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Guilt To Initiate Divorce

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by BhumiBabe, Oct 9, 2017.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    I'm back.... Great. I thought I was done with all this, but I do have another question for all of you.

    My in-laws have been living with me, for the past 6 months, and despite everything, I have no problem with them. My husband, occasionally tries to fix our marriage, but it's always a slippery slope with him, because there's always a problem that disturbs him, and ends saying things like "if you change, everything will be fine" or "listen to what I say, or you should leave". Throughout this time, I gave my honest attempt to fix the marriage, though, my interest toward my husband has definitely decreased. And I don't mean just physically - I have ignored his negative words and scolding so much, that I have started ignoring him, all of him as a person. This is definitely not good for a healthy marriage, and I recognize it, so I mentally decided that I want a divorce, and started planning and preparing accordingly. (my parents are onboard)

    When I tried to start the conversation of our marriage (not divorce, mind you) with my husband (and his family and my parents), it seemed to explode and seemed like there was no resolution. Basically, my husband and his family, believe there are no issues with this marriage that time will not extinguish. My parents and I felt like there was enough issues that it's only going to repeat, again and again, yearly (because that's what happens). But, somehow, what I said must have lit the fire under my husband's butt, because now he seems to be trying to return to my good graces and surprisingly, was polite to my parents for the past 24 hours. :fearscream: And this isn't the only thing. I feel really sorry for my in-laws, because they genuinely believe that things will just get better in 10-15 years, and they are old and physically suffering and they are away from their home in India (where there's a lot of things that are going on that make them super anxious).

    So, I am at this weird place where I am physically feeling guilty (nausea, migraine, anxiety attacks) for wanting a divorce, because I don't believe that our marriage will improve. I honestly feel like I will resent my life, if I stayed here. But at the same time, there's a lot of people (husband, son, inlaws) who will be surprised and hurt by my initiation.

    The real question is not about whether I should get a divorce or not, that's on me. But for those who have divorced, how did you deal with the guilt? I feel really bad for hiding everything, and portraying a fake face, until I get my bearings. Clearly, everything would be easier if my in-laws weren't here, but I also want to do this with them here, so that my husband has support. It feels unsporting to leave him alone.
     
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  2. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress Platinum IL'ite

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    No guilt. H behaves worse than Devil. (At least Devil has enough intelligence to keep his wife happy for sake of his spawn, i.e. child)

    Seems you have feelings for this loser. If he had other options he would leave you in heart beat. If he was slim, healthy, had good income trust me he would have affair and /or leave you. Plus he'd probably give a portion of your income to this other woman.

    But then again it is easy for me to give this advice because divorce was forced by G-d. After miscarriage I was no longer doormat. I threw him out of room. And when he raised his hand I called police. Now he's struggling as truck driver, only gets home cooked food from temple.

    To answer your question no guilt. But if people ask me how is my husband I pretend I'm still married and make up some story.

    Who the phuck cares. Do others care about you?

    Whether you initiate divorce or not is up to you.
     
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  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Most of the time, I don't feel guilty. The guilt was really strong when I was at home this weekend, and my son was having fun with everyone. It's not an average weekend, but I feel bad that I am taking this life from my son. Of course, at the same time, he has to deal with the fights, too, so he would also benefit from leaving the high-conflict household.
     
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  4. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress Platinum IL'ite

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    You'll give him a better life that will become the average weekend if you leave this jerk. It's up to you.
     
  5. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy Platinum IL'ite

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    Highly recommend waiting to initiate the divorce until you are no longer guilty and don’t feel physically uneasy. My friends that divorced did not have an ounce of guilt and one of them actually felt better physically, health wise. She got along really well with the inlaws and has stayed in touch even after the separation. But there was/ is no guilt whatsoever.
    Start off with a temporary separation maybe ? A slow transition for the son as well.
     
  6. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel u have a soft corner for ur husband. Can u wait for few months and see if he has really changed for the better .
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I think you still love your husband and has feelings for him. So I don't think you are ready for divorce.

    I strongly suggest you to give your 100% to the marriage and try your best to accept him and see his positives, but with the boundaries clearly defined. Give some more months.no one is perfect ..if it won't work, then you will not have any guilty feeling that you didn't try your best and may be able to walk out of marriage if you wish to. You might have tried it ready, but you are the best one judge your situation. It is easy to break something,but difficult to build one.

    When you are ready there will be no feelings, not even guilty one.. that time also try to live separate for a few months before going to file divorce. If you are ready 100%, you will just file it, nothing will bother you..
     
