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For All your Questions regarding Sashti Vratham

Guilt To Initiate Divorce

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by BhumiBabe, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. silento

    silento Silver IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe, I am sorry that you are undergoing this ordeal and hope you find some solace soon.
    I am sure you have thought of this, but would it be possible to live separately say for 6 months and see how it goes?
     
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  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Gold IL'ite

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    What do u feel guilty for??.he has always treated u badly. Are u worried about ur son.
    Trust me
    Even me who was fully raised in India have lots of mixed messages in my head.
    I am in USA from 2010.
    My sil who lives in India, has never seen outside India has no confusion.
    She forced my parents to move out . now they live seperately in 2 houses.
    My parents have never tortured or interfered in her life.
    Ultimately u have to be happy in ur marriage
     
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  3. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress Platinum IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe

    It is heartbreaking to hear about the behavior you are enduring. Best part is, anyone who is in love, who is nice, who has a heart (I bet you are pretty too) can fall into this pattern.

    Doesn't matter if you are clerk at convenient store or Board Certified Medical Specialist.

    You have to do what's comfortable to you.

    Have you considered praying wholeheartedly to G-d?

    Of course G-d will make things happen His way.

    You can see if mantras are interesting. It's not just superstition (even Chistian bible mentions speaking words of healing) but now there is more scientific evidence that the way we think and the words we say (i.e. mantras) have impact on our lives.

    When I was in abisive marriage and pregnant I prayed to G-d that my child is safe, protected by Hus Angels. I must have prayed this 100 of times a day.

    G-d's answer was to take my child away sand make me angry enough to throw my ex out of my room (he came to USA without a penny yet I foolishly allowed him to behave like dictator, thinking he is somehow smarter than me), the called the police when he raised his hand.


    Just think about all these responses and give it to G-d.
     
  4. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    Is your husband not allowing you to talk to your parents? if not he is not coming in between your freedom and only issue is he is not treating your parents well and that is common in most of the households..your mother in law is right your husband is at least buying you things. there are many women out there whose husbands dont give them good standard of living..infact i have seen few women giving entire salary to husband.
    Is your husband abusive or does he have extra marital affairs and you are putting through it? - If answer is no then you need to work out.
    OP i am not sure if you are working or not but if you start working you have more things to think about instead of your husband.Most women don't realise what they have untill its lost.
    Assuming if you have divorced him..do you think you would get price charming who takes care of you? Answer is straight no. Getting remarried is a question and even if you get remarried you would face different set of challenges difficult to deal with as kid is involved.
    Stop going to trips and try for some alone vacations to your parents home instead of divorcing
     
  5. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Senior IL'ite

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    In Desi culture, many who speak like that will be accused of thinking "selfishly". And don't think this applies to just women.
    I have been lectured on how "a man's duty in this world is to ensure the happiness of everyone in his family (spouse, parents, kids etc) before thinking of his own happiness, of course my reply to that meant that I did not 'behave properly" :grinning:
     
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  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    @ChennaiExpress Thank you. While I may not be religious, I definitely believe things happen for a reason. I take my experiences as stepping stones for success.

    @nolife - that is a very sad perspective to have. I disagree with your post. Just because some women have found ways to disassociate themselves from their life and focus on their children, does not mean it's a possibility for other women. I don't expect a Prince Charming, that would be naive. I'm not even expecting someone to take care of me, because l am pretty independent. I just expect living with some peace of mind at home. I have a well-paying job, lifelong friends, family who would understand, on my side. Leaving may be tough because of my personal values and beliefs, but staying would mean waiting for the next fight. While I might be able to survive them, my parents (and my in-laws) have been terribly affected by the monthly outbursts and bi-yearly crisis'. Everyone wishes us to be happy (they are constantly praying and doing pooja), but they are always disturbed by how unhappy we are.

