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H/ Roommate? Please Help Me To Understand

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ineedhelp1, Oct 20, 2017.

  1. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ils,

    I am posting for the first time . Sorry if there is any mistake . I am already in depression stage.

    I wonder if my H is gay/asexual what is wrong. Recently I asked how many times we had good intimacy in all these years. H told 5-8 time. (We have been married for 9 years) . H tells me he feel regret that he cannot make me satisfied (he has erectile dysfunction) so he won’t take initiative. I have seen him trying to act nice in front of other girls. I am sure he watches ****.

    some past details.

    Before marriage he told he had a office colleague. She was his best friend and shared me some pics. Telling me he want me to see them before marriage. (In all those pics he was very much close to the other woman, even in group photos they will be always together). I told him I didn’t like that. He said that is the reason he wanted to show me so we have transparency and it is in the past. But he used to tell me to wish her on her b’day. After few years I told I won’t do that!

    Our honeymoon was for the sake. He said I just wanted try once!

    We had our first kid after 8 years of marriage. That too after so many fight and stress situation. His parents spread rumor” I don’t want kid”. Whenever I ask my h gives me answer “We are not settled”. He had a transferable job, owned a house and land from our own money. (We both are working). He is never satisfied with his job (from past 14 years he is with same IT company). Whenever I start initiation he makes fun of me, So I stopped it. But I used to ask him why he is not attracted to me ?. May be we should divorce .He tells "nothing is wrong everything is normal.he himself used to tell me , everyone in the family & friend circle tells him “he is lucky to get me.” .He tells that is the reason he won’t let me go! He is very much afraid of the society.

    We have been to marriage counseling(only one session, not for intimacy issues) in the past, counselor told him to improve in many things, take more responsibility and gave exercise he didn’t do it and I was not ready to go further.

    I am not looking for divorce. I am financially independent but I don’t have any family or friends to support. Living abroad. We have so many incompatibilities but I believe the problem start from bedroom. I did talk to my h about divorce many times. Every time he tells he will correct it and improve it.

    I want to know what is wrong with him? I reached a stage, I will accept him as my roommate but I want a clarity, an answer for my sake.

    I am writing for first time here. Sorry for very long post. I am already in depression.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
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  2. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Reading your situation, a very similar question posted by another member comes to mind. Many people have responded to her & given her good advice. I suggest you go through this thread once to see if the solutions work for you.

    I Suspect My Husband Is Gay.
     
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  3. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Naari . First I want to know with all the above symptoms what is he? gay/ asexual/ homesexual.. I read a lot but I didn't get any clear answer.

    I kind of got used to him "no sex" part. but then when he act so nice infront of other woman it really irritates me!. I wish if I could get any answer for this!!

    Thanks @Naari for the reply out of 136 people only one felt to reply. I realize isolation is my companion everywhere. I don't have any friends or family to share & care this matter.
     
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  4. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Bronze IL'ite

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    Anyone have any idea about any good counselor who will take online?/skype/ gmail.
    Here in English speaking country, our culture is so different , so they are not able relate half of the things!
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Is erectile dysfunction the reason for his asexual behavior? I think it can be treated. If so, it may help with his lack of confidence and interest.

    You have a kid now. I think going for a kid without getting answer/fixing this issue was not a wise choice. It is not your fault. But past is past. We cannot do anything about it.

    I think you need talk to him very well that it is not normal. Tell him that you are not happy about it and you don't want to waste your life this way and also you are going to inform your family about it (I am not asking you go for divorce, but create an atmosphere that you are heading to divorce.)

    He need to accept it. Once he accept it, then only you can take him to doctor or counselor. May be that will give you a better idea on is it due to erectile dysfunction or low libido. I dont think our culture has anything to do with this problem. Seek help from the country you live. You deserve a a fulfilling life. He need to work on it , if its possible
     
  6. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    Here is a link, some of my relatives and friends used . these are the counsellors from india, some offer skpe based.

    Marriage Counselling, Marriage Counsellors in Bangalore - View Cost, Book Appointment Online | Practo

    In my experience counselling is waste, it only works if the other person feels that they will loose something massive if they don't correct their ways of living.
     
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  7. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I agree with DDream. Culture does not matter, somehow media has portrayed white men /women are flirty and non monogamous. I work in a company with lot of india/ white men /women. my white friends in relationships are very serious about their partners and are very involved in each other lives.
     
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  8. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, sorry you are going through this, hugs to you. I am no sexuality expert, but I can say that frequency 5-8 times in 9 years of marriage is very, very abnormal. You could see that frequency in a week or two in normal men. You haven't mentioned if you guys visited a doctor for his ED?

    Now acting nice before other girls, that doesn't mean he is attracted to them. It is possible he just likes the idea of flirting, being friends with women. If he was interested in having se* with them, he would also be having much more intercourse with you!

    I just think you guys need to see a doctor for his ED asap..
     
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  9. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband is indeed lucky to have you. He gets to keep the facade of a happy marriage with a kid to boot. His masculinity and fertility have been proved to the society that he cares so much about . You have been more than patient with him ( 9 yrs ! ) and he has become very comfortable because he probably knows you will not seek divorce. What he indulges in nothing short of emotional abuse. He makes fun of you for initiating and am sure has not been man enough to tell his parents that he had a problem when they spread rumors about you. In short, I don’t see any motivation for him to change or work on improving that aspect of your marriage, unless you rock the boat. I won’t judge you for not seeking divorce, everyone has their reasons. But as an outsider I don’t see your husband coming clean as to what the problem is unless it creates havoc in his life.

    Meanwhile,talk to a counselor about your depression first. You owe that to your child. Find hobbies, meditate, become religious , whatever it takes.
    Once you are in the right frame of mind deal with the husband and drag him to counseling .
    Since you plan to stick around, make sure to seek peace with your situation if counselling or anything else does not pan out. For your sake, I hope it does. Take care.
     
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  10. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you ddream for reply.

    I don't know but he mentioned it to me once. This time I will make sure he will see doctor . I need a final answer.

    But trust me in my life now I have a hope ,happyness ,meaning ,aim . It is all because of my baby. Before that I used to be a money making machine. It is God's blessing I have my baby else I must have gone mad now.

    Sorry my post gave you confusion. Once I discussed some of the problems with my English friend she suggested me it will be good if I can find any Indian counselor. They will be able to understand your background and relate easily. ( But I agree it was not about sex issue) .

    Thank you so much for reading and taking time to reply.
     

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