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Guilt To Initiate Divorce

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by BhumiBabe, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. raingreen

    raingreen New IL'ite

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    Bhumi, you might already be aware of these concepts, but for anyone who is reading this - abusers don't change overnight. Please read up about the cycle of abuse.

    He may be nice for a few days or weeks, but he will start the same cycle all over again. Nothing has changed.

    The second concept I wanted to leave you with is DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Abusers are very good at this.

    The third concept is that of gaslighting. Please read up about this. Abusers are very good at gaslighting, and typically normal people react by starting to doubt themselves.

    You said you have a little son. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that the way your husband behaves is how men should behave towards their loved ones ?

    Whatever you decide - divorce or separation, please stay safe, and please don't lull yourself into a false sense of security. Anyone who threatens to kick his pregnant wife out of the house is not a good or safe person.
     
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  2. raingreen

    raingreen New IL'ite

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  3. raingreen

    raingreen New IL'ite

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    Also, this might sound familiar :

    [​IMG]
     
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  4. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    This should be printed, laminated and stitched into a girl's saree (or jeans, or skirt, or thong) before meeting prospective groom for matrimonial alliance.

    Once you are in the hot boiling water like @BhumiBabe and countless others, then it is rather difficult to get out. It's easy to make excuses for the painful, excruciating heat.

    Only once in a while a random snowflake provides minimal relief to the boiling water....
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2017
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  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    If I'm not mistaken he actually kicked her out while pregnant.
     
  6. raingreen

    raingreen New IL'ite

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    That makes it even worse. I am a long time lurker who pops in occasionally. I just made an account because this was so concerning. He seems to be escalating from emotional abuse to physical abuse, which means he is actually growing more confident, and that's scary. There are hints of some kind of sexual abuse too, but that's not clear. The attempt to control and isolate her from friends and support network is also classic abuser strategy.

    Bhumi, if you are reading this, none of this is normal. I am also a first generation American who was born in South India and lived/ worked in India till my marriage. My husband also has a similar background, and trust me, this is not normal behavior for Indian men in our generation, including those raised in India. Please don't delude yourself it is due to his background.

    The other doubt I get from his behavior - controlling your phone etc is that he might be cheating on you. Cheaters do project on their spouses. Please ask to go through his phone/ email etc (if he believes in open access to phones it should go both ways, right ?) and his reaction might be telling. If anything, it might help decrease some of the sympathy you still have for him.

    Ok, I am going to get off my soapbox now. Hope I was able to provide some food for thought..
     
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  7. eternalnomad

    eternalnomad Silver IL'ite

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    I think we're kind of programmed to feel guilty about a lot of (wrong) choices we make from a young age because our culture is more collectivist than individualist... hence the obsession with what everyone else will think or what the society will think about our most personal decisions. This just cultivates and feeds the guilt we feel when thinking about something that may be the best thing for ourselves personally but something others (such as parents, family, friends) may frown upon. I'm not saying it's ALWAYS a bad thing to have this collectivist focus but marriage and relationship issues are a classic example of this backfiring. I wonder how many ppl would turn their backs on unhappy marriages if they weren't held back by the fear of society and the ire of family/friends - it would be a lot higher than it is at the moment!
     
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  8. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Don't feel bad about about ur in laws? If they are as nice people as u think they should help resolve the issues
     
  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    @Bluelagoon - I had previously thought the same about the situation. I'm not sure anymore, because he seems to have genuine feelings toward his son, at the very least. Since my in-laws are here, things have improved, and there is less instance of this, which makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. But I totally agree about the small kindnesses, sprinkled around, is enough to question the validity of my thoughts.

    @raingreen - I am sadly very acquainted with that cycle. It's like I intellectually know that this is what is going on, but in the honeymoon and calm phase, I get so confused because he transforms into a normal person who is a good father, too (He is currently in that phase). While I might not be emotionally committed to him, the normalcy makes things very tempting to stay, for my son's sake.
    That "prayer" is dead on. It's how many things have been explained away. The physical abuse has been "removed" since my in-laws have been in town. Through counseling, I am somewhat confident that he understands how accountable he is for that type of behavior. He has enough fear to know that another instance would send me and my son packing. The emotional abuse has decreased (since the in-laws are here), and the fact that we don't speak to each other much, means that hurtful words don't get a platform. I feel like I'm defending him again, but I'm really waiting to see his behavior once his parents leave. Maybe he has changed, or maybe he's fall back to old habits once his parents are no longer around to regulate. I think I need to make sure that what he and his parents claim, are actually going to stick, or whether its unsalvageable.

    @eternalnomad - The guilt is real. I feel guilty for making my parents feel guilty. They have seen my husband's bad side (and heard his demands), and they have become extremely supportive since - previously, they have been encouraging me to try to adjust to things. At the same time, I also blame them for putting me in this situation and making it tough for me to leave.:grazy:

    @EagerForInfo - My inlaws don't know any better. Afterall, they have raised my husband with these values and encouraging him to patiently teach me with their ways. My MIL has drunken the Kool-Aid, and really believes that women are less than men, and should serve men. Maybe if she had daughters, she might not feel this way.
     
  10. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Bhumi,
    I can read lots from your posts. You are such a kind, gentle and matured person. Even after all the ill treatments, you still care about your husband's and inlaws emotional well-being. How much you can struggle with your husband's tantrums , whats your threshold point, only you can decide. Not even your parents can have a say on that. Is your husband's love for the kid make your sufferings worth it?? Is there slightly a chance, he will change???Whatever decision you make, see yourself and kid as your priority always... Stay strong dear!! Lots of prayers and strength your way!!
     
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