Handling husband's secrets

klniha · Feb 10, 2014

Hello ladies,

My husband and his bro decided to buy their parents' a new gadget. His bro is visiting them and will give it to them. How I came to know about this is when he was having a conversation with this bro, I happened to hear their discussion about Ipad, Laptop etc. I asked after husband hung up if his bro is buying a new gadget, to which husband said it was for their Dad. I am upset, not coz they are buying something for their parents but coz he did not tell me till I asked him. Everytime same thing happens, he gives his parents money but I don't know, till I know by some other means and ask him. I felt bad, I tell him every thing from my parents' and siblings' important things. When I and my siblings wanted to buy a gadget for my parents', I went to shopping with him. To which when questioned, the argument goes nowhere, he doesn't accept the mistake and instead says, why should I say every damn thing, do you tell me everything (actually I do try my best to keep him in loop but ofcourse he is not in a position to agree) and it doesn't occur to tell you (he just got off the phone and if he wanted to could've told me then when I was with him). It may sound petty but all these things make me dislike him. Its like he doesn't share anything with me. I see his bro and wife's rapport, they tell each other everything and here I am... It would've atleast felt better if he owned up and said Sorry. Now even I am tempted to hide things from him even though I hope we were both transparent.

Thank you all!

janbornchild · Feb 10, 2014

Dear Klniha,

I feel just because we are husband and wives, we shouldn't live in each others pockets. I feel in these things, its upto both individuals on how much to share. I feel you should not get so disturbed or upset by your husband not telling you about the gift for his parents. After all it's upto him whether he wants to share it with you. I feel by forcing him to tell you all, you are just making him angry.

Since i assume, he doesn't ask you to tell all your secrets/plans, you can't demand the same. I feel you should just let it pass. Give him the space he needs and slowly but steadily he will share with you if not forced. Maybe he thinks, you are keeping a tab on him. I have always believed on individual's right to their private space in a marriage. I am sure if you take it easy and not get upset, your husband will soon share things with you. Meanwhile, you are also not obliged to share everything with him.

Don't they say that maintaining a bit of mystery always adds to the spice of romance!! console1

indoc · Feb 10, 2014

It does sound petty. Its his money and he's giving a gift to his parents once-in-a-while. What's the big deal in that. Grow up.

If he's giving gifts at the cost of you or when he uses your money to buy gifts for his parents, then you should get angry or upset.

guesshoo · Feb 10, 2014

It is not the giving but it is the lack of communication that bugs you. That and the defiance when you confront him about it. I'm not sure your husband understands this aspect.

While it is his prerogative to decide which thoughts of his he shares and doesn't share with you, I do understand that you will be happy the more he shares.

Since head on confrontation hasn't yielded results, I suggest a round-about way for you to get involved. Next time it happens, take the sting out. As in, say you overhear him planning to buy jewellery for his mum. (Put a lid on the fact that he hasn't told you himself. No confrontation about that) When you talk to him next, you could enthusiastically say, "hey! Are you buying jewellery for your mum? Great! Tell me more. She has rubies. Why don't you by emeralds? She likes green." Just contribute positively. Once he sees the effort you put in, things should start turning around.

I speak from experience. Good luck!