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Handling Negativity

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by AmayaGirl, Mar 20, 2017 at 2:17 PM.

  1. AmayaGirl

    AmayaGirl New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have been married for last 5 years and these years I have learnt that me and MIL think ways apart. We rarely agree to a common point. She gives fake reasons, facts n figures to prove her points but I do not agree from within what my mind says i agree to that.

    Being an elder of family she thinks she should have last words in every discussion n being an capricorn i dont want to give up my instinct.

    Staying apart is not an solution.

    Please suggest some positive ways to handle her negativity.
    e.g. when is says something that i know is bluff- what should I do?

    She creates scene out of nil and then emotionally blackmails that i give her tension and being a sugar patient tension is poison for her.

    I know few things can not be changed and changing anyone else is waste of time.
    I want to focus on myself and keep myself motivated to move ahead. These useless talks should not affect me.

    Thanks in advance.
     
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  2. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Silver IL'ite

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    Listen to her but do not argue with her. A simple 'hmm' in the discussion suffices. But do what you plan to do. Try not to indulge her in personal decision making.
    Keep calm during the discussions, give her the impression as if she is being treated like a three year old kid , who we listen for the sake of listening but ultimately do what we have to do. Do not tell her your plans and ideas if she does not respect them. Just listen to her and end discussions with a 'hmm'. IF she has even a little self respect she will back off.
     
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  3. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    Hi, I understand your condition. I'm in a similar situation and do not know what to do as well. But I can tell u something that I try. I try to ignore her words completely, which is very annoying but at least avoids and argument. and I have singed up for yoga and dance classes. I do painting, drawing, stitching, anything that keeps my mind occupied from the unnecessary drama around the house.
    I sometimes feel the younger generation are way more mature than elderly people. But, hope this helps in a small way at least.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017 at 3:36 PM
  4. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi New IL'ite

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    Really? On the contrary all we seem to hear and read (on FB) is how the young generation is selfish/restless/immature and how people were so much better back in the "good old days" .... ;)

    Wasn't there a Socrates quote on this?
     
  5. shwethamona

    shwethamona New IL'ite

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    Wasn't there a Socrates quote on this?[/QUOTE]

    Well I'm not sure of the quote, neither do I generalize. But things change and people need to adapt. But most parents/grandparents don't like to accept change. They want to stick to their traditional ways which wont work the same always. Who know when we grow older how things change and how we adapt to it. But being open to change and accepting it is what matters more.
     
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  6. sumzaya

    sumzaya Silver IL'ite

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    Listen to what she says, obeying is upto u.. final decision should be yours.. smile at her often... (Oops dont make her feel u r making fun of her).
    Concentrate on ur self... Enjoy every minute.. listen to music... Sing ur favorite songs... Gardening. , Cooking new recipes , sewing , all these brings positivity and clears ur mind.. thinking too much of arguments / fights during free time welcomes negativity..
     
  7. kavithas2217

    kavithas2217 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I know its hard, but try to assume how you would react had it been your mother. Think of the good things that she had done for you, there must be at-least a few ;). Dont react at once; during the argument try to keep your cool and think about it after you cool down a bit, because when we are angry, we tend to be irrational sometimes. You wouldn't have to take tension if you have a supportive husband. And as everyone else has told, agree with her with a "hmm" and dont drag the argument and finally do whatever is right.
     
  8. sassybeautyaz

    sassybeautyaz New IL'ite

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    I have found the best thing that works for me is my surprised face :astonished: and for every thing she says which is illogical my answer is "wow" "really" "interesting"
     
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  9. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    I try this with all difficult relatives :

    Information is power :) Keep her out of the loop wherever/whenever you can - not as an aggressive act. But share only on a absolutely-need-to-know basis.
    Arguing for the sake of winning is futile - unless both parties are willing to see the other's view ( in other words , discussions are productive). So, donot engage in arguments. Practise being tactful/polite.
    If and when you need to say your piece, try your best to make it as neutral /drama free as possible ( practise before hand, if that is an option). If you see that it is leading to an argument/drama , again do not engage and end it politlely : 'I just wanted you to know , this was my reason/expectation . Its ok if you do not agree with it'

    You might lose it every now and then - just start again. Praise yourself everytime you like what you did !
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Silver IL'ite

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    How to deal with negativity? Answer : by being positive.
    First, realize she is your MIL not your mother, she knows you only after marriage. Also, you are not her daughter , but will remain only as DIL, even if you do everything. Understand this difference and always maintain a safe distance like we deal with strangers. Be polite and respectful.
    When people get older, many thinks they are only right and others don't know anything.. they want recognition and respect.

    Think well, and talk
    Whenever she suggest something, just think, is it acceptable to you. If so, if your mom say the same thing ,how you respond?If there is something you agree , obey...say ok, yeah,.. hmmm ... you right mom...etc..
    If you don't agree...then really?, I didnt know.. is that so etc... add suitable facial expressions...if you can't take more find an excuse and escape from scene...smiling many things off and neglecting and keeping mum even when you want to react are the key to success..

    If you find something good in her, for example, she cooked a tasty dish. Or a new sari suits her etc... tell her that. Ask your doubts as if you are going to learn from her.I noticed that women like happiness of small-things ( my MIL likes it). Even if you don't want simply ask her suggestions like she is the boss..

    Always, try to think in her shoes too... if you can, try to find positive aspects in every thing instead of finding faults of MILS like many do..
    Always remember whatever they are , they are your dh's parents...so a reasonably good relationship between you two make your dh happy and eventually bring peace in your life.. if you can,pl don't complain to your Dh about his parents, it will backfire.. ( most men don't like it). Same way, talk about only good things of your family to in-laws.

    If you strongly disagree with someone trying to sit on your head, don't quarrel with in laws instead try to convince your dh and let him speak for you..

    If she behaves well to you , consider it as a bonus and don't expect much from her. Always be a good human being.
    Finally, do whatever you want.. but create an impression that you value them much..

    Learn to ignore and neglect useless things that don't have any direct effect on your life or comfort

    Also congratulate you for being a good DIL. Try to smile inside ..and see a funny element in these things... in the mean time focus on your life well.. stay positive.good luck

    I got good PILs,.. so I dont have experience dealing with very bad people.. but I think your MIL is reasonable from what you have written ...so try all diplomatic steps to maintain positive energy in your life..
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017 at 6:58 AM

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