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Greedy Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Vedhavalli, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    I have hi-bye relationship with my inlaws.
    They never helped me or respected me as a dil in entire 7 years.
    Neber ever showed some affection/ love towards my DD who happens to be thier first grandchild and only grandchild till date.
    We make FaceTime every week, where they would want to see my DD just to tell neighbors and relatives that we talk.

    Since we live in US, whatever work we have back home(bank, loan other paper work) they don't think a a second, straight away call my parents and dump on them without our knowledge.
    SIL ( my husband's sister) is married and lives in the same house with PIL. They completely take care from food to housing.
    She doesn't cook, clean only works and come back home to enjoy tv and go out on weekends.

    If we go out, or my DH send pic of our outting. She immediately tells " why spending money" we can visit places when we visit you. Makes sure we visit the same place when they are here. 2 times she visited us here, made me go thru hell.
    I stopped interacting much after she came and caused a choas.
    Now, the main reason of the post is she always wants money.
    She thinks it's luxury life we are leading here. She herself saw how we struggle here with single income and with H4 I can't work.

    My DD used to go to private school, we had to shift to a 2bhk house.
    Every one in Bay area knows how much rents we have to shell.
    Yesterday after the FaceTime, she is asking more money because whatever my husband sent is not enough.
    Every month they want 500$ !!!
    Already for a decade my DH is paying the following
    1) my DH pay thier internet bill, phone, electricity bills.
    2) pays insurance
    3) all thier medical bills and medicine
    4) gifts for cousins, relatives on thier function and weddings in the name of inlaws (not ours)
    5) gave 25 laks for building PIL house
    6) gave 5-6 laks for sister wedding
    7) gave them 4 laks in hand when we visited them last
    All these aren't enough for them

    Now we have left with no savings , forget investments. I'm terrified about our future and kid's.
    I don't know how to tell my DH that his parents are greedy.
    Why they can't ask rent from thier daughter who lives in thier house in separate portion? Or cast her out rent someone else if they can't take money from daughter.

    They haven't bought a single dress for my DD in all these years.
    People who have interacted with my DD for only few times like her. My mil never lifted DD saying back pain when DD was 3 days old. How much 3 day old child, first grandchild can weigh??
    But she is ready to come in 23 hrs non stop flight , shops floors of malls.. then back pain vanishes.

    Just vent. Tell me how to cut her from asking more money. I'm tired of fighting with my DH .
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2018
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  2. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    You have spoiled them with money now obviously want more, is your FIL and MIL don’t have any retirement income ? If your IL’s have retirement you should stop the money completely and start investing that money in a retirement account.

    [​IMG]
     
  3. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Silver IL'ite

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    First sit and explain to your husband and ask him to stop sending 500$ , and all gifts cash etc.. let him pay the bills and 250$ for there monthly expenses.(no rent no bills so 250$ is more than enough for 2 )

    Make him to invest in 401k ,office shares, and saving for your daughter in a bulk amount every month, saving for buying house in usa( initial payment )

    Invest more than taking cash in hand...don’t think about sil ,affection etc...hi bye relationship is always better.
     
    sindmani and Sunshine04 like this.
  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op,

    You need to look at the other side of coin..

    For your MIL...
    1.. you dont have to take care of her or FIL day in and day out. But her daughter and SNIL are there everyday, hence the seva for them and hence not asking for money. Another reason is, in most Indian traditions, in-laws dont ask for money from daughter or SNIL.
    2.. when elders(parents or inlaws stay in same house), there are soo many daily expenses and impromptu events/visits/repairs ..etc which do cost money in one way or the other.
    3.. A husband or son is made to feel guilty in India for not taking care of parents in old age( thanks to the indian upbringing and the wealth/property inheritance only to guys and the tradition to carry forward the family name).
    4.. PILs or anyone for that matter would like to have some money in hand to spend for any unforseen expenses. What you listed takes care of predefined expenses, but not money at hand.

    That being said.. in the name of equality.. we try to maintain it between son and daughter.. but ideally.. it wont be until next gen that this can be implemented..

    Look at the brighter side,
    1.. you are not staying with them everyday. Hence your life is peaceful.
    2.. they are comfortable with their daughter right beside them. You can stay in US without any tension and need not book last min urgent flights in case of emergency.
    3..they might be visiting you now, but with old age it will stop sometime in the future.
    4.. $500 is not a big amount in today’s Indian lifestyle. It is merely enough..


    Your issue seems to be the rift that they have with you..and the behaviour with your child. PILs can never be your parents. There will be disagreements..incompatibility.. etc.. esp when you are not talking to them and just saying hi-bye. They want to make sure you dont enjoy a good life while they are sufferring with their son being away..

    If you dont want to give $500, then move back to India and take care of them physically in same house. I am sure you dont want to do that!!
     
    pinkydarling likes this.
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Stop revealing everything to your inlaws. Don’t send any pics to them.

    And regarding gifts , I don’t think it’s required to gift them every time you visit India.
    I have seen many of my relatives gift only the first time they visit India after moving abroad.
    Take some chocolates if needed.
    If you stop giving gift for one person, other person might get angry. So better stop once for all.
    And some even prepare big list to get stuffs from US. Charge them without feeling any guilt!
    Afterall it’s hard earned money!

    If you are not attending the function for any reason , no point in gifting , unless they are very close to your DH.

    Start saving for your future , sending money for genuine reasons like Hospital, medicines etc is fine , but not for someone else luxury ( Relatives)
     
    sindmani and Vedhavalli like this.
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Let go of this 500$. Its It's your husband's responsibility to provide for his parents
     
  7. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Who’s responsibility is the OP’s parents, is Vedhavelli DH sending $500 to her parents ?
     
  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    She can always send for her parents.
     
  9. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s not a question of she can always do it, is she doing it ?
     
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ask her
     

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