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Handling Toxic Relatives

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Kiran6, Jan 30, 2017.

  1. Kiran6

    Kiran6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Sorry about the long post....

    I have been reading almost all the threads silently under this "Relationship with in-laws" topic for about 2 years and this has completely changed my views about the way I was looking at life. Thank you all the lovely ladies....

    Few points that I have learnt from here is
    * Choose your battles wisely
    * Have a career
    * Love yourself, Love what you do
    * If things doesn't work, distance yourself emotionally, even if it doesn't work distance your self physically

    Sometimes you receive advice from your parents and we never take it up. But when you hear it from your friends we agree to it...and i think we all sail in the same boat and that's s why it is so easy to relate and agree with that.. Cheer up ladies!!!! :clap2::clap2::clap2:...

    Ok, now coming to the point, married for 5 years and I have a daughter who is 4 years old.
    And about my DH he is such a loving and caring husband, father, son and brother. (I do not know if i have sequenced the order correctly,,, even after 5 years i am still trying to figure it out :innocent::innocent::innocent::innocent::innocent::innocent:)

    I have 2 SILs staying very very close by to my in-laws house. Both my SILs visit their parents on a daily basis after their office timings and spend 4 to 5 hours with their parents. My MIL cooks for them , for their grand children and packs food for their son in laws. This was their routine and after our marriage when I came in .... my SIL had some issues and they do not wanted to have the food that was prepared in their parents house and they stopped visiting their parents frequently and my MIL got offended.

    MIL was very sweet to me in the beginning and she never let me inside the kitchen to cook and I thought she was very understanding the fact that I was too tired after my office timings.... but later on I came to know that there is a gathering of my SIL and MIL when I am not there (during my office hours or my visit to my parents place) and they were gossiping about me saying that I do not even prepare coffee for my PIL .... and my MIL never let me cook was because i cook for our family ( husband, myself and PIL --- NOT for SIL) and my SILs doesnt wanted to eat the food that I have prepared.

    I realized it was fuming after 3 months. I was not able to understand why it was,,,, because they were so sweet in front of me and gossiping about me at the back..

    After 1 and half years I was able to understand that my MIL was so possessive about her son and she was worried that I will take him away. I never had that idea. If a DIL is so happy in her in laws place why she should have the thought of moving out.

    Right from day 1 of our marriage my in-laws were looking at me as a competent

    My cunning SILs used this opportunity. They are doing something and they are making sure that my MIL is not having a good relationship with me. Indirectly they are distancing my husband from their parents... and My MIL is uneducated and she also agrees with all the drama that her daughters are playing.

    and the reason for them to do this is PROPERTY, GOLD that my MIL owns.... they know that my husband will get a share of the property and the gold ..... both of us are not bothered about the money and the belongings our parents hold because both of us are educated and we believe that we can earn and take care of our future.

    My SILs point is we are well placed and settled,,, why parents should give us share on the property... they play drama and act as if they are too poor and take as much as they can from their parents...

    I was not able to cope with all the drama... I have physically emotionally distant myself from them....

    Because of my SILs cunningness and MILs possessiveness I have been named as the "Home breaker". And my husband also has the same feeling because it was his family's opinion, but still he is nice to me.

    I am being made feel guilty. If people cannot handle strong and confident women they will make them feel guilty. damn i am not worried...

    But I wanted to go and shout loud in my husband's ear that i am not the home breaker... it is his family who played all the drama and now playing the victim game.

    How can I make him understand this? It really feels hurting when you love someone and they are nice to you but still you know that they do not have a good feeling about you...:pensive::pensive::pensive::pensive:

    Please help me...
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You can't beat the mil-sils gang and their ways.:shakehead:
    That is too strong a force field to break.:fearscream::sconf::rolleye:
    Just stay out of their way.
    One day husband will realize and mil will realize too.
    You stay aloof,they have given you a bad name..... enjoy it .;)

    Are you still staying with them or just carrying the title of 'home breaker' without the home breaking?:)
     
    sindmani, Madhumagie and aspha like this.
  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband is "educated" and "well placed and settled", but believes that you are a "Home breaker" ?
    And you are feeling guilty,although you are a strong and confident woman ?... and not worried ?
    You have an entertaining life. Thanks for sharing it with us.
     
    sindmani and Madhumagie like this.
  4. Kiran6

    Kiran6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Nonya,

    Nice to meet you!

