husband .

    After few month I realized he was more careful about his phone he was giving it to my kids to play but when I wanted it first he used to take it check and then give me so I started feeling some thing is wrong so one day when he was sleeping I took his phone and checked so there was a message from some lady saying "GN hug hug kiss" that's it I was shocked and couldn't believe what I was seeing,I did not sleep whole night next day when he was in shower I dared and left a message "GM"
    She left a message too "GM" I immediately deleted the messages and confronted him
    And told him to show his phone when he showed it there was a big message from her ( he still did not read that ) saying I'm sorry for last night I should have not done so u know how possessive I'm about you with me .when I asked him about that he said she works for his company from different country and he got mad at her because she did not finish some work he screamed at her( he never ever scolded me or any one not even bad words or loud voice )I got Sooo angry I lost it but still he was cool and told me no nana pls believe me I did not do any thing wrong she is just a colleague and she treats me like a friend , he also called her told her not to message or call her that was our first big fight I lost it for like 1 full week I fought with him ,screamed at him but stopped talking to him I became crazy I loved him so much but he cheated me it was not physically but he did ( I believe hiding some thing from spouse and talking to other person is cheating) .but later on he convinced me ( I did not believe him or still don't ) but I love him so much I kind of excused him .

    Then we moved to India for good .we left our house to myDH masi to take care and moved .my parents gave us a flat to live as gift which helped us a lot to settle down in new place quick .he joined a good company with good position and with in a yr we also started new business ,he was working for his company and I was taking care of ours.we had a understanding that I'll take care of our company till it needs his full time and until then he will take care of two. Every thing was going on ok then one day I was searching for our USA house on line and boom I saw it on foreclose list I called my DH and he was confused too and he said he will look in to it and immediately next day house was out of the foreclosure list .he told me payment did not go from bank on time so that happened I believed him.then after couple of month I searched again and it was on market for sale and that too with few basic renovation done I got Sooo mad at my DH that he did not tell me that big thing again silent no answer for 1 week I was like crying and waiting for him to tell me why he did not tell me that ( he tells me every small thing like he got upset stomach and ask me every thing like "that item is not here should I go there ") but no answer after very big argument ,shouting, crying ,pleasing he told me that he thought he will tell me once the house is sold and why to tell me and me asking him what happened all the time .I did not believe him I thought house is gone because of not paying and that's why he did not tell me ,but no he stuck to his words he told me that house is given to bank and they will sell it take the agent fee and renovation fee and give us the remaining amount . It has been like almost 11/2 that the house was sold and closed but still did not get any money when I ask him about that he gets mad at me and says we will get it why do you ask all the time ,but he does not have their number or they don't have ours when I ask him he says I'll I'll all the time don't know why he does not care about the house which he worked so hard .im fine even if it's gone i told him that too but I just want to know what happened but even today he says we will get that house money .

    Mean while we saw a flat here in India and planned to buy it but those people wanted some amount cash so my husband convinced me saying that we will take loan on this flat(parents gift) and give it as cash I was ok with it because my parents also told its ok then went and took some loan on this house and mean while some thing went wrong did not get that flat so he put that amount in bank and told me will keep it for short time till we buy another flat and we did not like any thing and all that USA house episode happened and I completely lost trust in him so told to transfer that loan amount to my account he did and showed me the bank papers .now it has been 2yr i had been telling him to pay of that loan and I don't want to loose my dads gift he is like I'll I'll and few months back I got a post and it read that the house is going for auction and again another shock I called him and he told me it's misunderstanding and he had been paying interest regularly and don't know what he did .i every day tell him to pay that off he is like I'll I'll and I also came to know that it's not just my account its joint .when I ask him he gets real frustrated he doesn't like to talk about that topic only thing he says is I'll .recently he told some tax story but still want him to pay this house loan.
    And yesterday I got another post and it read that he had taken a loan and he did not pay interest and need to pay immediately now .we don't have any financial needs or real loans don't know why or what he is doing with the money .I'm Soo done with him I really don't want to ask him any thing because it's very very tough to get any thing out of him and don't want to here any stories or want to be convinced .
    I love him so much and am very protective about him and he loves me too and very very protective about me he never yelled at me or physically hurt me .all my family members loves him and respect him and he does too.
    I completely lost trust on him but blindly does not want to accept that or want to loose him but am Soo depressed,Situations are Soo confusing am not understanding what to do??
    It's not about money it's about trust .can we live just with love and with out trust .
    You guys my be thinking that "he does not have to tell me everything "ya if it was like that from beginning may be I would have been fine with that but even now he asks me every small thing but hiding big things which is making be go crazy .
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2017
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    People who love their families do not stab them like this. What kind of a person puts his own family in such financial insecurity.

    Fault lies with you too.Who lets life go on without getting answers to such mysteries.

    What is his problem?
    Gambling?
    Addiction?
    Another family?
     
  3. Prvz

    Prvz New IL'ite

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    :( very sad to hear your story.. I think you should look for counselling where both of uou can sit and discuss this with marriage counsellor.. I hope things improve for you.. Please don't be scared and feel helpless in this male dominated world.. I am shocked how he is taking his own decisions.. Does he have another family?? Who he is sending money to? I know he loves you and so do you but this has to end somewhere..
     
  4. Private2all

    Private2all New IL'ite

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    Thank u ladies for responding.
    No he does not have another family im sure about that because he spends all his non working time with us.since the phone issue he tellme about any women friend he talks to or chat with.i just here it and take it easy or joke about it because i dont want him to feel that im douting him.

