Guilt To Initiate Divorce

Don't worry. Do what u think is right.

 

@BhumiBabe,

Guilt is worse than anger. Being angry in a marriage is lot better than leaving it guilty. You end up reliving every day over and over again and defeats the very purpose of leaving the marriage. Collateral damages are common in a breakup and you don't have to feel guilty about your in-laws. Your son by enjoying the company of your in-laws and father is trying to make things work for you. He may be hurting inside to see you suffer in a family. You need to remove that conflict in his head. In the long run, he will understand you have made the right decision and learn to live with it. It is more important to give peace to him and therefore, you feeling guilty of leaving the marriage would continue to aggravate his emotions.

Viswa

 

OP, this is still a problem in many Indian marriages (see IL forum married life, recently also I came across many posts where the girl is asked to adjust with in laws family and her own family is not treated well. They expect the girl to accept ils family as her own and live there for ever). Time changed . But attitude didn't change. The boys are also raised with those kinds believes still, even your husband. In your case you are raised in a different country and it is very difficult even to think this way. There are also cases now in nuclear families, the parents control and interfere in their kids life beyond a limit and spoil their marriage. I have heard about these kind of stories where they have only one daughter and mother tries to control everything what daughter do after marriage ( happens in India). These two are extremes. Both are not good for married life. Both sides should respect/treat each other well for happy life, also parents should not interfere in their kids married life too much.

What I understood from your post is that both of your expectations are not matching and it is not about any abuse (a big NO). If it is just ego and adjustment issues between you two, it can be solved by lot patience and hard work from both of your sides-with love, respect and understanding. Time changes, priorities change, even our life. Everything is transient.

Anyway, it is your life. No one is perfect -neither your dh or you, everyone has pluses and minuses. However, think about next 5 years. What can happen. I am sure your dh will marry another one and move on. Is it OK for you. ( I am asking this because many women think twice as they cannot accept that their husband became part of another woman's life. It makes them to reconsider their decision to separate). Your IL laws or parents will not there for you all the time. You have to face your life alone at some point. You may / may not also marry some one and move on. Also it is not possible for both of you to cut each other from your lives. In one point or other both of you have to be there as parents of your kid. Both of you will be in each others life in this life time due to your kid. No escape.
Ultimately it is the kid who is going to suffer. But it is your life, you deserve happiness, your kid too. I am sure you might have thought about pluses and minuses many times. But I believe, there will not be any guilt if you are 100% ready to separate. You are the best one to judge your situation.

Good luck with any of your decision. Wish you a happy and peaceful life ahead.

 

It's one of my worries, that he wouldn't get remarried and I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life.

Bhumi,

men get married faster than women believe me.There are many reasons for it.Socially many women are available to them to get married.They cant live alone for a longer period of times.It's socially easy for men to get remarried than women.So that shouldn't be in your list at all

 

I think your upbringing has both indian values and western values blended..

Indian values suggest you to adjust and stay in marriage and forget about your wishes and wants, by putting family first.

Western values suggest you to think about your well being and wants and comforts so that you can care yourself first. If you are happy, then you can make everyone around you( family) happy.

Its confusing and tough!! All the best OP.
Do you think marrying someone from west who had same upbringing as you or a westerner put you out of this dilemma?

 

That is his perception.

This is your perception.

How does it matter where his extended family lives? How do you know things will be hard for him if you leave him and he is more worried about his public image? If so, why is he not making any effort to make it work?

You are making a lot of assumptions which may or may not be true. I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty. If he is ready to face the consequences of separation by not keeping you happy, then, why carry guilt in your heart? If you are carrying guilt, it only means one thing, i.e. you are not fully convinced about your separation. You can't justify your separation as well as guilt at the same time.

Viswa