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He Applied For Divorce

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gok, Nov 16, 2016.

  1. gok

    gok Silver IL'ite

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    i knew this would happen when I started child support against him.
    He initiated divorce now, I expected this.
    But I am worried. What should I do now
    Should I cry? Or
    Should I be happy that I abuse got rid of me?
    Should I feel ashamed?
    Should I feel unlucky for 2 failed marriages?

    This was all expected and he has been doing ground work with attorneys for more than a month. He has all bad habits from drinking to visiting pro___. He was not with me for more than a year or I should say it has been more than a year since he kicked me out. Why am I crying now....
    May be I am mad.. I should go to hell for feeling bad for a man like him.. Where will I go...I am in hell right now... For last 7 years... Life is crazy... I am angry at my first H... Why did he not abuse me and was so good with me, if he did abuse me , wouldn't I have been more alert to choose my second H when he my first H died.
    I am angry at God.. I was behind Baba since my school days till now ... I feel He betrayed me.. When I chose the wrong guy in an arranged second marriage, shouldn't he have slapped me and said he is not good. He let me suffer.. How can he see me crying and worried? Am I not his daughter.. Is that His duty to save me... How would I take care of my two little ones from this evil world. How will I teach them to find crooked people when I cannot....
     
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  2. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs gok.
    I do not know how to console you, trying times for you. But I sincerely believe things will change for the better.

    Should I cry?
    If that makes you feel better, cry . Wash away your hurt and pain with your tears.
    Should I be happy that I abuse got rid of me?
    Yes. Not in a celebration kind of happy , but more of a relief , as an end of bad times - happy
    Should I feel ashamed?
    No. A resounding No.
    Should I feel unlucky for 2 failed marriages?
    No. Look at it this y - Your quota of bad luck is over, now only good luck will come your way.

    Your husband has hurt you so much, best you remove him from your life. then you will be able to heal and move on.
     
  3. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear gok,
    your post brought tears to my eyes. I have not read your earlier posts . I am sure in this one year of separation, u have realised your husband does not care for you or your kids. It is time now to look ahead. Get hold of a good advocate who would guide you to get the most out of this for yourself and your children.
    Life does seem so unfair at times like this, but do not lose faith. This could well be a closure of all your troubles and a new beginning/ My prayers are with you for a peaceful solution to allyour issues. Take care dear.
     
    satchitananda and gok like this.
  4. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you dear Gok.Don't lose your faith in God.This may be a turning point to bring Happiness in your life.Think of your children and make yourself calm.May God bless you
     
    satchitananda and gok like this.
  5. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    I have been reading several of your posts and resisted responding to them. I hope you remember that I had once advised you to see a professional therapist to deal with your grief and anger at your divorce. I get the feeling from your posts that you have not followed through on that. I had not responded to your later threads with a twisted hope that a lack of response here will motivate you to see a proper therapist. Anyway, this post compelled me to respond as I see it as a cry for help. I had the following thoughts to share with you

    1. Everything you're feeling is natural
    I want to tell you in regards to this post and your previous ones where you felt guilty for seeking child and spousal support - that every single thing you experience is natural and part of the process. You will feel like the aggressor at times, sometimes the victim, sometimes the greedy one, sometimes the helpless one, someones glad that you got rid of him, sometimes tearful thinking about the good times. Divorce isn't for the faint hearted for sure. Often the people outside the situation can see things more clearly than the woman herself. In your case, based on everything that you have written about your married life, I can assure you that divorce is the right decision for you. In the short and long-term it is the right decision.

    2. First of all - you did not have 2 failed marriages. You had 1 successful marriage which ended upon the death of your spouse (unfortunate) & 1 failed marriage, rather a failed relationship. People in western cultures often have a few relationships not always culminating in marriage. Break-ups are a part of life. In Indian culture it is much more dramatic as it has been ingrained in us that divorce for a woman is the worst thing ever. Like death. But look past the legal document and look at it as just a relationship that did not work out. Look at the world around you - look at the female TV newscaster, at the coffee shop barista, at a female movie star, or at Hillary Clinton. Virtually every single one of them has endured a minimum of 1 - 2 breakups. Some even a divorce, and even went on to find another guy. If they can recover, so can you !

    3. You should be thankful that you got a chance to experience at least one functional relationship in your life. There are some women in this world who have never known a happy relationship for any length of time. To go through an entire life but not experience that is sad. But you have had the good fortune of loving someone and being loved - at least once! And lucky you - you will have another chance again. So be thankful for your 1st husband and marriage, even though he passed away too soon.

    4. Cry as much as you would like. But set a deadline for grieving. Then tell yourself after XX date, I will not cry for this relationship anymore.
    Nothing to be ashamed here. Infact I commend you for taking a chance in life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You lost your husband. You had a child. Yet inspite of the challenges, you forged ahead hoping to re-establish your life with a new partner. You took a chance, but it didn't work out. You should only be thinking - NEXT ! An Indian lady friend of mine was also twice divorced. She too thought she was doomed. But it appears third times's a charm and she is now married !

