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Having An Affair And Want To Break The Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by KayaCholan, Feb 18, 2019.

  1. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    It's okay. Peace. I hope we agree to disagree.
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, If she is unhappy its better for her to leave this marriage. She dont have any kids to worry about. Why she waited this long ? It is better to stay single than being in an unhappy marriage.

    Do you know the exact reason why she was unhappy in this marriage. I have seen many post here on how women continue in asexual marriages for years with a spouse who provide everything and looks like perfect one to others. Some gain the courage after many years to leave, some of them continue like that due to emotional attachment. So we cannot judge from outside. Only she knows what is missing there. Marriage works if both works.

    But cheating her husband and having an EMA with a married man!, both totally unacceptable. Breaking another home for ones own happiness ! I wonder if that man is ready to divorce and go with her. If that wont happen, what she will do? Anyway, its her life and her decision.

    I am curious to know where did you find advice here to ' find life with some other partner and leave current spouse' . If someone do that its immoral and unethical. From what I have read so far, almost all of IL ladies are against EMA's or similar cheating. Most of the time the separation or divorce is suggested in case of abuse/adultry etc.

    If you read many post on unhappy marriage, financial independence and finding a job is suggested as a diversion or as a means to gain confidence or make one busy (lazy mind can become devil's work shop). Most of the time it is to help the marriage, if it wont they have the option to walk out. Many women continue in marriage even after gaining financial independence.

    "If a person is not happy in a marriage and want to leave...should leave/walk out immediately" That will be a great world to live in. An ideal situation, I agree. In that case, most of the Indian marriages, especially arranged marriages, end up in divorce for sure. If you read many posts here, women stay in unhappy marriages simply because they are dependent on spouse for everything , or they have kids, especially when there is no physical abuse. They adjust their level best to save the marriage for everyone else. They stay in a loveless or even sexless marriages for the family. Now a days women with financial independence walk out of marriage more than before . Many women still lack that courage. Mostly its the fear of unknown. Can we blame them for continuing in unhappy marriage ? No. They face more humiliation, suffering even after divorce, especially if they are living in a conservative society. Even if divorce happens because of the man, society have a tendency to blame the woman. Its changing now, that's a relief. In countries like USA, its easy, as no one care about others personal decisions.

    If you consider waiting for the right time to get out of the marriage is backstabbing, yes it is. I think it is equally betraying to treat spouse like a doormat, emotionally abuse or ill treat or support ill treatment by PILS just because they married you & stuck. What they do they get it back. I still remember a post here by a lady with three small kids, fully dependent on her dh (who had affair with another woman), started a cooking business, worked hard, finally come out of the relationship when she can fully take care of herself and kids by herself. She waited more than 6 years to get out. Can we blame her? What was immoral and unethical in this case was cheating by husband. She had no other option than being practical in this case. She didn't want to beg to others or continue in marriage with a cheating spouse. Can we blame her. She thought about her kids life than anything else. Sometimes even parents force women to stay in abusive marriages to save their reputation in society.

    I noticed that your are a male. I am just curious to know what a woman with kids in an unhappy marriage should do. What if she has done everything to save the marriage. If she is totally dependent on her husband and don't have a penny for herself, no one to support her, no where to go, what should she do. Leave the marriage immediately and end up in streets ? It will be like jumping from frying pan into the fire. So people try to be practical. you can call it unethical, living with someone and finding ways to exit ( not talking about EMA here), but truly its not. It is common sense. Can we blame them? NO. We should blame first the spouse who was not ready to work on the marriage, who ill treated her, made her life miserable.

    I think it is better to get out of one's marriage if leaving the marriage bring you more peace and happiness (so true in case of abuse/adultery/or any other serious reason). If being single is happier than being married, that the best option. If not, try to be practical,dont get emotional and take a hasty decision, but think about pluses and minus of staying and leaving, and then decide on the best option with a calm mind, but take your own time. If you stay, try your level best to make it work or find ways to be happy. If you leave, dont look back.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2019
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  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    So true !
     
  4. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

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    The line drawn to judge between what is moral, ethical and immoral, unethical depends on what and how we've learnt and experienced so far.
    I am not judging anyone on that and don't want to repeat my first reply to sarvantaryamini.
    Even murderers justify their murders. That doesn't mean that what they've done is correct. If they know the simple fact that, no one is supposed to take the living right of anyone (a living being), then, they would not have done that.
    The only way to retaliate an evil-doing spouse or any person is to live (and show) and become successful in all ways, in front of that person.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2019
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Oops no. I thought the last few posts were discussing generally staying on in a marriage while unhappy, no affair on the side.

    Timing a divorce or separation to gain financial independence, visa status, till kids are older, waiting even while not happy in the marriage, .. was what I had in mind. Of course, having an affair while married or hanging on to marriage to see if affair will lead to something deeper, is not fair or right.
     
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  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    I have just one question. Is it even practical in today's world to create hurdles for a person to leave? What hurdles? Unless it is some lawless society, a person can't be killed for leaving a relationship. What other hurdles are there?
    I quite don't get what you are saying. I am talking about living and becoming successful in front of the spouse when I say financial independence. I must clarify that I am not talking about spouse leaving once they are financially independent. If things get better once the financial status is better, then they can think of staying or renegotiating with the warring spouse. Is that not fair to a relationship? To rectify one's flaws, to gain a better position, is that wrong? If still the spouse makes life miserable, then the partner can think "I did my best and still there is no change" and leave (without EMA)? If an unhappy marriage is affecting not just the partner's sanity but the surrounding people's (kids, relatives) isn't it better to walk out? How can one thrive if the partner is hell bent on making the spouse' life miserable?
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't want to spoon-feed. An uncooperative or mean spouse or a "wronged" spouse can create many problems during the divorce process.
     
  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    And how do you expect these women to survive with no financial independence and roof over their heads ? You are going to judge a woman trapped in a bad marriage as being immoral because she is making an attempt to get out?

     
  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Having an extra-marital affair is by definition immoral and unethical, no? Once someone has taken that step, why bring morality into the timing of the next step?

    The cousin is merely seeking advice about how to best further her own individual interests. Morality flew out the window long ago.
    .
     
  10. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Facebook Vs Reality

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