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Frustrating Life Due To Sick Inlaws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Jasminepetal, Dec 21, 2016.

  1. Jasminepetal

    Jasminepetal New IL'ite

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    I am in terrible state of mind due to my inlaws, mainly because of my co sisters, so i have come here to seek your advice and suggestions.
    Please help me out. My husband has an elder brother, elder sister and an younger brother. All are married. My family and younger BIL family stay in the same area, nearer to my In laws place.
    My MIL/FIl were living few streets away from our house till two years before. When My MIL got sick, FIL couldn't handle her alone, so they often used to stay at our home till she recovered.
    This happened quite a lot of times. at one stage, FIL was not able to handle mIL further stating his age, so moved very next to my house. Though they stay in a separate house,all services needed for them are being done by us.
    I do cooking, my husband takes them to clinic and hospitals. We have arranged maid to clean their home and clothes. Daily me and my husband check them and meet their needs.
    This is going on for two years. I feels like me and husband has no family time , always busy doing our works and taking care of his parents. I feel sick of this routine, Even if we have to go for a cinema we need to ensure that everything is OK with them and then plan for it. Many time, at last moment my husband had to stay at home to attend them, so I end up going to cinema with my kids.
    This life is frustrating. My other BIl and SIL stay in a different city, they often give distance as a reason. My other co sister is not in talking term with inlaws. She is staying closeby, but she refuses bluntly to help them at this stage. what to do? anybody like me here on this forum? How to handle this situation
     
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  2. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey OP,

    It is nice of you to take care of your in-laws when they are unwell. I would have given you suggestions had your in-laws been healthy and they demanded you take care. But as it is, seeing your post, looks like you and your husband are the shouldering the responsibility alone. It is good of both of you to do so but I know how stressful it can be.

    To begin with, you cant force people to come and help you out if they are not willing to do. IMO, I feel it might just lead to a lot of negative feelings between you, them and your in-laws.

    Bu you can always appoint a fulltime maid to take care of stuff in their house and share that expense with your husband's siblings. Create a detailed sheet listing out the expenses and share the expenses with your cosister and their families.

    Also, for a family time, start planning the baby steps...like start with spending atleast half hour everyday with each other, even if it is at 12AM in the morning! Try and plan for small surprises for your husband at home to relieve both yourself and your husband from tension and stress.

    Next time you want to go for movies, ensure you talk to a maid before hand and then plan. Always ensure, there is one paid help available.

    Hope things work out for you!
     
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Whatever you are doing already/the current setup is great, separate houses is good set-up.

    try if Your husbands all siblings can sit and talk about how much help your are doing and how much financial expenses are happening and ask them where and all they can help and how? Your H has to initiate this and first let all themselves talk and then spouses can also join to make their suggestions too.You can keep a list of expenses occurring and also the duties you are doing. let your H Share this with them.

    ex: Your Bil family living close by can bring food for your MIL&FIL on week ends.
    come on weekends and spend time with them, do some shopping whatever is needed for them like medicines, or anything.
    Rearrange some stuff at home etc, make their medicines box ready.
    take them ouside for walks or an eatery place etc. the elderly need to go outside often otherwise depressing.
    so weekends you can take off from their duties.

    other siblings who are far, can come on long weekends/holidays time and live with MIL&FIL and do the same. so holidays off for you

    All siblings can share expenses, by giving money to your H or to MIL/FIL (if they want to manage their expenses) or just estimate and have a fixed amount every month to contribute towards elderly and have a bank account on your fil/mil to deposit.
     
  4. naturalkind

    naturalkind Senior IL'ite

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    OP I just want to say don't worry God will reward you and your children for your good deeds. My mother took care of mil and fil and still takes care of my dads older unmarried sister (none of the in-laws were very nice but they were not nasty too) and in return I feel because of my moms good deeds God blessed us all. I don't want to give you details but just that I feel blessed. And in my parents situation too my dad has 2 elder brothers and 2 elder sisters still my mom is the only one who cared.
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    My parents went through this for many years with my paternal grandmother. My father is the only son in his family so all the responsibility was on him. At that time there were not many options for them except to sacrifice their own family life. Nowadays it is different. You will still have to do a fair share of work, but to the extent you can afford it hire a nursing help. There are agencies that will send people. If you have to go out, get the equivalent of a adult babysitter.
    And talk to your husband's siblings. Even if they don't want to do hands on care they should be willing to chip in otherwise. Guilt trips are fine in this case.
     
  6. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    OP, I would second this, I have seen this personally, out of my 4 mamis (DILs), only one cared good enough with heart to my grandmother (mom's mom) and mom's sister (she had cancer), I remember there were times when all the relatives would be in their home all the time, she would in kitchen in summers all day slogging for making food and doing other things, I have also seen her secretly cry to my MAMAji, complaning that she cant bear this much burden but she did it....everyone used to go to their 2 BHK apartment only....Now at the end of 12 yrs, they are the ones who are the most happy and prosperous....when my grandma and masi have expired, they blessed the family....none of the moms other brothers took care of my grandmother as this uncle did.....I am not suggesting you just forget about family time but REST ASSURED you will be blessed somehow...and try to balance both family time and forget about others who are not interested in caring for your ILs.....blessings and miracles come in unique ways.... I was having tough time getting a job in US, I was working in a small job in veteran affairs hospital here, one day I saw old couple had no money for coffee /food it was very cold and snowing badly, I bought them food coffee, they blessed me, in next few days I got my dream job....I think by telling you all this, I need to get inspired by these beautiful things....I forget to emulate while preaching others :)
     
  7. Jasminepetal

    Jasminepetal New IL'ite

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    thank you beautifullife30, we tried to keep full time maid, but they leave within two months. still we are searching for proper maid, it is not happening. again, maid searching responsibility is solely ours.
    Like you , our relatives and neighbour appreciate us. But, honestly i don't want this appreciation, i need my family life as before. I am tired of this kind of life, mentally and physically. no words to explain my pain.
     
  8. Jasminepetal

    Jasminepetal New IL'ite

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    Money is not an issue. All four are well settles. My bils contribute every month adequately. It is the physical needs for them. that they are not willing to share. Though they stay in a separate home, i feel like staying in same house. As you said atleast weejend support will be of great help. They are not willing. two sibling has to travel 300 kms to our place, not much help is expected from them . each time bil gives some or other excuse. he spend couple of hours in a weekend. thats it. his wife is little adamant to help inlaws. so he uses this as his shield. he keeps telling, "without her help how i will b able take care of mother. she is not like you anni. amma like you than her what to do". literally i didn't know, where I went wrong, servicing has become my responsibility. I have told my husband to send inlaws to bils place, six month or one year on turn, but no one is agreeing to this arrangement, including mil and fil. they are ready to support financially, not physically. so i have to this forum to get suggestions from you ladies.
     
  9. Jasminepetal

    Jasminepetal New IL'ite

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    Sorry to this, I am tired of this kind of appreciation. I don't want to suffer more, hoping one day I would be happy. I see my relative and my sisters living a happy life. This is sulking. Sorry again, I am frustrated to the core.
     
  10. Jasminepetal

    Jasminepetal New IL'ite

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    My anger is Inlaws have three sons and one daughter to share the responsibilities, but why only me and husband always. When they are enjoying their own lives, why we should sacrifice our life alone. Adult babysitters very hard to find it in our place. Even if we arrange, they leave in two months. not easy. I am making up my mind to say no to my inlaws. Not sure how to escape from this.
     

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