Gabfest: And Thereby Hangs A Tail

"Women Don't Belong in Space!" Claims IT Exec!!
"Only Men Can Go To Mars!" - Silicon Valley Engineer - HuffPo
"I bet she voted for Trump!" - Hillary Clinton
"Exec Fired for Saying Women Belong in the Kitchen - On Earth!" - Daily Mail
"That's NOT What I Meant!" protests JAG!

 

JAG is too tired to protest today.

 

Society and peers place too much emphasis on the outcome of parenting and impugn bad parenting for misconduct of the kids. These days when someone says, **"Parents are role models for kids", I find it clichéd and cheesy. These are again poster words that shimmer on wall posters with that sunrise background. Parents certainly have an influence to stroke or nip the disposition and traits that kids acquire. That said, they cannot design their kids to their will. Kids seek all the accessible influences and though parenting is seen as a singular force that controls a kid, such bias is contentious. From guilt or pride, parents like to feel that they have been the moral and emotional directive but there is so much research in behavioural development keeling the age-old belief of a child's psychological and cognitive development from infancy to adolescence that builds up the derived moral and emotional constitution. That's the 'nurture' part.

This article is a marginal case on 'nature', however marginal, it touches upon an important aspect of child psychology. The article is disturbing so if you are faint-hearted, avoid reading it as it deals with psychological disturbances in children detected as early as 2-5 years in loving and well-to-do families. 'Callous and unemotional traits' is also recognised as conduct disorder in DSM-5. Simplified more here.

Metaphors like 'bad seed' may not be a metaphor after all because it may just have been a bad seed in genetic constituency and no measure of gracious nurturing may rewire it. Even if the seed was born blank, that tabula rasa that Locke propounded, good parenting has to contend with the kid's interactions with the rest of the world.

Don't long, search for the facts. Reality may be closer to your expectation. Popular opinion need not always be the right opinion. I didn't say this. Socrates and Alain De Botton said that.

** Or other variants hung up in kirana stores in India that seem to have been lifted from some decaying moral science textbook.

 

@Iravati,

I agree the obsession that parental behavior is considerably influencing the children should be discarded. Perhaps, every child has its own genetic makeup and happened to be in the possession of his/her parents. It is hard (not impossible) for the parents to study the nature of their children to provide any kind of guidance when they don't even understand their own nature.

But those studies about child psychology is very difficult to comprehend also as though the kids were born only to be fixed by the professional psychologists to order. It is becoming a commodity market where the professionals scare the parents much where it hurts the most so that they could develop their profession. The statistics say one out of every two children taken to the Psychologist is diagnosed with ADHD (approximately 11% of the entire children population in the US). What is creating it? Is it genetic disorder or environment or combination of more than one? The studies are dime a dozen but most are oriented towards one outcome i.e to give bad news to the population. It is like drugs that are approved by FDA being pulled out of the market through recall after finding that it causes irreversible impact among the children including suicidal thoughts. How was it approved in the first place and what kind of trials are carried out to begin with?

I came to know in a TV show last night the study conducted recently suggests that consistent brain movement inside the skull when the football players play that hard game causes irreversible permanent damage to the brain despite all those protective gears. The outcome of such damages are considered as uncontrollable anger, permanent loss of memory, lack of discrimination and many more. Now finally they found out a justifiable reason for irrational behavior of the football players such as a) executing a pit bull that lost in a fight, b) killing someone in a point blank range and c) frequent domestic violence. This study could be a gift to great defense attorneys. In order to avoid future liability, the NFL is going to take signature from the players that they understand the risks.

I have come to the conclusion that the children are born with their own genetic makeup. To a certain extent the environment influences their behavior. All parents could do is to try to inculcate a decent human behavior in the children to their best of their abilities. Let them experience the world and learn from it in their own way and make independent decisions. It is more important to watch them grow as good decision-makers.

