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Give Me Some Suggestions

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by meename, Jul 19, 2017.

  1. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    Yet to get ead status . Even if i work , i ll be slogging in kitchen . No sharing of work
     
  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    It is a tough situation. People have the tendency to keep testing boundaries n push n push to see how far it can go. They stop only when stopped.

    So far..
    You can't study
    You don't want to work, as it will only double the work for you, home n office.
    You want to take a break but you feel your child won't be without you.
    You just want your hubby to help out and more importantly stop criticising.

    Few suggestions ..
    You have to convey all your feelings to him.

    Tell him that his way of treating you or criticising you is making it all worse. Also suggest options like stop complaining, Help out when possible, Order food when you aren't well, n just some kind words can go a long way. Say it doesn't feel ok to be criticised at all times and feel overwhelmed. Say you really want your relationship to be peaceful n happy instead of all the negative things. N so on n on. Pour your heart out And make sure it conveys your feelings rather than like a complaint letter. Use any points to make it real and gets his attention.

    If doing this face to face will cause arguments, write a letter n give it to him.

    Also taking a break would help, go on a few days trip somewhere close by leaving the kid with your dh. Think of it as a father n child time and a chance for them to bond together n build a relationship. It's still not too late for them to learn to spend time together.
     
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  3. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi ashneys,
    Even though i would be super tired , i would like to go for work as i will have some identity ..
    Today i talked to him my issues. His reply was ok .. here after i ll not tell u to cleam the house . I will cook by meself but never talk to u .
    Finally his dumbhead not getting my points. Cleaning is not a problem . But i was feeling feverish . N it is his house too . Y the hell cant he arrange kid toys
    His expectations are i ve to cook , take xare of baby , clean even if i ve fever while sir will be watchinf news channels.
    From talking to him i understood one thing. His dumbhead wont understand anything.
    Though cooking 4 meals a day , he ll complaining i m cooking name sake .
    For months together i ve been explaining him. Here after i ll limit my time in kitchen by morning . I ll try going walks , gym , searching job , painting.
    All i can do is pray god n ask karma to teach him lesson
     
  4. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    First i ll leave for half day n see. He just puts videos on tablet n gives to her. I m damn sure he wont feed her anything

    He feels that children are mothers responsibility. He ll not allow me to go trips alone
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2017
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Then I guess it's better for you to start working. That way it won't feel like you need him to "allow" or need his permission for everything.

    If he says ok I wil clean, I will cook, n will not talk, say 'ok. Thanq for understanding'. Don't say anything more. If he throws tantrums, don't acknowledge it.

    If he doesn't understand when you are conveying it nicely, and you have tried arguing before too, So now try to not talk for a while. Maybe some peace n quiet will help.

    He should understand that marriage works with two partners not with one boss.

    Regarding your child, They won't understand anything or feel responsible when it's a short duration, because you will come bak in some time to fix it. But when it's a longer time, the responsibility sets it. So he should feel that.

    You have listened to him n lived by his ideologies for years n it hasn't gotten you anywhere but just miserable. Maybe it's time for you to experiment being an average to poor worker but see how good you feel about yourself when you do what you want.

    When in doubt, ask yourself if you are ok to continue living like this even when you are 40-50.
     
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  6. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    First, stop cooking hot meals 4 times a day. Cook whenever you feel like, eat leftovers a few times of the week and make time for yourself and the kid.

    You are not doing any good to the kid by leaving her with your husband knowing very well that he would not take care of her well. Try to reduce the time you spend on ither things and make time for your kid. You wont be as tired then. Working or studying increases your self confidence. Its just a matter of time. Once your kids starts going to school, you will have some free time.
     
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Couldn't agree with @ashneys more ! You really need to focus on yourself and be financially independent . Let the DH ( meant dear husband, not dumb head) not talk , better than getting into arguments. He has been pampered and had his way for too long. Do you have some money saved up during your years of working in India ? You can use that to study ? Also working or studying with a child will be ok if you do not have to cook four meals a day or clean up after the husband.
    You don't have to fight or get into arguments but you have to reiterate your position in the marriage. Good luck with everything !
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, like others said once you go back to work, most of your problems will be solved. That can be used as an excuse for many issues. You can seek help of day care, your job also will help you to schedule your life better and give you energy to utalise your time more efficiently. Like many Indian husbands, your dh is taking you for granted and believes that he is earning for family and you are simply sitting in home.

