Happy Relationship With Mil? Share The Little Tips/tricks/strategies

After more than 10 years of marriage, one thing I can tell you is that it takes time for relationships to grow, for initial wounds to heal, and for people to mature.

Remember that MIL is not your mother. The way she looks at you will not be the same way your mom looks at you. I used to feel bad about this in the beginning, but over time I realized that I do not need another mom. If you are getting enough love from your husband, kids, siblings and parents it should not matter too much to you.

Just like DIL is a new role for us, same goes for MIL too. They are also adjusting in their new role as MIL and we need to understand that.

When my H and Mil are discussing something, I leave the room to give them privacy. When they try to talk to me about their family property etc I request them to talk to their son first about it. I am not sure how it works for others, but in our family this works to keep them from getting insecure about their son. (Plus if there are any heated discussions later on I get to stay away from it and let H deal with them )

Do not have any preconceived notions how they should treat you. It is easy to get carried away seeing other ppl treat their DIL like a daughter (in many cases it may seem like it from the outside).

Be yourself with them. This is important for a smooth relationship in the longer run a they have less surprises later on. Do not bend over backwards to please them in the beginning. Give in importance to your priorities and interests, too. This will help ensure that you have lesser resentment in the long run, which will make you more amicable and stronger in dealing with them. Many a time, our reaction to situations might make or break relationships in our mind.

Last but not the least, do your duties towards PILs without expectations.
My son told me once that I take better care of his paternal grandparents than H. When I asked him why he said that, he laid out details which I myself had not paid attention too, but had just done naturally. Kids are a lot more perceptive than we think, and I realized that we are setting an example for them through everything we do.
However unfairly PILs have treated me sometimes in the past, I know that if I do not do what I have to, I personally would regret it after they pass on.

 

Thank you @alady2018 for a much needed thread. I have much to learn from all .
I have to run but promise to be back to post some of those things that really worked well for me my MIL and my mother. But before I go I have a request to all posters .There are few hundred million MILs in the world. Not all strategies and tips will work for all . Posters will share what worked for them in good faith. Resist the urge to correct and explain at great length why this tip or that wont work for ur MIL. It will then slowly degenerate into another chatter /PIL bashing thread .U know ur MIL and urself the best. Take what u think will work for u and if u can share something that worked for we are all ears. Lets keep this thread for tips and strategies alone ! Sorry OP I know its ur thread but had to say it .

 

Thank you for the timely warning @justanothergirl .

I attest your request.

 

True, when a mother says something, daughters, don't take it seriously; but, if MIL says the same thing, it will get DIL's attention.
This happened with my niece. I am very close to her. She had to go to a party that night and her MIL asked her to wear the RED saree. It didn't sit too well with my niece; she came from work and wore whatever. Nothing happened. My niece is very pretty and when she told me, I told her how wrong she was to think her MIL was controlling. All she wanted was to show off her DIL proudly in the party. My niece said, she didn't think that way. A year went by and they went to another baby shower and the mother-to-be hadn't dresses well and everyone was talking about it. MY niece's MIL made a comment, "why are you picking on her. She is pregnant and tired. Her MIL didn't take care of her." At that moment something clicked for my niece.

 

I always treat my mother in law with respect . Even if she may criticise me to DH, still I speak with polite & pleasant tone as if nothing happened . I've surrendered my ego as she is elder and his mother . The only time in my life I argued with MIL is I told her that I will keep my gold jewelry with myself not her, although she says I'm careless/ can't take care of my jewelry .

Whenever my husband shares any incident with me , I judge without bias who is right and wrong in that situation , and advice him to be fair towards his parents always . I feel it is a sin to neglect our parents /in-laws .I always make sure we take care of his parents to the best of our capacity .

Frankly these things has not helped to improve relationships but it prevents small things from escalating and it maintains peace in my DH life . I never argue/ insult /neglect MIL . I also always tell DH honestly whatever is going on in my mind be it good or bad . We share our feelings honestly and so he protects me always .That prevents anyone from behaving too badly with me .

 

Very good thing to do . I also do the same . Whenever my H gets a call from his parents , I prefer to leave the room so he can talk with full privacy .

 

Call the in-laws once a week. For the first 8 years, it used to really bother me that every single phone call has to be made by me. They never call; not even when i gave birth to our first baby. But then, last 2 years (after the birth of my son), I realised that its no big deal if they call or not. I call them and I see that the relationship is slowly improving.

When they are coming to visit and ask what we want from India, I tell her some small things (like camphor or couple of 5 star chocolate bars). It seems to make her happy.

Mostly, I learned not to take offence for small things.

 

Everyone has the need to be part of ....wanted ......care.... and cared for.

 

Wonderful thread...This made me teary eyed as I dont share a good relationship with my MIL. We are not in talking terms anymore hence I sincerely hope that time is the only healer if at all reconciliation has to happen..

She is a wonderful mother but fiercely over protective and controlling...There were times when she loved me more than her daughter and felt so proud about me but that suffocated me way too much that I cannot explain in words. She pampered me but still it was just not meant to be...Still she inquires about me to H when I am sick and prays for me and I do the same for her but thats it...We are at peace with this set up..I think allowing somebody to live at peace instead of fighting or living under pretense also adds up to the little things we do to maintain a cordial relationship with MIL.

I also make sure H visits his mom once in every one/ two months inspite of the expensive travel logistics and I give them complete privacy when they interact..Though these are not directly related I wish one day I would be blessed with her love as well...

 

Sorry to hear Sweety. Believe me, I really understand.
Whatever brought you into this situation, you have the power to resolve. I am sure she is also hurting just like you and wishes things were different. Life is finite and fragile.

All I can say is "Life is short and tomorrow is not guaranteed". Forgive and forget; live without regrets.
Anything can happen to anyone. Once the person is gone, it is all over. You can't say anything even if you want to because she is not there anymore to hear you.

I can go on and on.... but I will just stop