    Actually im also thinking about counciling but am sure he will not talk there too.
    Dear yellowmango i am going crazy because im not getting answers from him.i tried in every way possible but no.what else can i do.?
     
  5. Private2all

    Private2all New IL'ite

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    And also he has no other addictions
     
  6. madras2018

    madras2018 Finest Post Winner

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    This one issue is as good as an addiction. And one addiction is more than sufficient to ruin one's life.

    Your defense of him makes me think you dont want to see the truth. You are in denial. You wld rather believe that he is not doing anything wrong and that there are outside forces such as fate that has caused this.

    If you dont have the guts to ask him uncomfortable questions and persist till you get answers, then you have to live in acceptance of whatever is happening/ will play out in the future.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2017
    beautifullife30, SunPa, SGBV and 2 others like this.
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Lying , Cheating and jeopardizing financial security is all the factors needed to take control of marriage or leave. Your husband is caring to his convenience. He is hiding major decisions he has taken behind your back. That's not love, that's taking you for granted and cheating. That shows disrespect towards your spouse. Your parents gave you a flat for your comfort. They agreed to your husband taking loan on it that's a major trust factor. He went on and defaulted on loan is a major major blunder. By doing this he is jeopardizing this flat which he got for free.

    I am sorry , I have never heard of any bank returning money after 1 1/2 yrs on sale of house. I have never heard somebody hand over the house to the bank for selling here in US. If bank is doing it , that means your husband has foreclosed on the house. You can rule out the fact that you will get any money from that avenue.

    Please stop with you love your husband and he loves you. People in love don't do stealthy things and spoil things for family.You are hiding behind the fact that oh you love your husband and he loves you. You need to take control and shake him out of all this mess. First pay back the loan he took on the flat your parents gave. Next cut him off from doing anything with the financials of the flat like taking loans or even selling.This episode shud teach you a lesson. Next tell your husband you will take over the finances of the house or you will separate for a little while until he comes to senses. I know tough times call for tough measures. Call up the maasi in US and ask her what happened with the house.Otherwise the auction details will have auction company details. Call and ask what happened to the property.

    What do you mean you left home in US and came. Did you rent it out or pay off the loan? If not of course it will get foreclosed.

    Your husband has a problem you have no idea about. You need to look into his credit card statements . Is he gambling, having an affair. Pardon me no lady who is a colleague will message gn and such sweet nothings. That reeks of affair and that incident may have been an onset of husband hiding things from you.You need to take charge before your husband does real damage and leaves you and kids homeless cooking stories. Good Luck.
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Silver IL'ite

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    OP, Sorry to say that your dh don't love you the way you think he is. If he is sincere, he will not hide so many things including major financial decisions from you.

    Be realistic and practical. Be strong and bold. He is hiding some thing from you. Where all these money is flowing.. stop playing as a loving wife and show him very clearly that you are not going to take this anymore.
    Pl Don't repeat the mistake of giving him the power to handle your money again.
    He knows very well that you will keep on supporting him again,again and he is using that to his favour.

    If you can't take tough stand now, you will be a looser again. So wake up and stop being nice until you get the correct answer to all your problems now.
    I am sorry, OP, you are also responsible for this situation, because you believed him with your usa house issues. You could have called your aunty or realtor or bank to find out exactly what happened.
    Please don't blindly belive your Dh again..
    Hugs to you. It is really difficult to digest these kind of behavior from the people we love..
    good luck..
     
  9. songbird46

    songbird46 Gold IL'ite

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    Put your kids, and their future, first now. Put aside your love for him for the moment. If it is a strong love you can work on it. Be practical. Sort out your financial matters very quickly. Confide in your parents.

    Don't shout, scream, cry, ignore. Leave the emotional drama. It's time for dry-eyed hard-nosed practicality. Get to know all financial matters & take control. Listen to other posters here. He is cheating you, don't trust him with the future of your family.

    Let me tell you this: he will still be in your life, even if things change and you change.

    Think of your innocent kids and be smart, be tough, be careful.

    All the best, dear OP. Hugs.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't think that you or your H are indeed in love with each other. In fact, you both hide all these problems by living in denial, and make it up by calling it as love.

    OP, you seem to be too vulnerable and unable to accept the fact that your H is cheating on you. Not necessarily having an EMA, but cheating. It can be anything, but breaking the trust which is fundamental for a marriage.

    Some people chose to live in denial by thinking the issue is non-existent. Because they know that their minds are not ready to accept the truth. It is their coping mechanism.

    In decent marriage, a spouse should be very open to the other. Not necessarily to share the day to day stuff or notify spouse about the minor stuff whether to eat this or wear this kind of... But it is important to share the major decisions, and consult the spouse before making doing any such matters.

    Keeping the spouse in dark and rejecting her constant nagging about it is clearly an evident that your spouse is doing something behind your back, and cheating.

    You can give him an ultimatum by asking clear info, else to leave him. You can refuse to be his wife until he shares the truth with you. You can involve both sets of families to discuss this prolonged issue.
    You can tell your H about all this and see whether he opens up.

    But asking him a couple of times, and then patches up as if nothing happened to enjoy life and then again re-visiting the topic at your comfort won't help.
    Because it is clear that you do not want to hear the truth; thus prefer to live in denial.
    Your H clearly understands this, and makes it up by giving promises.
    If it is the only thing that you can handle, then be prepared to live with this in the future also.
    Because challenging him for the truth might seriously harm your marriage towards separation... beware.
     
    Meghaa, Bestmom and NeetaR like this.

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