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Having Hard Time With Family And New One...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Senior IL'ite

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    Following suggestions are not what I suggest to everybody - just specific to your family dynamics - giving someone a taste of their own medicine.

    Don't order food from outside when his friends come over. Don't cook either. Both are not your job. Go to sleep.. or read a book.. just don't be in the kitchen or living room ... and when he asks what's there to eat, tell him 'I don't know... maybe you can order something... <you can even tell you feel like eating XXX>' He'll order food for a while, but later when he runs out of money, he'll reduce it. or start cooking. Don't offer to pay for it... Now if he asks you to pay for it, say you don't have the money <spend it, save it, move it, whatever>... If he cooks, don't help - come eat and say 'it's very tasty' and go back to what you were doing! No complaints whatsoever about food or messy kitchen - don't ask him to clean but don't clean either - by next day if kitchen is still messy, extra brownie points to you, if you ask him to call the cleaners.

    You know him by now - he's not going to do it. Hire a cleaner - not after baby is born, but right now... Even I used to think my house is not cleaner-ready! This is not a real problem, cleaners have seen worse houses.. it's just a mental problem. let it go... just tell your husband, you wont ask him to clean anymore as he will be paying for the cleaner so he doesn't have to worry about cleaning anymore. Buy the baskets or dressers or both and let the cleaner deal with it.

    If he does grocery, ask him to pick up food on the way back. Ask him to take money from ATM.. (to pay the cleaner, of course!).. Put the older one in evening or weekend classes if your husband does take the kid to classes. That way she's not just watching TV. You can also hire mom's helper - someone to come in and play with your older one.

    If he says you are not doing anything (not cooking or cleaning or whatever)... just say 'kya karen yaar, time hi nahin milta, very tired after sleepless nights! and change topic. And if he's watching a movie, tell him once this movie is done, your turn next and you want to watch so and so movie...

    When you have your second one and ppl send food over, eat, go back to taking rest. Let him clean, cook whatever.. not your problem. come, eat, say 'it's tasty' every time he cooks and go back... You get the drill. :)

    After the baby is born, don't do any housework - just take care of baby, eat, sleep, play with older kid, eat, sleep <rinse lather repeat>. Adults in the house can take care of themselves... They will learn to do it only if you stop doing it. Don't argue, don't fight, don't ask... just do your own thing.

    I did a lot of cooking after baby 1 was born - was always tired, cranky, postpartum depression etc.. With the second baby, I consciously didn't do much after she was born... it helped everybody that I recovered faster and without postpartum depression.
     
  2. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    thanks girls.From diwali onwards, every weekend there were people for 1 reason or another and i was so exhausted cleaning house and cooking. Then i wanted to relax on thanksgiving and again. So we had fight one day. Also he had take 1 full week just to watch movies last month. So I was so irritated ...that I told him i do not want people all the time and just limited time.
    Its one particulat friend, he is v close like family but he comes, fully rested, comes eats and goes, is you ask him he definitely helps but i still feel pressure of cooking feeding serving him .
    So we had fight and i told i will not keep working unless I get support... stopped cooking for 1-2 days, we ate outside continously and he had to spend a lot and worry about for my older one so after that he realized and he is doing his bit. He does tell me sometimes you do not cook or do things but hey.. I cook breakfast( 70% of times and packing for kid) and most of dinner. then what is remaining.
    I warm food from fridge put on table, put dishes back and in dishwasher for him to run it. Those small things do not count.. I fold laundy 100% of times.
    Anyways, he has improved after that. Also he hears about he pregnant niece in India whose husband does 100% of house hold work, she does not enter kitchen at all, it probably worked on him.
    I do not know how long it will stay may be 1-2 more weeks once again normal work schedule kicks back in, he will again become like this. Wanting to sit on his a... on weekends with friend and older one watching tv for continous hours.
     
    Laks09 likes this.
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is crazy. I can understand a few bachelors doing this. Even couple with no kids to an extent. I cannot understand how a family man can have a friend come and spend the day at home, even if he pitches in. On a regular day, we have laundry, putting toys away, teaching kids, playing with them, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes etc. A friend, however close is just difficult to manage. I don't mind my mess but if one of my friends drops in, I feel the pressure to clean the kitchen up a bit and make something for her and entertain for a while. I can't do that on a sustained basis. Don't feel like you are unreasonable, it's a reasonable request. Don't expect him to change overnight. Pregnant or not, it isn't ok to have someone over ALL the time.

    You shouldn't strain yourself by fighting and arguing. Just be laid back and go about your day. Just don't get pressured to overdo it. Since he already got the message that buying food isn't sustainable it's not going to happen often.

    Go lie down and ask him to do the warming and serving. You can do the winding up. Warming and serving to a friend isn't optional so he will be forced to do it if you are unavailable.