    From whatever you have written, complaining and explaining will not work. You know you dh well, so try to observe what works with him and plan accordingly (use your brain not emotions, your objective should be to get the work done). If he complains, completely ignore or walk away. If you think you need to talk back you can tell like (please modify , important, talk in a calm cool way with neutral face) ' you are not appreciating what I do. This is what I can do, If you think you can do a better job, do it your self'.. If he say he will do.. let him do it.

    I have faced similar complaints, I even told my dh that I am not his servant, I will do cleaning when I feel like doing and if he wants to clean he can do it.. But in my case these talks didnt help much. So I started ignoring him but gave him silent reactions ( I know it is too much).. For example , if he complains about cleaning which I think is unreasonable , I will not clean for one week (sink will be full, toys will all over, everything as such, I dont even lift a small paper). .so he will notice the reaction. (he slowly stopped it as he knows there is be a strong reaction to every unreasonable complaint). To me these kinds of complaints are highly irritating as I know I am doing the best I can ( I am a working mom with two kids living in USA)

    If he dont offer you help, ask your dh to help. But modify the way you ask . Can you help me with 'this'. or I need a help from you, can you do it.. If he say he will do it and dont come .. then ask him at what time do you think you can help me.. and remind him again. Thank him he helps you (is should sound like he did a big favour). Ask him to take care of your baby while you cook, and he dont do .. offer what ever you a have with pickles. It is also a reaction. Ignore his complaints..

    But I believe lot of your issue can be solved by re scheduling your life. Do detailed cooking /cutting veggies etc .. in weekends when you dh is in home .. ask him to take of baby during this time. Do washing clothes etc only in once in a week or once in two weeks. Ask your dh to wash/fold his clothes himself. Cook light meals on week day and use left over.. Dont spent too much time on kitchen. Use dish washer. (see IL forum for minimalist cooking tips)..Schedule time table for your kid and stick to it.. Include time for you to relax (it is very important, keep music on while you work, find time to take care your health, beauty and relaxation, eat and dress well even when you stay home.. boost your confidence)..

    The last but not the least .. Stop expecting anything from your dh. You also should stop complaining.. Expectations kill happiness. Stop doing his stuff. Completely focus on you and your kid. Just imagine your dh dont exist (if he is not there what you will do, do that). Completely ignore his complaints . Create a world for you and your kid. You are doing your duty. When you stop expecting your mind will reach a peaceful state I believe. Stop linking your happiness to dh. Cook for you (plus kid), clean for you and if your dh like it let him eat it if not order from outside. Dont over do anything.. Take care yourself. You should be your first priority. If you are not happy, you cannot make anyone happy.

    Anyway, think about it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2017
  9. luckysangeetha

    luckysangeetha Gold IL'ite

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    first take off the feeling that you are a maid.secondly u r doing it for ur child,hubby and your home so how can you be a maid?? Talk to him in a nice way n say it openly to manage things.may be go out for a dinner.then next ur absent mind cones becomes is because u r preoccupied with lot of thoughts.u rnt focused may be try a yoga class or some dance class search in youtube and vent out with some dance or do a relaxing meditation for 15mins without any disturbance and d energy will be up..
     
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  10. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    @meename, don't lose hope. The truth is that he feels that he is slogging it out and you are "taking it easy", as WiseAgnes has said, if you start working, you will feel better. It is lucky that you are abroad, at least you have opportunities, in India, it is difficult, considering their working style. If you cannot get a job, wait patiently for sometime. I was pretty frustrated when I landed abroad for the first time, being dependent made it worse. I can see how my relatives who came here experience the same problems. My cousin's wife is a SAHM and she was asking me about shopping when she came to our house a few days back. My cousin came over when she was talking and after that I don't know what happened, the next time she visited us she was exceptionally quiet and anger/sadness was writ on her face. Looks like he instructed her not to discuss any shopping with me. The truth is he made it after a lot of pressure with his limited resources and ability, to foreign shores, he restrained himself and curbed his spending and he feels she is living off of him. The poor girl is feeling constrained, but at least I guess he is not that rude to her and she is a lot more patient. So they are getting along. Yes, it is the indifferent attitude of the spouse that irritates and pains. But for your own sake, get over it or else it will only get worse.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2017

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