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Having Hard Time With Family And New One...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am half way with my 2nd one and always tired and back aches etc. Now we have overactive toddler and inconsiderate H whose priorities are somewhre else.
    After first kid, only time we were intimate was to have 2nd one after 5 yrs that too i kind of pressurized as there was no more window left for me and i was surprised i conceived quickly. Now I have all sort of smell issues and same fatigue stress etc and new job stress.
    Even in normal days, I am smell or chemicals sensitive and whenever clean bathrooms with clorex, etc normally fall sick because of fumes. Now my parents came to help me but obviously house got more dirty. I am cleaning cleaning and gagging on smells but he does not have any mercy. I tell him to help in cleanup in certain things but no he won't and said straight 'no' in froont of parents to calm his ego or whatever.
    I am cleaning bathrooms, shower tubs toilets and bending showering her. I have no cooking work as parents taking care of it but more cleaning dishes in washer or sweeping even though they are also doing. Not much help from him.

    Now parents left, he said he will take care of everything but no... after 2-3 days he got fed up. No, he is not doing everything. I am cooking bkfast/lunches for us, he is picking/dropping and may be dinner curries. Rest of work, cleaning, laundry, sweeping/mopping, rugs cleaning, floors/bathrooms again etc I am doing. I am cleaning bathroom every week w/ any help from him.

    then my smells issues got better as i advanced in pregnancy also less cooking and less smells in house, we got very busy with work and kid and festivals but he is been inviting people home every weekend, even weekdays, just like that and when i question, he volunteers, i will cook. .... even though I also help but you know pre-clean/post cleaning, side dishes, chapati/rice cooking, etc does not count. With all this we are getting tired, lose taking care of our kid, lose our calm we fight but he does not stop inviting.

    Then it was our anniv recently, I was already frustated that he did not even care to give me flower etc, last year also I gave him gift ( atleast I did it to show some consideration or celeb), I was travelling that day so max i could was gave him gift, and damage he did, he went to movies with friends on our anniv. Honestly i do not like him or love him a lot and i know i am having his baby but he is not the ideal man i wanted or always dreamed of.

    Now how he behaves every year, he feels pressurized whenever my bday or anniv comes and it shows on his face. but when it is his friends or someone else he is so excited. so many times i want to run away from home and stay at motel for the night. He keeps his priorities straight, movie for full week, game on this day and movies with friends at night, rest all of us should re-arrange according to that.
    It is not that he does not work around the house, but he does not priortize things or give them importance as they should be. like family or home should come first, specially in this case, when we have second one on the way and i am not in perfact shape and body. Not in many years, he said kind words to me, when i feel so tired or fat or ugly.
    Only bad words he would say that i do not do enough.
    He will spend 50$ easily on my kids stupid toy that she wont' even demand but just like that will see in her school and will go various places to get parts. or her stupid hatchanimals inspite of me stopping him to bring tiny toys. But for me, rose or cake seems unneccessary to him and tells me you do not need that on your bday that, i do not think so. or we do not need cake on anniv i think. Will bring unneccesary loads and loads of candy to waste on halloween or lot of sweets to give away on diwali or crackers for others on diwali but 10$ for me on card is waste for him.

    Sometimes i feel so bad that i curse this baby in my tummy which is making my hormones go rage and make me feel unfit to gym away my stresses and helpless and ugly at home.
    First pregnancy, i was able to take rest and he sometimes used to rub my feet or back with oil and i ask him to do it sometimes now as feet swell but no. All he keeps complaining that i do not cook. Out of 7 days, 7 X 3 meals-= 21 meals, I
    cook 10 mostly. There are people who eat lunch outside everyday, atleasy you get to take lunch. There was time when i was at home and used to cook 3 meals for him and he used to dump in office so he could outside.
    I do not know what to do... am i expecting too much? are these all hormones? I see all those understanding or lovey dovey couples, I feel so bad about myself, the mess i got myself into.
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    I think first of all get help - hire cleaners weekly or biweekly and look for some one who can provide home cooked meals and make him pay. If that is not possible you pay yourself. You have a job and you earn money , use it for your convenience. If you are not getting any one to provide meals , try indian stores and get precooked chapatis and sown stores also sell premise dosa batters, idli batters and what not,just get those , make chutney and eat on the data you cannot cook. Try and see. If you can get sabzis too.


    I think you should stop working so much and get help .

    Get a part time nanny if you have to to take care of child needs .if spouse not helping and does not heed , replace him with help and bill him.

    Also since you know how he is, you need to stop expecting from him, it only gives you stress and nothing else.

    Ignore him completely , use his money to get all the help
    You want,don't worry about savings and all for the time being . Your health is more important at this point. Tell him point blank that you cannot cook and clean and either he can do it or pay for paid help. Jut like he says no , you say no.
     
