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Guilt To Initiate Divorce

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by BhumiBabe, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. Iravati

    Iravati Platinum IL'ite

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    Bhumi,

    Do you have any intimate friends to whom you can confide your dilemma and seek counsel? You need counsel from friends who are familiar with your quirks and can ascertain your strengths and weaknesses in case you are challenged on self-assessment. I am an online stranger. If I am critical of your situation based on your gleaned narrative, I may be mistaken for being uncooperative to your untold misery. Talk to your friends, disclose to them that you are choking inside with confused pain and suffering. Anyway, here is what I think.

    Broadly, everyone fits into 'resigned' or 'resilient' category when it comes to combat and decision making. I don't know which category you belong to.

    Resigned
    will succumb to the circumstances as they are averse to change with fearful reluctance or prolonged patience. They will fabricate reasons, they are prone to self-deception, they erect replenishable forbearance, and eventually they find happiness. Mind you, eventually they do reconcile to their status quo with reason or persistence and forge happiness.

    Resilient
    quickly adapt to willed situations. They may take foolhardy or unwise decisions, nevertheless, they don't mull over the past and readily embrace change. Good or bad, wise or foolish, they move on in life once they make up their minds. They are upbeat of their prospective future.

    Both kinds find happiness in their own ways. The confusion arises when you act maladapted to your strengths. If you are 'resigned' and you split up, you will explode your head with migraines on unrealized attempts to save your marriage. If you are 'resilient' and you chose to stick, you will wallow in your inability to adjust to the circumstances. What are you? Note: These are not predefined or preconfigured or immutable states or terms . I am using broad terms to drive a point home that you need to discern your ingrained personality quirk.

    Ok, this is why I stated that you need your friends because when online strangers don't mince words, they squander that agreeable charm in public. Let's be frank here. Just you and talking like buddies here after couple of drinks.

    Do you really think your in-laws would rue your absence? Your husband will find someone else, your in-laws will adjust to her, your kid will grow up, he will leave for college, he will tell his mates casually that his parents divorced, he will fall in love, his life moves on, your in-laws may recall you once in a while 'bhumi used to make nice halwa', that recollection will diminish over a period of time, your husband and in-laws will move on with their lives, they will still be fond of you with no bad blood, but eventually they will get busy with their lives, you are replaced, life moves on for everyone". Your guilt though heartfelt and genuine is misplaced. This is not specifically about your in-laws but in general how people propel themselves from a setback. Everyone moves ahead, one direction, ahead.

    I don't know your reasons for seeking separation. I won't comment whether you should proceed or recede. I wanted to comment on your subordinated inquiry and did that with (1) Know about yourself before you take important decisions in life (2) Don't assume that people will condole anyone's loss for eternity.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2017
    prestine, Laks09, vaidehi71 and 5 others like this.
  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    @Iravati
    Nice post. I have tried to keep my friends out of this, because to be honest, they are all too far away to get involved. They love me and support me, and have really encouraged me to leave since the beginning, since they knew that I was unhappy. Most of my close friends are unmarried, and none of them have children, so it's difficult for them to really counsel me about this. The cousins who are married seem to be in the Resigned category, so despite the hardships they may face in their own marriage, they are willing to trudge along.
    This distinction is particularly helpful, because I don't believe I can fit in the Resigned category, so I must become Resilient.

    I needed to hear this. Possibly, my mother does too. We're both alike in feeling guilty about this - and she has seen the crazy first hand. In the long game, what I decide now will benefit everyone. It might not seem like that at the moment, but you are correct. They will find another DIL and H will find someone that works for his lifestyle and goals. Thank you, this post is gold.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I remember that I was on the same boat as you a few years back. I even wrote a thread here, asking from divorced people on what exactly made them divorce.

    While discussing with the other divorcees, I felt that I am actually not ready - and never ready for a divorce, but it was my reaction to some or the other problems going on in life.

    Now that, after overcoming that phase, and living in a smooth marriage, I am happy that I didn't make that choice in a haste that time.

    Of course, my case was very different from yours.... But I just relate to the situation where you are in today.

    If you are truly into the divorce mode, I think you may not feel bad or guilt about leaving your H, and in laws this way.
    This attachment (this may not be love or emotional) is an indicator that there are so much behind what you have thought about or shared here.
    With this, it is very difficult to start a new life without any resentment.
    Its also equally difficult to accept a new partner in your H (that time your ex H's) life.
    In between, your child and his needs for both parents down the life will pop up...
    There would be events where you are expected to attend as couples (like wedding etc) and that may make you miss your marriage (may be not the husband).

    I don't ask you to put your decision into the garbage and start living your marriage. It is difficult.
    Since you have decided this way, I urge you to wait with the same mode and see how it goes. If you continually feel the same regardless of all the changes that time will bring in your life for over a year or so... then it is time to implement it.
    But most likely, things change with time. We don't feel the same about each other, or even about ourself the same way we felt earlier.
    Don't hurry... Just wait and watch...
     