 

Yes, on reading articles on child psychology such direness engulfs parents. I think the purpose of these articles is two-fold. To dispel common misconceptions on child development. And to popularise recent findings in this field. Knowing about or labelling a behaviour, though unnerving, is still a relief with that psychiatric or medical intervention as that identification is empowering. Earlier, symptoms were loosely studied but today we have integrated diagnosis of a behavioural disorder. I feel these studies are targeted to construe the emergence of human behaviour, again, not necessarily as active remediation. For a parent to know that their kid is disposed to certain asperities in behaviour is of primary concern. Such diagnosis is better to be done from psychologists than anecdotal aunties. The follow-up questions are rhetorical. Was it our upbringing? Was it the environment? Is it pathological? There are many prevailing myths on cognitive and emotional development of a child. Any scientific undertaking is not conclusive for its times but familiarising with the researched symptoms, findings is vital for parents and then comes the counsel and contingent options offered by the psychologists. An intelligent parent should not shy away from knowing the options whilst he may demur the action.

I am not from this field so my understanding is that today we have early screening for behavioural abnormalities, as early as 3-year olds. The rise in ADHD cases is due to prevalence and accessibility of psychological tests than it was few decades ago. That said, many behavioural disorders are now widened into spectral disorders which means there is no binary Y/N but there is proportional disorder which is inherited or cultivated to a degree that its presence is noticeable and rankable in the clinical examination. You could be in low-functioning or high-functioning zone of the disorder. Such stratification in the classification of the disorder has also spiked the incidence.

The unending showdown between genetics (nature) and epi-genetics (nurture) will be the centre-stage in sociobiology. However, parents should shed the guilt for fully being responsible for a child's turnout. There are factors at play that parents may not be privy to. Children assimilate information from all available interactive channels like parents, school, friends and social media. Parents think they sense a lot about their kids. But, sometimes, they hardly do (my personal experience talking to people). Genetics or upbringing, it is challenging to chart the causal behavioural in kids. Parents have immediate authorisation on kids but do they have closest assertion is the point to moot. You can teach your kid whatever you want but the kid will only learn what he/she cares to learn. I am no parent. So, I get worried when I talk about such things as I am afraid that some scrupulous parent might toss a brick at my balderdash for radicalizing the forum or advise me to adopt a kid and then spew the same nonsense.

 

@Iravati,

Well said. As you had rightly indicated earlier, the like button doesn't convey much and hence I am adding these additional comments. There has to be a social drive to impress upon the parents to know their children. Some biological parents associate their children's behavior to either father's or mother's family leaving no room for the children's intellectual capacity to observe and learn from other sources. For adopted parents, even that option doesn't exist. But in real terms, whether biological or adopted, it is hard to know the children unless the parents pay much attention to what they had to say. Thank God, the children sync their thoughts, words and actions well naturally as opposed to some adults who need to relearn that old habit.

Viswa

 

@Rihana

Why should we associate ourselves with either good or bad parenting? Why don't we remain neutral with no credit taken for good behavior or feel responsible for anti-social behavior? It is nothing but a pressure from the society. It is natural for parents to feel proud when their children are referred to as persons of good character. However, should we take all the credit for that? What about the learning curve the children experienced themselves? The insults and disappointments they digested to bring balance to their mind on their own?

When we raise children, we are obligated to care and love them and teach them good moral value as our parents did and as we did to ourselves. The attitude of holding them as a trustee gives that separation we need as they grow. It also helps to let go when they could independently manage themselves.

Crossing the parenting road is a good metaphor but why run the parenting stop light?

 

Today's kids are articulate and smart. Fortunately for parents, it is easier to communicate unless there is an explicit door hanger "Don't ask. If needed, will talk". Over-parenting is tiresome for the couple and seen as impingement by the children. As long as the parents are able to provide finances and stable environs for a child's growth, they can think of themselves of having done a competent job.

We have had all kinds of discussions. But one voice is missing. Remote parenting. Don't we have any parents here who have sent their kids to boarding schools or adults who spent time in hostels as kids. I have never come across this kind in IL. With remote parenting, there is no scope of overseeing the intricate temperament of a kid. However, the kids turn out fine and outstanding. Surely, there must be (now) adults in IL who went to boarding schools.

 

Hey lady! Stop this balderdash! Have a couple of kids and then spew such nonsense. Stop radicalzing this forum!