  3. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP- I agree with @armummy . Unburden yourself by hiring help , atleast during this period . Put yourself and the baby first ,the rest will fall into place .
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey! Congratulations! In some of the posts I have understood that you would want a second baby and happy to see that happened (how, well..its a different story). I am not going to write up on mending the relationship as I have seen that its beyond my understanding. He is one tough nut to crack. I will leave it for others.

    Now lets breakdown things. The first thing is that you need some help. If he is not helping, the next best option would be to hire help. If that’s not feasible, then shifting towards a natural cleaning product line. There are a LOT of options these days. Of course they are slightly more expensive but so much gentler compared to the normal things that we get. This is a life style change. It is for the best, regardless of who is cleaning. Once you finish the existing product, don’t refill, buy a natural product. Even for yourself and your daughter, get the Castile Soap (liquid). I even make my own shampoo and moisturiser! Ditch those chemicals. There are kinder products out there.

    Unfortunately, its hard to control a party animal. Can you make a deal with him? Like he can invite people over 1 weekend a month? That way, you have enough notice on when to expect guests. Even that one weekend, order food out. Right now the priority is to keep your sanity. It only gets worse after the baby is born. So, you need to be prepared.

    Lastly, its time to switch to a new cooking technique. You should not be eating out so many times a month. You need a new cooking technique. Please forgive me, I don’t mean to troll but PM me. There is this facebook group founded by a chef in India. He teaches how to cook in a pressure cooker; unsupervised and its really fast. It’s a game changer. You can thank me later :)

    Reg the gifts, would it help if you tell him what you want? For example, you can tell, can you please bring cake on your way home? Or, I want to have some roses, please bring them on your way. see what happens.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    "He keeps his priorities straight,....
    Only bad words he would say that i do not do enough..."

    I request you to learn from your husband . Follow his footsteps. He knows how to prioritize and enjoys his life. Learn how to do it for you. I have been there, in almost similar situation. It was very difficult to mange a toddler, pregnancy, job, cooking, cleaning everything by oneself. So I ask you to make you the first priority in your life. Dont over do anything. Do whatever when you feel like doing it. Plan really well.On weekends you can prepare for week days and keep in refrigerator ( this includes batter, curries, dough whatever you think) or buy frozen food ready from Indian/other stores. On weekdays do minimum things. If he complains let him complain. But make sure you eat healthy and take care of yourself very well. I wonder how you cook three times a day if you work. Completely ignore his tantrums.

    "All he keeps complaining that i do not cook"-Tell him you can do better if he helps you in the kitchen. If you are not doing enough ask him show how to do enough. Ask him to set an example. Look like he is not able to understand how tired you are and not able to appreciate your efforts.

    Regarding birthday/anniversary -I think most men don't understand its value to most women. Why not gift yourself or enjoy birthday yourself. Do whatever you want to do on birthday and relax. Why you need a nagging husband to spoil that happiness.

    Learn to say NO. If he complains tell him this is what you can do in this situation. If he cannot understand it or if he thinks it not enough ask him to do it himself. You are not everyone's servant. Or completely ignore it as if you are deaf. As you are sensitive to cleaning materials, you can reduce the frequency of cleaning, switch to natural products like @Rakhii suggested or hire someone like @armummy suggested. But the most important person should be you. You only. Because you need to be healthy and happy for your kids.

    I always wonder why men have all the fun? Why they think they are the only person who work and gets tired by work. They expect that their working wife is energetic to cook /clean / take care of kids all the time after work. Can some one give more suggestion on how to handle these kinds of husbands. I always feel like being used and doing so much for the family than dh. Isnt it double standard. If husband is not ready to help much or you need to ask many times for help. What is the best option. Why women should do all these jobs. In Indian society women who question the system will be labelled bad. Everyone expect them to be super women.
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2018
    sindmani, SinghManisha and shravs3 like this.
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I think it has got to do with the way several generations of women were brought up. Knowingly or unknowingly, some of that rubbed it on us. You know, I had to work one saturday (something went wrong at work and the whole department had to show up to fix it before the next business day, Monday). He was home with the kids. I kept whining and whining an whining to no end saying how unfair it is. I mean, he helps out his team sooooo many times in a month. But one day in a year I had to work (ONE Saturday) and I felt guilty about it. Why? I dont know. These days, I have to consciously de-Indian-ise myself of the notion that a woman's role and her priority should be kids and kids alone. Of course, if it comes to that, kids always come first but, one should not feel guilty to leave them with their dad because my career is also important.