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  4. AquaK

    AquaK New IL'ite

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    @Bhumi,
    How old is your son... Please reconsider your decision of divorce.. Please try to sort it out any issues between your husband and you.. I would have given another advice, But if you have a child, please reconsider..

    1. look at the positives of you Husband, positives of staying in this marriage.. Your child needs both of you. Handle the situation looking at the bigger picture.. I had been in similar situation. I have faced the worst of situations... but...At one point I decided enough is enough and said I cannot live like this anymore...lived separately... But considered staying together thinking child will have to shuffle between 2 homes... which is not good...Things change , people change...try to stay calm... and start believing in G-d ...now over 22 years in this marriage and I am glad I reconsidered , for our child...and we are a happy family now....
    Breaking a marriage is easy .. but building a great home, healthy home for your child will be tough at times... But if you look back.. you will be happy..

    2. Your Child will be happy if you stay together...

    Negatives of Divorce

    1. Your child will be shuttling between two homes, Once he grows old, he will yearn for his parents to be together...
     
  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    @SGBV - I will take my time with my decision, but I think it is important to be ready to take the next steps. My attachment to this life partly stems from the alternate life that I created to deal with my marriage (the one my husband doesn't fully know about - nothing nefarious, a small business). Leaving him, means I don't get to pursue that. The other, is the dream of the perfect family and home. I like the image I cultivated, at least for my son. To me, it often feels like a lie. But this all takes me to the real problem, I really miss being honest with people and speaking my mind. I think that's my big driving force to wanting to leave. I want a companion, someone to share my thoughts with and simply enjoy the comforts of home. I want to have an intimate relationship that leaves me with a smile on my face for no reason. I want to be able to talk to my friends positively about my life, my husband, my home. Nowadays, the only reason I want to go home is to be with my son, I don't want to deal with my husband or try to have small talk with him. I am already getting freaked out at the thought of going on a vacation together.

    I'm not normally a jealous person, but one of my coworkers, was pleasantly surprised and pleased that her husband was dropping by (during the work day) to just say 'hi'. I know for certain, I wouldn't feel like that if my H came over, and it made me sad, that this is the life I resigned myself to.

    @AquaK - My ds is 2.5, which is why I feel like I am on the clock. I don't want to wait until he's older, because older children have a tougher time with divorce.
     
  6. AquaK

    AquaK New IL'ite

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    @Bhumi ..
    I have seen a case of my relative.. she div-orced when her dd was 3, in fact if they both would have adjusted a bit, they would have had a better life... Then after 3-4 years she married another person, who was worst than the previous one..had another child and again divo -rced.. and now I can tell, she regrets... sometimes That's what is in store for that person... But if we try hard.. why not make the same situation better...now two kids life was hampered.. they shuffle between 2 homes... and to avoid lone-liness.. has an affair with a married man... older dd is now in her twenties....
    Sometimes... Its the fa-te that we have to deal with.. Its like the only situation that your are trying to escape.. is what is in store for you...

    Looking at her situation also I decided .. not to end my marriage... it was lot of hard work.. but now it was all worth it... I use to feel bad .. when someone's DH would send them flowers at work too... but trust me things change.. How about instead of expecting something... you do for him or plan for a movie.. or go out together... what you are looking for , or what you are missing is... you might find with you DH...and life would be beautiful again.
     
  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Despite what people say, I think it is infinitely more difficult to end a marriage than to stay in one. I have been staying here, and have almost gotten comfortable with the situation. I've gotten accustomed to not love and not smile. It's not the flowers that I need, but it is the satisfaction that I made the right decision. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't think that "working it out" will produce a different result. I would regret staying too.

    I am glad that you have found satisfaction in your marriage, despite the difficult start. I honestly think that's the important part.
     
  8. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, if u don't mind can I ask u few things.
    U need not answer here but write the answers for urself
    1) what are the positives in ur husband
    2)what are his negetive
    3) positives of staying in the marriage
    4) negetive of staying in the marriage. Now weigh both positives and negatives.
    If u can bring changes from negetive to positive.
     
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  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    even I was angry in my marriage for many years that time I didn't understand.Now when I look back I was angry because my husband was not treating my parents well.Once he starts to treat well then a lot of anger on my husband was gone and myself started to feel better.
    Marriages won't survive or happy if one set of parents are not treated well.People have to understand this.
    Two main reason is important to you are treating your parents well and giving you respect.Those are main things, once those things are achieved then your resentment towards him will go down,
     
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  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    These are great questions. I think I am past this point now. It's really not about staying or leaving. I just wanted to resolve the guilt I felt about breaking up a family - specifically feeling guilty because my In-laws are staying with us, and I can see that they suffer during every fight. They are old and emotionally distraught on an average day, and they have drank the koolaid about thinking that all of these are minor grievances - which is exactly what my husband believes as well, because of them. I don't feel anger for their beliefs, I just can't conform to them anymore. It makes me sad to hurt them because of it, but Iravati's answer really helped me see that my guilt is not necessary.
     

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