1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Having a baby. Who really should decide?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anjalir, Oct 10, 2011.

  1. anjalir

    anjalir New IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello friends,

    I have a something in my mind that i need your help with. Lets just say, i am going through a sticky situation right now and i need your input to make my decision easier.

    My husband and i are now happily married for the past 3 years. We got married when i was 31 years and he was 34. So you can say, in a sense that it was a later marriage. Anyways, both of us had planned not to think about a baby for two years since we wanted to get to know each other and buy a new house of our own and then baby since its a huge responsibility. Our respective families of course wanted it happening sooner bcoz our age wasnt young and the older we got, the riskier the pregnancy or chances of being pregnant. In all fairness to us, both of us knew about all the risks and problems of planning for late pregnancy.

    About two and a half years into our marriage, we both sat down and thought about what we wanted to do about it. Both my husband and I didnt feel the need or wish to have a baby yet. Its a big responsibility and both of us werent sure that we could handle it at all. Its close to three years now and we still feel the same. Looking at other babies when we go out or seeing babies in ads and tv shows or movies doesnt make me want or desire to have one of my own. I love babies and can handle them very well but having one of my own is very different from taking care of another isnt it? I am not ready for all the pain and headache that comes with it. Plus, the culture in the US is very scary for me to bring up a child and that further puts me off from having one.

    My husband and I have become very close to one another over the past three years now and are very very happy with each other. We dont feel the need to have a baby to keep us happy. So in all likelihood we may never want to have a child. Ours is a single income family. I dont work and dont want to. I love my job as a homemaker and want to keep it that way.

    I have explained to my parents the reasons and thoughts in this regard and they have understood our point of view and have left the decision to us as much as it hurts them. Love my parents for that. Now the problem is my IN-laws (as always) especially my MIL. She is a very controlling woman. So far since we stay so far away from her, its been easy to handle her. But now she is going on and on about us having a baby and all that drama.

    Dont you think the decision to have a baby and when should be left to the couple who are supposed to have it? That parents cant force us to have one? Please friends, we plan to speak about this with my in-laws. Please give me suggestions as to how or what to tell them in the best way possible.

    Your suggestions would help immensely. Thank you in advance. Looking forward to hearing from you guys.
     
    1 person likes this.
    Loading...

  2. Visasri

    Visasri Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,103
    Likes Received:
    1,146
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Anjali,
    Many women (including me) long for babies. When you say you do not want to have that headache just relax and think will you need one in future. In case you wnat a baby after few yrs just bcoz of ur age u may not get it possibly. However when you do not want to handle the responsibility definitely do not get it done for ur inlaws. Only if u are a happy mom u can bring up ur kid as a responsible person. So it lies solely on the hands of u couple. Do not go for a baby coz of ur MIL. If u r interested then opt for it.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. SallyR

    SallyR Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    487
    Likes Received:
    156
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with Visari..whether or not to have kids is definitely up to you and your husband. It doesn't matter what others say. Think about all the pros and cons before you make up your mind about it because there is no going back if you miss your chance now.
     
    3 people like this.
  4. inlovewithmylyf

    inlovewithmylyf Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,407
    Likes Received:
    755
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Anjali,

    Ur MIL is old n now her only desire in life would be to see her grandkid(ur child), thts why she could be asking u for it again n again... If u feel u cant handle the responsibility of a child, tell her tht politely in a way thts she understands u... If u have decided not to have a child, then its just better tht u let her know about it in a polite manner so tht she does not keep expecting it... U cannot have a child for the sake of ur MIL, 'coz ur the one who is gonna take care of the child... N if ur not comfortable with tht, its gonna be difficult for everyone...

    There are so many childless couples waiting for some miracle to happen... I hope u have thought very very well before u came to the decision of not wanting to have a child... All of us are getting old everyday n then after a few years down the lane, one fine morning we wake up n feel we need a child to fill our lives, then I think it would be too late... Anyways, its urs n ur husbands decision... This is JMO... Do what u feel is best for both of u... Tc...
     
    2 people like this.
  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    750
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Dad and Mom of the baby decides!!!!
     
    3 people like this.
  6. chocyGal

    chocyGal Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    154
    Likes Received:
    102
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Anjali,
    I feel its couple's choice to have or not to have a child. If you and your husband have thought through all the pros and CONS of not having a child and you are happy with the way you are, don't make a decision for others. A decision should be made my choice and not by circumstance/compulsion. At the same time, I also understand your MIL's feeling of you having a child. You and your DH can have a talk with her and let her know about your decisions. This way, she will not be expecting a miracle to happen.Just in case, if you want a child later and it is too late for you to have a child , you can always adopt. JMO..
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. sweetyk

    sweetyk Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    396
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    As all others suggested,

    Take time and make a wise decision because after few years if u feel u r ready and u feel the need for a baby u may never get it. Time once gorn will never return back.

    Your mom in law is not wrong as she knows the fact that age will bring problems in conceiving. May be one fine day u may even feel she was right.

    Please let her know that she may not get a grand child and thats what u r planning so that she will stop expecting from u.

    How ever, its 100% ur and ur DH decision finally.

    take care,
    sweety
     
  8. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,460
    Likes Received:
    1,062
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    To be frank, when you get your own baby, you would start loving to take care of the baby.You will definitely feel like you got some treasure in your hands and would consider it as the apple of your eye.

    Believe me,it's a miracle of feelings that comes the way.You would be surprised about yourself.Now you may feel it as a huge responsibility.But it's not such a difficult job to take care of a baby .

    Further the decision is up to you and your husband.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    To have a baby or not is a very private matter between the couple. That said...well meaning parents /friends will often ask about it. My suggestion would be let ur DH talk to his side of relatives esp his parents and u talk to urs.Cross handling seldom works.
    It wont go in easily be prepared for some tough questions .
     
  10. Chandrika82

    Chandrika82 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    442
    Likes Received:
    105
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Its a decision to be taken by you and your husband. Thats it.
     
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page