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Guilt To Initiate Divorce

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by BhumiBabe, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't worry. Do what u think is right.
     
  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    I agree. My mother held a lot of resentment toward my father because he treated her parents poorly. My brother and I witnessed her breakdown and depression because of that - this happened when I left for college, because I was no longer at home. She is a lot better now, but she is from a different generation, and there was literally no way that she could have left my father, even if she wanted to.
     
  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @BhumiBabe,

    Guilt is worse than anger. Being angry in a marriage is lot better than leaving it guilty. You end up reliving every day over and over again and defeats the very purpose of leaving the marriage. Collateral damages are common in a breakup and you don't have to feel guilty about your in-laws. Your son by enjoying the company of your in-laws and father is trying to make things work for you. He may be hurting inside to see you suffer in a family. You need to remove that conflict in his head. In the long run, he will understand you have made the right decision and learn to live with it. It is more important to give peace to him and therefore, you feeling guilty of leaving the marriage would continue to aggravate his emotions.

    Viswa
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, this is still a problem in many Indian marriages (see IL forum married life, recently also I came across many posts where the girl is asked to adjust with in laws family and her own family is not treated well. They expect the girl to accept ils family as her own and live there for ever). Time changed . But attitude didn't change. The boys are also raised with those kinds believes still, even your husband. In your case you are raised in a different country and it is very difficult even to think this way. There are also cases now in nuclear families, the parents control and interfere in their kids life beyond a limit and spoil their marriage. I have heard about these kind of stories where they have only one daughter and mother tries to control everything what daughter do after marriage ( happens in India). These two are extremes. Both are not good for married life. Both sides should respect/treat each other well for happy life, also parents should not interfere in their kids married life too much.

    What I understood from your post is that both of your expectations are not matching and it is not about any abuse (a big NO). If it is just ego and adjustment issues between you two, it can be solved by lot patience and hard work from both of your sides-with love, respect and understanding. Time changes, priorities change, even our life. Everything is transient.

    Anyway, it is your life. No one is perfect -neither your dh or you, everyone has pluses and minuses. However, think about next 5 years. What can happen. I am sure your dh will marry another one and move on. Is it OK for you. ( I am asking this because many women think twice as they cannot accept that their husband became part of another woman's life. It makes them to reconsider their decision to separate). Your IL laws or parents will not there for you all the time. You have to face your life alone at some point. You may / may not also marry some one and move on. Also it is not possible for both of you to cut each other from your lives. In one point or other both of you have to be there as parents of your kid. Both of you will be in each others life in this life time due to your kid. No escape.
    Ultimately it is the kid who is going to suffer. But it is your life, you deserve happiness, your kid too. I am sure you might have thought about pluses and minuses many times. But I believe, there will not be any guilt if you are 100% ready to separate. You are the best one to judge your situation.

    Good luck with any of your decision. Wish you a happy and peaceful life ahead.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2017
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  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    @Viswamitra - Thank you for your kind post. I didn't want to leave in anger. If I did, I would have left while I was pregnant and he kicked me out of the house. 3 years later, I am in a better place- I have better control of my anger and more experience about the type of person he is. He's not evil, despite his bad actions, but this will affect his life sourly, hence my guilt. He often says that I have more to lose than him, but the opposite is true. His family lives in India (mine in the US), and he is more concerned about his public image than I am. I am not at all worried about my image, the people who love me, will still love me once I leave this marriage. The same may not be for him.

    @DDream - Thank you for the wishes. There is/was emotional abuse, though I no longer play the victim (I ignore and let him say whatever he wants). If there was respect and understanding, we stand a chance. I think that boat has sailed. I think my son would suffer if I stay or leave. It's his fate to have us as his parents, I guess.
    If H finds another woman, that will be awesome. It's one of my worries, that he wouldn't get remarried and I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life. Do I sound like a bad person for thinking that? I think there are certain people raised in a certain background, who would actually be at peace with marrying him. I am at peace with my decision. Let's see how I feel about that, once the emotional blackmailing begin.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    It's one of my worries, that he wouldn't get remarried and I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life.

    Bhumi,

    men get married faster than women believe me.There are many reasons for it.Socially many women are available to them to get married.They cant live alone for a longer period of times.It's socially easy for men to get remarried than women.So that shouldn't be in your list at all :)
     
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  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Hahaha, I suppose not. But, none of the guys in his family are married yet, so there is a prevailing notion that it is difficult for men to get married.
     
  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think your upbringing has both indian values and western values blended..

    Indian values suggest you to adjust and stay in marriage and forget about your wishes and wants, by putting family first.

    Western values suggest you to think about your well being and wants and comforts so that you can care yourself first. If you are happy, then you can make everyone around you( family) happy.

    Its confusing and tough!! All the best OP.
    Do you think marrying someone from west who had same upbringing as you or a westerner put you out of this dilemma?
     
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    That is his perception.

    This is your perception.

    How does it matter where his extended family lives? How do you know things will be hard for him if you leave him and he is more worried about his public image? If so, why is he not making any effort to make it work?

    You are making a lot of assumptions which may or may not be true. I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty. If he is ready to face the consequences of separation by not keeping you happy, then, why carry guilt in your heart? If you are carrying guilt, it only means one thing, i.e. you are not fully convinced about your separation. You can't justify your separation as well as guilt at the same time.

    Viswa
     
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  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    I am overthinking it. All this conversation, really helps me put things back into perspective (without going back to my counselor and spending more money). Previously, when I brought up divorce, these are things (that I feel guilty about) would prevent me, or be brought up as reasons on why I should try my best to stay and make things work. I've internalized this and now they have to be naturally drawn out and evaluated (and eliminated). Each day, I am getting more comfortable with my decision. The guilt I feel for my son has also relieved considerably, because I am no longer emotionally volatile and can give him the attention he needs.
    Thank you for your post.

    @YoGirl - Nailed it. I'm not the only one who struggles with this - I think every 1st child in an immigrant family ends up with a lot of mixed messages. To answer your question, maybe, but I really don't know.
     
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