    5. Practice Attitude of gratitude -I want you to be immensely thankful for what you have - 2 lovely, healthy children. Do you realize how lucky you are ? I'm yet to meet the father of my children and hence feel envious that you've at least met your reproductive goals which is such a basic human need. Secondly, your kids are mentally and physically ok. No special needs (or so it appears). Do you know the life-time of worry parents of special needs go through ? There are several women on IL in perfect marriages but who live with worry about the future of their special needs child. I don't care how bad your life is - I would suggest that you send a prayer of thanks to the universe for blessing you and your kids with good health.

    Next, be thankful that you have a job and income to support yourself. Think about the millions of poor women even in the U.S (where I assume you live) who work as housemaids to support their families after their husband left them.

    Whether you live in India or abroad, be glad that you are a citizen of a free country that does not subject you to medieval practices.
    Imagine yourself as a divorced woman in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia where women are not allowed to go anywhere or do anything without the permission of a male relative - even seeking the permission of her minor male child if there is no man in the house. Surely you are not that helpless right ?

    In summary - you have everything you need right here to succeed. Education, skills, good health, children, freedom and some spare cash. Your best bet at fixing or improving your life is to use what you've got to get what you want. Use your spare cash to pay for a therapist and get over your divorce. Use your good health to be able-bodied and enjoy playing with your kids. Use your youth & freedom to attract a new mate (in due course). Use your education to advance your career & make yourself comfortable in life .

    What more do you need ?
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2016
  6. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    I read all your threads. I know what you have been through. Am very glad you are now going to be legally out of the abuse. I know it's hard on you. But you are winning dear.

    Be happy that you got rid of him. Be proud that your kids will learn that -though their mom had to go through so much stress and pain while raising them, she did not give in to the institution of marriage filled with abuse.
    They will be proud of you that you went through so much and still stood bold and strong.
    It's not easy dear, but it's not impossible.
    When a potter makes a pot and it doesn't shape up to look like a masterpiece, he'd break it and make it mud again and give it another shape adjusting the consistency of the mud. Does it make the potter a bad person? No. It's his business and thats what he must do. Unless he does it, there's no masterpiece. If the mud complaints, it would remain just any clay pot. Ifbit endures and trusts the potter it will a very expensive vase.
    When parents take a baby for vaccination, parents know that the baby would cry. Still they take the baby for regular vaccinations because it's good for the child and keeps the baby safe from diseases. Does it make parents bad? No. As parents we do a lot that make kids unhappy but it's necessary to do some things for their good now and in future.
    Likewise is God. He did not destroy your life dear. He's only making you stronger and preparing you for good times ahead.

    Stay strong. This will be enough for your kids to learn how to face life. For your moral support we are all here.
     
  7. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    It normal to feel like that.Seek support of your parents and lose friends.Only time can heal such a wounds.
     
    gok likes this.
  8. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    gok,

    Cry and let your feelings out as much as possible. Just keep reminding yourself - you are ok, you are fine. Everything will get better. Focus on one thing at a time now.

    You have nothing to be ashamed of. Do not think for even a second that you are unlucky. Keep your chin up.

    Talk to your dad. He might say something as always to make you feel at ease.:thumbsup:

    Take care.
     
    gok likes this.
  9. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Dearest gok,

    What a lot you have been through! Hugs to you darling. You are grieving for the end of hope you had for the relationship which you entered into in good faith. Your trust was used and abused by a cad. Under the circumstances, you must grieve. that will help you emerge stronger. it doesn't reflect badly upon you. on the contrary, it shows how human you are.

    You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Remember this if anyone makes uncharitable comments - they haven't been even through 1% of what you've been through; you've come out of an controlling abusive relationship which most people can't even begin to comprehend.

    You will eventually be able to see through this fog and realise how good it is to have gotten rid of bad rubbish. If you can you must report his cruelty. there are national domestic violence helplines which can help you rebuild yourself.

    I would strongly recommend some therapy to help get some perspective and figure out how you can live your life happily after having been through such a torturous relationship.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you are nd your kids at this time. Stay strong. and remember we are here for you. xx
     
    gok likes this.
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My dear @gok

    It is all normal to feel betrayed and left alone at this moment. Your anger on your first husband and the God is also natural. This is time for grief, and it is absolutely normal. So, if you feel like crying or breaking out... just go ahead. Cry, and speak your heart out with someone who understands you. You can vent here alternatively too.

    However, remember one thing.
    This is in fact a time for you to proclaim your first victory after a long stressful bad days. Yes, finally you are out of a bad , abusive marriage. It is legal, that he can no longer abuse you. You and your kids are free birds, and you can start a new life from the scratch.
    Think positively.

    It is better to stay divorced or even lead a lonely life rather than suffering in an abusive marriage. Your second husband has done nothing but abusing you by every possible way. This divorce is an escape, and some spirit has saved you from this. Perhaps your first husband or God from above did a favor at least now.

    You said that you were naive and your ex husband was the reason to keep you all happy all the time. Thus you did not know how to identify bad people.
    Now you must thank your second husband for teaching you all these lessons, which are very important for you as well for your young daughters in the future.
    If not, you and your daughters will never have this kind of exposure, which is equally dangerous.

    First time when you became a widow, you were so innocent; thus you needed a partner to live the remaining years of your life.
    This time, you are not so naive. You are strong and very bold that you have come out of an abusive marriage.
    I don't think you really need a partner the next time. So, don't rush for it now. Even if your family urges this, keep your calm.

    If possible, bring your mom for support.
    Relax, and re-start your life again.
    Good luck
     
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