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  8. eternalnomad

    eternalnomad Bronze IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe I can sense how conflicted you are feeling at the moment. It would seem that you and your husband are starting off on different levels - you believing there are issues with the marriage that need to be addressed/worked on and your husband thinking you are overreacting to some extent perhaps? Perhaps cultural differences can explain this. I think it's perfectly natural to feel guilt, after all it's a decision that affects more than just yourself. But consider this: if you could wake up tomorrow and you were divorced (without all the legal and other complications to worry about) and did not have to deal with these issues any longer, would you be happy, content, relieved, sad, disappointed, depressed?? There is no right answer but it will help you figure out how you really feel. Do you feel that your efforts to work on this marriage will bear fruit, in the long term?

    As Sandycandy suggested above, I think a trial separation might be worth at least considering. If nothing else, it'll let your husband know that you are serious about changing some things and perhaps jolt him into action.
     
  9. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, dear BB! Glad to get a life update from you
    Well, I wasn't divorced per say, but I will tell you a story of me walking off from a relationship that didn't work for me anymore.
    When I was 18 I met this exceptionally beautiful young man, intelligent and funny. He was from my dad's community and we both lived in America and immediately hit it off. We fell in love and we have been together for two-something years thru thick and thin. I met his family, he met mine and they were looking forward to see us married.We looked like a perfect couple to everyone and I thought so too. Then one day he asked me to marry him, which was expected by everyone and our families (more like his family) started preparations for the wedding. And here, after I got a ring on my finger, I realized that I didn't want to be married to this man. We loved each other, but our relationship was pretty explosive. He was possessive and often selfish, I never held back and our fights were ugly. Then, our relationship would be perfect until the next fight. We were both terrible at compromising. I guess it was fun at this age to have this rollercoaster of emotions, but I wasn't ready to have it in my home for the rest of my life. I was overwhelmed with doubts and I asked my dad for advise. He said that if I know that he is not what I want, then I should break off the engagement as soon as possible. And I did. And I never looked back.
    There were many people who were hurt by my decision, including his parents. Apparently, they invited all their relatives to come from India. They already arranged a lot of things... I felt bad, because they were always very nice towards me and treated me with love and respect. My boyfriend was heartbroken too. We broke up soon after and hadn't talked to each other for many years. I was heartbroken too, because I did love this man. Unfortunately, love is not enough to build a strong marriage.
    It's just sometimes you have to choose yourself over everyone you will disappoint. And it's wonderful that your parents support you.
    From my experience, many of divorced women I know, were in doubt and pain when they made a decision to get a divorce. Especially, it is the case if there was emotional abuse involved, it makes it harder for women to leave. My friend said she felt pain after divorce for the whole month and only then she started feeling happy and free. Despite all this, none of divorced women I know regretted their decision. This is just something that knew they had to do, ignoring emotional discomfort at the moment. The most difficult step is the first one.
    Was just my little input... I wish you luck, no matter what decision you make :)
     
  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    @WiseAgnes - Thank you for your story. It's the roller coaster of emotions that makes this very complicated. I don't have a whole lot of love for my husband, but I have been trying to stay and tolerate for so long, it's become the norm. Also, I grew up viewing divorce as a last option, and really not an option. For the past 2 weeks, it has been a cold war with daily messages of "his way or the highway", but after this weekend's huge fight, my husband has entered his nice phase again. He still doesn't talk to my parents, but he isn't storming around like he has some all consuming housework to complete. I've been asking him to take me to the movies for the past 3 months, but only this week, he is suddenly motivated to take me to a movie, AND it's a movie of my choosing. It's things like this, that makes me feel guilty, because I made my decision and want to move on, but he's willing to stay and make it work for our son. But it's a cycle. When he is stressed, he begins feeling inferior, and then has to put me down or control me, to feel better. And once there is a huge fight that requires family intervention, he comes back to normal and wants everything to be lovy-dovy. I am empathetic enough to recognize that this is also a genuine feeling for my husband, but he is also the same person that keeps wanting to kick me out of the house, for disobeying his commands.

    For those who recommended to wait, I have been waiting... I don't want to get more entrenched and make it more damaging for my son. It's not just the actions that need to change, it is the way he is, that I don't believe he can change. My MIL said something along the lines of, 'he is taking you to vacations and buying you food, and he buys you gold. What more do you want?' I don't usually know what to say, because of course, my basic physical needs are covered. But those vacations usually end up with a fight, and usually about something innocuous like eating at a restaurant that serves American food and not Indian food. We hardly have anything to converse about, and it's usually just about our son. I feel selfish to want more than this, but I think I deserve more than this.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2017
    WiseAgnes likes this.

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