    Yes...My husband is educated and settled (financially )... and still believes that I was the person to break his home ... the reason being he has been brought by the people and the same people have named me as the home breaker... and he will believe it... Education has got nothing to do here... its the way they have grown up and its hard for them .to accept the fact that his family members have ruined their family for their strong set emotions ego, possessiveness, jealous..

    And they tried to make me feel guilty and i am not bothered to it..... its an emotion ....my husband though he is nice to me... he still has the feeling that I was not able to fulfill his simple desire... which is to stay with his parents...

    I never asked my husband to step out of his parents house... I was not ready to take up all the drama... I walked away.... but we both are in the same house now....
     
  5. Kiran6

    Kiran6 Bronze IL'ite

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  6. Kiran6

    Kiran6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi YellowMango.

    Your reply is so soothing...:kissingclosed::kissingclosed::kissingclosed::kissingclosed:

    Right now I am not staying with them,... My husband moved abroad and I am with him in another country... But he wants to be with his parents when he is back to India..

    And when I am back to India..... I do not want to see any drama and pressurize myself.... I will stay with my parents.... he can choose to stay wherever he wants....

    I will not insist him to come and stay in parents house... or ask him to rent a house near my parents house... I will go to work and I will manage my bills.... He can choose whatever he wants....
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Chill girl...no need fr staying separately.
    Just convince him to buy an independent place where both sets of parents would be welcome to visit.Call it an investment for the future...which it is ,materialistically and emotionally.
    Take your time but start working on it.If not for himself...ask for yourself and your child. If you have the house and you live there...he will come and live with you.

    One day he may be thankful to you for thinking about his financial security too.Mine is.:)
     
  8. Kiran6

    Kiran6 Bronze IL'ite

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    All Done... I did not give this suggestion to him... It was his sister asked my husband to buy a house and stay away from the parents

    and the reason she gave to my husband for this idea is my DH can be in peace when me and my PIL are seperated

    She performed this drama in her house. and MIL is not aware that the SIL gave this idea to my husband... I am a mere spectator of this drama..and my husband searched for a property and got a land which is 30 kms away from my PIL place.

    and my MIL is asking my husband to sell that property and buy a house nearby my PIL house. and if he refuses she is telling that I am keying up her son..... because I do not want to stay close to my PIL house.

    My SIL performed this drama... to seperate my husband from his parents... so that she can dominate my PILs house and take as much as out from my PIL...

    But at the end I am being called as the bad soul by every one... I do not enter my husbands financial matters I never told my husband to buy a property which is 30 kms away from his parents house and now I can i go and tell my husband to sell the current property and buy a new one near my PILs house. and I am sure he is matured enough to understand his responsibilities as a father.... But he is not matured enough to understand what is actually happening inside his house.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Then just chill.
    One day when you all are together...mil ,sils ,husband ,just smile and thank that sil .
    "Thank you didi for suggesting to your brother to buy that house for himself .That area is coming up so well now .Your advice was so helpful,otherwise this fellow would have never bought it if I had asked him to buy.He never listens to me....roll eyes at hubby".:yum:

    Let the sun shine on your sil's little secret...
     
    sindmani, Madhumagie, NeetaR and 2 others like this.
  10. Kiran6

    Kiran6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Good one... will do this definitely... a
    Now a days,,,, she understood that I am aware of her cunningness and she doesnt do anything in front of me... now when we go back to India for a vacation i usually stay in PILs house she will call only her brother to visit her house and she does all the mind washing activities at her home.

    And FYI My husband has given my PILs and SILs a verbal confirmation that he doesn't want any share in the property and all the property that he inherited will be equally divided for my SILs kids and our daughter.. Equal share to all of them... and for that reason now a days she is super duper sweet to him....

    already my SIL got land, gold, cash financial support from my PIL... still she needs the share that is coming to her brother... to achieve this she had to sneak into the family.... she did that with my MIL's support... though my PIL do not want to give my husbands share to their grand kids,,, but still she tries...she knows that if i am close to my PIL she cannot get the property ,,,, she is seperating the family...

    Now the point that she makes is i am not respecting my PIL and i took their son abroad (claimed by them) and I broke the family ....and my husband still supports me... then why my PILs property should go to my husband when he doesnt do anything when his wife is not respecting the property holders....

    so I will take care of the parents... you stay away and give me all the proeprty...
     
    sindmani likes this.

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