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Getting pulled between 2 decisions

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by USA2012, Jan 14, 2012.

  1. USA2012

    USA2012 New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    I am in the most confusing state of mind while going through a bad mariiage.
    I am a mother of 2 & 1/2 yrs old & married for 8 yrs.
    I have 2 bad situattions & have to select any one out of those.( may be the one that is "less bad")

    1) either live with an abusive husband & call it a complete family ...so that my child gets love from both the parents (but also gets exposure to his domestic violence/ verbal abusement/ breaking of glassware, furniture etc) and no damage to my parents reputation in India

    OR
    2) get divorced & start breathing again/ get liberty to take my own decisions........but face all the challenges of single parenthood/ give an incomplete family to my child?

    please help me in my last stage of decision making.these questions come to my mind 100 times in a day. I would appreciate if other single moms can throw some light on my following confusions.

    1) Is the life very challenging when you handle it single handedly?
    2) Do the children of single parent develop differently from kids of complete family?
    3) Do people look at the single mom differently?in USA or in India?
    4) Is it posible to file for your divorce on your own without hiring a lawyer? I am planning to take intial advice from a lawyer but want to file on my own.
    5) How do you handle questions asked by your child about your ex?

    Thanks in advance.
     
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  2. Sinchu

    Sinchu New IL'ite

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    Hi USA2012:

    You have already come to 2 decisions regarding your life.

    As your good friend, I can suggest you to go for the second option. Living with an abusive husband with two little children who are utterely confused by your husband's behavior is really not less then hell.

    I think you are educated if you are not, then please get yourself updated with the latest education.... whatever your age might be... because education to a person makes a lot of difference to oneself and to others...

    Next look for a job... whichever you might get at present.... then after settling you can look for a really good job....

    Regarding your questions:
    1. Yes life will definately change after you handle things/situations single handedly.... initially you will have all the problems coming one after the other.... but take courage..... you never accompanied anyone when you came into this world..... so there is literally very little you can expect from people around you. It is all in you only.... take a few steps on your own..... life will lead you the rest
    2. Your kids are too small to understand the kind of situation you are facing....once they grow big.... they will understand everything by themselves....
    3. People where you are in this universe talk about everyone irrespective of thier status.... so friend dont worry... you are not the only one talked about in this world
    4. Yeah, you can discuss this with the lawyer of your choice... but then you cannot file a case without a lawyer.
    5. Regarding handling kid's questions about your ex.... is entirely your personal....I think it is better to be frank with children... letting to know about thier father...

    I hope dear you will definately listen to your conscience and go ahead.... let god be with you
     
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  3. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Please try counselling for your H , maybe anger management will solve your problems.
    Family counselling can also be tried as then you would have done your best.
    Hope you are working and are financially independent.
     
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  4. newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    First of all my hugs to you. Being in such a dilema myself I can imagine how it is for you. But the decision itself only you can take....no one else can take or tell you take this path.
    Let me give you some of my points and maybe it might help you in making you decision...again I tell you that you are the best judge of your situation and your family so think and act accordingly.

    In my case, I have to admit that my child is getting more quality time from her dad now after me walking out. And she seems to have adjusted well and more happier.... So there is no such thing as a complete family.....do not get bogged down by the false mirage of maintaining a complete family....esp living in an abusive situation and having a child growing up seeing that.

    1. Yes and no. Yes that you are the sole owner and sole person responsible.....and No because you dont have to deal with unwanted abuses, stress, arguments etc etc.
    2. No atleast not in my case. Again this depends on how mean the divorce and custody can get...but still we can turn things around and maintain amicability mostly and always focus on the best interest of our child, then the other parent will sooner or later yield to it. Mine is still not there...but I believe he will be soon....for the child's sake. If one person gives up being mean...how long can the other one be mean...he has to yield at one point or the other. So if you give that chance to him and step up in the way you look at things.....things will be better for sure and its less heartache for you and emotionally you can move on very much. In the end you will be happy, calmer, sane and stable parent if you step up. My policy is the mean and bad person will either learn eventually or God will take care of them. They are answerable for their own deeds. Why should we change to their level or who are we to teach them a lesson in life.
    3. Yes. But again you can decide and keep the friends you want. You don't need every other person you see/meet as your friend...you need some special chosen ones to keep and cherish that friendship. You will learn to deal with this as you go....
    4. Yes you can file on your own, but the stress gets better if you have one. For me even having a lawyer, answering the questions and paperwork was stressful and emotionally drained me out. HAving a lawyer also helps in dealing with an abusive hubby....he cannot make you run around or abuse you more....thats my experience. I Know hiring a lawyer can burn a hole in our pockets. Its upto you to decide that based on your priorities and situation.
    5. Children are smart and they learn pretty quickly. How do you handle questions living with him now and if the child asks you why does my dad treat u like this? Or why is that you both dont love each other? Its similar thing.......

    Hope the answers help and give you some clarity to think and make a sound decision!
    Good luck,
    NB
     
  5. newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    Ha one other thing, since you are in LA, I think legal separation in valid there. So if you want to take a break and give both you and your hubby sometime to think and see if marriage can work, you can try that route too. But again that might cause a big blow to his ego and he might never return back.
    We can all give you suggestions....but think well and you make the decision for your family. Once you make the decision, its tough to undo it.
     
  6. anonymou

    anonymou Silver IL'ite

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    Is your husband ready for either of the options? Is he also in dilemma? If he is also contemplating, but not sure, you two can go for trial separation of 3 months and see how it works for one or both of you.
     
  7. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    if you are in a confusion to dedcide then i would suggest better take some time to think through.go to your parent's place for a couple of months and then think.a little bit of separation is always good.
     
  8. dakshayaeni

    dakshayaeni Silver IL'ite

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    Hmmm.. quite a situation you are in lady. But one of our friends asked a simple question. Is your hubby thinking the same way as you are. Also, as rightly suggested, may be a temporary separation is needed. Mmmmm am thinking of something else, similar to the suggestions though.

    1. Are you working? if yes, then,

    2. Is it possible for you to rent a place?

    3. Is it possible to put ur kids to some day care center and take care of your career?

    If the replies are yes, then, you see, you can try to live by yourself without going thru the painful process of divorce etc. and find out if still you people are in love. If no, then may be you need to come back and start looking for job. Tell us, does your hubby knows that he has a temper? if he knows then I think your problem is almost solved, you need to take a counselor's help then.

    Whatever be the case, like you need to firm, do not be inflexible in life..may god give you strength
     
  9. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    y dont u try avoiding situations which cause his abusive nature? ex: if he scold u then dont give any back answer..this will work out..most of the time u/ he will be at office rest of the time u hav to bear it thts all
     
  10. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I guess you already tried all sorts of things to make your H understand that your kid need loving environment and constant nagging at home will affect them.

    All pros and cons are there in your both decision. It is you who will weigh per your will power. You need lot of will power to deal with this guy.

    Write down all the things that you dont like about your husband ie his bad things. Also the possible solutions. If there is no solution for it...can you avoid such situations only. At the end you have write down his good things.
    Is he good with kid or not. Will your kid be better than having such dad.

    All the best.
     

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