    Keep separate hampers for each person. Do yours and DD's. Let him do his laundry. If he doesn't he can deal with the repercussions of not having clothes. I did this with my DD to get her to be responsible. I can see the heap there but I won't do it. When she runs out of clothes, I can see her rushing to do it just so she has clothes to wear the next day. I also never fold her laundry. It'll sit there in a heap and she digs into it to get clothes. When she runs out of patience, I can see her putting her laundry away. I think this is the only thing that will work for your DH.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    thing is my H does not care ... house is dirty fine with him. His friend is over.. he gets happy and he gets to watch TV freely for continous 10 hours for match without disturbance from me and DD sits with him. For food, they get outside, he is okay serving him up or even cooking/warming for him. but they won't put dishes away ..and keep on watching and drinking. Later he leaves at 10/11 of night, H gets tired and starts getting frustated with dishes and kid to sleep ( as she expects him to still take care of her as he did when TV was on) and then starts shouting. Well thats going to happen right/ You are tired for whole day activties then drinks are crashing you now, then match and 1-2 movies. you are not young and patient anymore.
    Then he on and off tells me I am lazy and i do not want to do things. .. Come on, even with my sore body I do office work till midnight for and on weekends and some urgent stuff comes up etc.
    Then if he does not want to give up on his stuff, why should i do so I stopped teaching or pressurizing my kid to color/draw etc., and i do my things in my room. Every couple nights, late night, I am in my room folding laundry for everything...I mop floors everyday and almost cook breakfast everyday and then sometimes dinner. I mostly empty the dishwasher, put all the dishes in diswas, he just has to push the buttons with leftover dishes in dishwasher. What is lazy in that? Lazy is that when I was round the clock on my toes, now I am not. sometimes I go silent in my room and disappear... may be folding or lying down, which i need to reset myself as I already have back issues for long sitting and doing crafts work.
    Couple days ago, I screamed in front of that guy so he realized that he has to come less now.

    About luandry he won't care. He will keep wearing same clothes for years and he has millions of clothes. He will shamelessly buy new one, if socks are not found or in laundry.
    He has improved in last couple days..and i hope it stays same.
     
  5. beautyfull

    beautyfull New IL'ite

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    The best you can do is hire help if he is not willing to help. That should solve some of the household chore problem. But I suggest that you pay attention to you DD. Please don't put her in the middle of everything. She needs a loving parents and home to grow. Keep your fights aside and take care of her needs. Watching too much TV is not good for her. Hope things improve for you soon.
     
  6. agdimple333

    agdimple333 Junior IL'ite

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    Sometimes we think that while doing 100 of house chores our husband would think about us and offer help but not men are like that (except my fil ☺️).
    I would agree with previous suggestions given by so many women - hire someone and especially infront of your husband do only what makes sense to you, i feel like else they take wives for granted thinking that they can do that themselves without any problem or infact they enjoy this.
    Also give him some freedom such as going out with friends etc but make sure you also do that . I think spendingthose extra money for these goes a long way in marriage.
     
  7. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    1-2 days I won't cook but I do 100 other tasks like laundary or sweeping the floors and now holding my back and lets say we ate out one day, then we had left overs etc so we did not need to cook then he cooks 2rd or 3 rd day he starts telling everyone..its been ages she cooking. Its been ages I put my daughter to bed, or ages I dropped or picked her..I did this or that.
    wells its been many ages he cleaned bathrooms or vacuumed or laundary or folded laundary or even given me a present or even touched me or hugged me . I ask him to massage me feet or back sometimes ..no.
    Forget about eating together. He cooks even then he keeps watching TV/tab/phone. I have started hating the netflix additction. We know its there always..never going anywhere still there is race to catch this episode or that.
    In toilet, dinning table ( he hides from daughter behing vase or something and keeps watching with headset)...what is that.
    In bed, if she is bed, he again hides.. and waches.
    I am waiting for some awakening to happen for him.

    His friends, he call them, they see their convenience, if they are going to gym or health diet or work on weekends, they won't join but if they call to ask, he will run like apes and no matter I tell him what, he does not care. Similarly if they finish their work and want to come, he will say yes yes.. does not care , his family or toddler or pregnant wife needs help than sitting chatting and drinking with friend.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    This was on Nov 25:
    This is on Jan 20:
    Did you get any hired help for cleaning, laundry or cooking lady come to house weekly? Those were the crux of the suggestions.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2019
  9. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    not yet...
    I have been so busy with work and doc visits and phone calls and my kids school stuff... not able to do anything about it. :-(
    Can not believe its us with low patience these days or every parent is like that.. in todays age or our parents had same stress levels. I am not able to keep up with everything..my TODO list is so big and keeps piling and all those are personal and important TODOs, not even house chores..
     
  10. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Senior IL'ite

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    You ask for suggestions, people take the time read and post suggestions to help you but then you haven’t done anything with suggestions given other than more and more complaining and seems to be waiting for his awakening!

    You might be living in wishful thinking stage but the truth is NOTHING is going to change until you change your attitude to move from venting mode to action mode (yes, I accept this is my situation, so what am I going to do next to fix my situation) and actively do something about it.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019

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