Having constant heated arguments with my Husband

meenalochani · Jun 20, 2008

Dear Friends,

i am married one and a half years back , met my husband on shaadi.com. we chatted , liked and tied knot. Things were smooth until my delivery, he was listening to me in all possible ways although i had problems here and there. he is not the gelling material with my family unlike me. always have a tough time convincing him to take him to my family functions , but i without a say from him have to engage his family members so well .His mother is a Brahmin and father a Non veggie , everyone at home have converted themselves to veggie for the sake of her, and looks like they seem to have it outside including my husband. we cook only veg at home.Although i amnot a strong appetiter of Non veg dishes, putting a complete stop for it gives me lot of irritation.

Now here is my problem : His house is very far ( Avadi ) from the city and they have their own house. i never discussed anything about shifting before marriage thinking all that woul not be a problem. His brother ( younger ) brought his wife home after we were married. by the time we all could get to a understanding , i became pregnant and stressed on the fact that i cannot travel in train everyday my office in City ( it take more than a hour ) , he was not convinced and made me do it, i kept quiet, we met with a accident while i was 4 months carrying, but luckily we all survived, my husband became worried and later accepted to stay at my Mom's place. He very rarely visits my house to see me, my mom's house also had my Brother (older to me) and his wife ( i don't have my father). My brother is a happy go lucky guy so never knew the seriousness of how to trate a Son In Law, so took him for a ride. there were lots of fights and finally settled. My brother built a new house in the mean time and could not afford my deliver expenses which my husband took it up. he ( my brother) neither visited the hospital to see my baby after my delivery , he came after 5 days, my husband struggled and paid every penny that my brother was supposed to give.

Now the problem became intense: my husband lost respect for my family , refused to come to my house and asked me to backup within 20 days of my delivery. he used very nasty language that i cannot forget it still. i had to shuttle to and fro after every fight. i ahd very little milk to feed my baby but my MIL never used to give me the right diet, my husband never bothered to ask her but only asked me to adjust, we fought everyday, his mom never bothered to find out what we were going through, no one interferes in anybody problem and they all are on their own. my life worsned, i had a tough time until i put my son into weaning. fianly i had to report office after 5 months of maternity leave, before that many things happened, and things went even till divorce, his mom would pack her things on every fight and would never return home, this has been so habitual in their family. she returns after sometime( a day or two). i hate to live here. my husband is not convinced to comeout, even when i offered that he can bring his parents along.when his brother got a job in Bangalore , she immediately wanted to leave to settle with him inspite of the first new born in the family.Later when she reached there she was insulted badly by my sister in law and came back the very next day. they never agreed to stay with when we wanted them , but when his brother turned her down she came runnign to my husband crying and trying to hold him towards her. His father cried and requested that he wants my husband to stayback with him , now my husband completely stopped the idea of moving to city taking his parents side. i travel 2hrs30min to go to office and the same while coming too. i spend only 2 house with my son and had to leave early morning again.His mom never replies or talks properly ( thats another big story) if she is upset, i tried my best to convince and have now settled down to do pooja , hoping god would make some change........

Can anyone suggest me what can i do in this situation.

SoaringSpirit · Jun 21, 2008

Re: Haveing constant heated arguements with my Husband

Hi Meenalochani,

Welcome to our IL family.

I can see that you are going through a lot of mixed issues – husband and your side of the family not seeing eye-to-eye, not being able to eat meat at home, your mil not behaving well with you, your long commute which in turn means you get very little time to spend with your kid.

My first suggestion to you would be to prioritize your issues. Don't lump them together into one huge problem. Because really, they are all separate issues that must be tackled one at a time depending on their importance in your life. So first and foremost, list down all your issues in order of priority.

The priority of an issue can be decided based on the following few factors - how important is the issue to you, how much impact it has on your day-to-day- life as well as long term impact, can you work around the issue, can you settle for something in-between (totally not your way neither your in-laws way), is it a permanent issue or is it temporary. You can think of other such criterion for assigning the priority to your issues. The key it to prioritize all issues using the same criterion. Once you have this list of issues to be resolved along with the priority for each one, focus on just one issue at a time and try to resolve it first. Don’t crowd your mind with other issues. If you think two issues are inter-related then may be you could focus only on those two first and resolve them before you think about the other issues.

If you try to resolve any more than two issues at a time you will feel like you are going in circles.

So try to do this listing down of issues exercise first. Clear your mind, organize your thoughts, separate your issues, list them priority-wise and then you can start thinking about how to resolve each one.

If you need help once you are ready with your list, we all over here at IL can help you.

Good luck.
SS

roopadadia · Jun 21, 2008

Re: Haveing constant heated arguements with my Husband

Hi Meena,

I agree with SS, for a couple of minutes i too felt that i am going in circles...couldn't make out what is bothering you more.

Arguements is not a solution...it can worsen situations. So please as SS mentioned prioritise your problems and solve them one at a time.

Couple of things that i would like to mention is:

I personally feel that turning vegetarian will help you in the long run. Now people in the west too are turning vegetarians.

I am not sure how important your job is to you...otherwise you can take a break for some time and use that energy in raising your kid. Alternatively mon - fri you can stay with your mom who is closer to office and can take care of your kid and you can come home friday evening and go back monday morning.

Your brother is a happy go lucky person....but still that dosen't mean that you cross the limit with others.

Silence is the best medicine....but that dosen't mean that you take things lying down...many a times actions speak more than words. The more arguments that you get into the more respect you loose.

All apart, still list down your worries and then solve them one by one.

Take care.

orion80 · Jul 2, 2008

Re: Haveing constant heated arguements with my Husband

Dear Meena,

I feel that the long commute to your office is taking a toll on your energy and emotions. If you can avoid that, then you can use that energy to solve your other problems. If your brother has shifted to his own house now, then the best idea would be to stay with your mom during the weekdays with your son. This is only if your job is important to you. If you can afford to take a break, i strongly suggest you to go ahead and take the break.

One more advice is do not bother yourself too much about your MIL's behavior. If she doesnt speak to you or help you in your household work, let her be like that. You hire a maid to help you. Keep talking to her normally. Do not resist or complain about her to your husband, because that will only worsen the situation.

You said that she didnt give you enough food when you were feeding your baby. Why should you wait for her to give you something to eat? You have as much right in that house to prepare something for yourself and have it. You should take control of such small issues.

lifeisbeautiful · Jul 28, 2008

first of all, dont sympathise with your Dh tht he had to pay every penny - ya, he should have thought abt it when he knocked you up! I dont understand this mentality of indian men expecting wife's family to pay for the consequences of their actions !!! Explain to him when he's in a good mood tht ur brother is also young & did not know how to do things. Also, keep your cool with ILs esp MIL - dont let them provoke you into rudeness. They have no better way to keep thrie son with them & they resort to these tactics to make you both fight - divide & rule is their game. Play your cards skilfully & dont fall for it. I liked the advic eof hte other ladies, stay in city on weekdays & go home on weekends, at least till baby is bit older. But try to spend as much time with hubby as possible ot they will try to bring abt more rift. have courage & keep writing in - they goos ladies here r s great source of advice & help!