    We do all these jobs you ask......
    because if we dont do, there is no one else who would do it. What are our options anyway (assuming we have tried enough to get DH to help). Hire help if you can afford it or do it yourself.
    So, my workaround is, do it when I have time and energy. The least he can do it not nag about it.
    There are some life style changes that i have done which seem to help. Like, as soon as the dishwasher is clean, put the dishes away and leave it empty. As and when a new dirty dish comes up, give a quick rinse and leave it in dishwasher. I have also changed the technique of cooking. Now I barely spend 30 mins in kitchen for all 3 meals combined.
    Train the kids and DH to hang the coats in the closet, leave the shoes where they belong. Trust me, it was easier to train the kids (I gave them a toy when they did these chores 5 days in a week). Hubby...well, lets not go there.

    When you cant fight it or know its a losing battle, the wise choice would be to adapt.
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Rakhii for the tips. Yes. I do manage everything in a similar way by myself with minimal help from dh. But I always feel that its unfair. I don't know how to get rid of that thought. Any tips?

    I am also thinking about hiring help. What are the best options in USA? How can we believe them. I never hired anyone before. Any suggestions will be useful.

    OP, this is what I told to my dh when he complained about my home managing skills, even after doing everything to almost perfection. "If you think you can do a better job, do it yourself instead of complaining". I repeated the same whenever he starts it. It almost worked. He eventually stopped:)
     
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  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @DDream , it IS unfair. Dont find reasoning for this. It indeed is unfair. We do things anyway, knowing it is unfair. Apart from the Daimoku Chant that i advocate on, I always believed in Serenity Prayer.

    You dont have to use God...but whenever I feel lost, I think in the below lines (excluding God). More like a question to myself.

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.
     
    sindmani, shreepriya and DDream like this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear OP,

    As they say, marriage is a gamble. You sometimes get a wrong partner.
    But it doesn't mean, your life or marriage needs to end at it.

    First of all, try to see the problems, that cause you this much of stress. Don't always associate your stress with your indifferent husband.

    From your post, I have found out the below as your major problems for now

    1. Your smell allergy
    Seek medical attention. It may be a pregnancy related problem. But your doctor could guide you better, and relieve you from this issue
    2. Too much house-hold chore
    Pregnancy, with a toddler in hand itself a huge chore for a working woman. In addition, the regular household chore would be so tiring.
    a) Hire a maid/domestic helper for cooking and cleaning
    b) Order food from hygienic Indian homes/stores that deliver home cooked fresh food and send all the cloths for laundry
    Use your salary for these comforts depending on the services available in your place.
    3. Pamper yourself with gifts
    Go to a shop, get yourself whatever you would like to be gifted, and feel the happiness

    The above problems could be solved by yourself, instantly. Don't wait.

    There are other problems in your marriage too. You need some tactfulness to solve them slowly
    1. Your H's party habit
    Ask him to find some other friend's place and enjoy his party there as you are unable to clean and re-arrange the house at this stage of pregnancy.
    Instead of asking him to stop partying completely, I believe, giving him an option works.
    He can continue to spend the same, continue to enjoy the same. Just that the location changes.
    He may even go to a hotel, or common place instead of bringing people to your home.
    Make a firm decision, and deliver it with soft, yet firm tone when he is at good mood.

    2. Expecting him to gift you
    This is a disaster in a marriage. Not every couple is into this gifting habit. Definitely not us.
    I don't remember when was the last time my H gave me a red rose. Don't remember his last gift either.
    Before marriage, he did them a lot to impress me. I too gifted him a lot back then, and it was a learning process. Now a days, we don't believe in this gifting as a compulsory method to show love. Of course we gift a lot for our kids, as they expect a lot too.
    We express our love in so many other ways, and it is all a matter of understanding.
    For ex: I would take a day off, cook a special lunch, and bake a fabulous cake on his birthday. I would make sure my kids wish him as first thing in the morning. Also, I would remind his folks and mine to wish him.
    We would go to temple together, then to beach or sometimes to his parents' home on that day. But what's special is to be together and happy. Obviously, we would end that day with nice night time together too.
    For us, these efforts are very special than a rose or a gift.

    3. Be attractive to him.
    I do not mean to be physically attractive to your H. But with that, you still need to make your home happy, attractive and a pleasant place for him to spend more time at home
    Instead of nagging, looking sick/tired, and cribbing about him (gift, rose, birthday, lack of help, party stuff) be pleasant and keep the home clean/tidy. (of course with maid's help)
    Have happy conversations...
    Above all, stay happy, stay positive, stay courageous.... Your physical look will dramatically change with your internal changes.
    When you become happy, you will start attract more and more people towards you. And why not your H then?
     
  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    [QUOTE="SGBV, post: 4108372, member: 248979"
    3. Pamper yourself with gifts
    Go to a shop, get yourself whatever you would like to be gifted, and feel the happiness
    [/QUOTE]
    I second this. Little bit of retail therapy comes a long way.
     

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