getting angry on husband too for always siding inlaWs/SIL

Worldtraveller · Nov 16, 2013

You all know that i just returned from wedding at my parents place..i had a week spent at inlaws and this time i had prepared myself in advance to not get much hurt...my MIL did all that she used to do earlier, but this time i didnt take it to heart..i did feel very bad for one incident where MIL gifted SIL gold earning in front of me and nothg for me..she kept saying buy a kurti for me..

other big problem is my husband..he ignores all that his mom does and stays quiet..i'm sure he sees a lot of incidents but always takes her side if i say something.So this time i'm not going to complain anything my MIL did...

but my husband has got to a point where he clearly partiate my side of the family and these days his arguments are that he being the boy/brother need to do more that hat i need to do for my family..ofcourse we have always done more toards his family, but he is giving me these arguments for things like gifts etc...we gave his sister good gifts and money during the first day of the visit..then on the last day he again asked me to give cash to his sister...i blasted and told him we gave enough, things should be done in moderation but then he argued...i then said, we just came from my parents house and you did not say anything about gifting anythig to my younger brother who is not even earning yet...he then started, he is the brother and he is supposed to give you...i ended the conersation there as i didnt want to create a scen at inlaws house but i did tell him i do not like his thought process...

i'm working and he is giving me these kind of craps where i'm supposed to get and not give...especially when by brother who is still a student and my parents anyways gives me much more than what i can pay them back...

this time he said this for brother, but i know hes been indirectly saying/telling me for his side of the family which ofcourse i do not buy in....

AmritaPoorni · Nov 16, 2013

Hi Worldtraveller,

I just do not get this point when people say that being a boy he has to look after his parents and all. Don't we girls have any responsibility towards our parents?

My parents has always considered both me and my brother as equals and I feel that even I am responsible for looking after them and taking care of their needs during old age equally as my brother. Even my brother is younger and studying and whenever I plan to buy something for him (Even I am working), my DH is not so happy and I can sense that. He does not say directly but immediately after I think of anything like gifting my brother he will bring out some silly topic and fight with me. I don't care and till now I have gifted my parents and brothers and taken care of their needs when necessary. I have told my DH clearly that my parents are not just my brothers responsibility but mine too as much as his parents are his. So I have made it a point whenever I go to my native I buy gifts equally for my ILs and my parents.

Love,
AmritaPoorni

guesshoo · Nov 16, 2013

Do you have separate accounts? Even if you pool all your money together, just buy whatever you wish for your family. Don't bother arguing with your parochial DH. He isn't going to change. When he utters these stupid thoughts just be dismissive. "Nonsense" and do exactly as you think is right. No other way than make him shut up. The min he sees that he gets a rise out of you, he is going to spew his nonsense with righteous indignation. Be dismissive and act as if his thoughts are laughably outdated.

It happened a bit with me here DH would crib even if I drank a coffee while he could spend anything. I stopped him at one point by looking in his eyes and saying I'd do what I please with my money and he has to back off. If you don't have access to your accounts, that's a different issue to deal with altogether.

in my life when I stopped looking for my DH's approval to spend my money, things changed for the better. DH started following my lead - I guess they are just used to following a strong female and when you become one, I suppose they follow you. It seemed impossible to me but even after I quit working, my DH now ensures that I have enough money to do with as I please. I somehow have a feeling it will work for you too.

Nd123 · Nov 18, 2013

I had similar problems. Since I was earning my inlaws calulated and said you must have extra cash.

Tell your dh that just as traditionally brother gives to sister, husband is supposed to take care of all his wife's needs. So since he wants to follow the traditional way of life, tell him to spend for everything and you will save for your children and their future. And of course please dont forget to mention how lucky you are to get a traditional guy when most guys around expect their wife to contribute equally.

Keep say ing this with an innocent expression and pretty soon he will stop with all this traditional nonsense