    @DXBDesi
    I agree, Desi culture makes a big deal about duty and responsibilities, but neglects to advocate for the individuals involved (including the children). Men and women suffer for trying to meet familial obligations, but in the end, it is all in vain.

    There is something my counselor mentioned, 'divorce is a happy event for a bad marriage'. The process sucks, but at least it breaks the cycle that would lead to a life full of resentment.
     
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  7. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't see why we ought not to celebrate divorce as much as we celebrate marriage. In fact, the former is more worthy of a celebration, the freedom from a miserable life, taking the mill-stone off one's neck, and being able to decide on whatever that is right for one.
    upload_2017-10-15_17-16-48.jpeg

    BB has the distinct advantage of parental support, that makes so many so-called "resigneds" be consigned into being "resigned".
    Many people are allergic to shellfish in the western world.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    BB,
    From your replies, I get a feeling that you have already made up your mind and are looking for support/affirmation of that idea.

    As suggested by many above, you may think about a temporary separation for at least six months , if you think that gives you peace of mind, before finalising your decision. May be that will give you much confidence( also on how to manage child custody- sole/joint) to lead your life the way you prefer.

    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2017
  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you. I have an aversion for conflict, so initiating something of this scale makes me think of all the affected parties, and not just my own well-being. It's why I cycle a lot with my decision. I have been trying to read affirmations and mentally strengthen myself, so that I am not dragged around emotionally. It definitely helps that my parents also recognize how detrimental my marriage is and they no longer believe that being married is the only end goal.
    While this is my battle, having the understanding and support of my parents means a lot.
     
  10. Bluelagoon

    Bluelagoon Senior IL'ite

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    OP, I wanna share my thoughts about some of the things you said, based on my own experiences. I dont wanna jump to conclusion, these are just food for thought, as u are the best judge of ur situation.

    Is it possible your H has NPD or some similar personality disorder? This sounds like somethg a classic narc would do, take zero responsibility and shift all blame on others, assert control. Interesting u used the word empathy cos I believe that is the weapon narcs use to keep their victims under their control . Since u feel so empathetic n responsible for hurting ppl, he cud be using it to manipulate u into feeling guilty

    Narcs will be happy n satisfied as long as u keep pleasing them, minute u step a toe out of line, nightmare begins

    I hv experienced this . The displays of affection r so small and rare and sprinkled in between huge fights, u feel that a very minor showing of love is a huge deal. It is not. It is like throwing biscuit to dog to make it behave properly. Dont mistake this comparison pls, this is how i feel.

    This is called 'hoovering'. Narc will b afraid of pushing u beyond ur limit after a big confrontation, so they shower u with lots of love n care to 'hoover' u back in to their circle of manipulation. they r afraid u will realize who they are and leave them n they will lose their 'supply'

    This ^. Narcs are expert at twisting ur words into unrecognizable forms, n punish u for your 'imagined' misbehaviour . "Being honest with people and speaking my mind" shd be a given in any relationship. The moment ur not able to do this, it seems like ur walking on eggshells afraid of creating unnecessary conflicts. This will create stress and may affect ur health in long run

    I know it seems like ur son will b happier growing up in a whole 'traditional' family now . But what abt when he is old enough to notice his dad's behaviours n his treatment of u? maybe starts copying it ? maybe starts thinking this s how women r typically treated?

    OP, I felt really uncomfortable telling u these things in online forum, as i dont know ur true situation, and i am no psychology expert. these r just my thoughts based on my experience, feel free to reject if u dont agree. I encourage u to read up on narcissism & NPD. I strongly feel the guilt ur feeling right now is 'manufactured' by ur H taking advantage of ur good and giving nature. U r naturally empathetic and a genuine person, this kind of behaviour is thru no fault of urs. U have no reason to b afraid or feel anxiety, think clearly and assess ur situation well. I too feel a temporary separation will b good in ur case, u can think clearly after coming out of toxic environment. Feel free to msg me privately if u wanna talk, and again pls dont mistake me for my response.
     
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