1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Frustrating And Lost Hope In Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kurinje, Oct 23, 2019.

  1. kurinje

    kurinje New IL'ite

    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks everyone for your kind messages . I really felt bad for being so negative and lost control. May be moment of weakness and slowly gaining my confidence and trying to ignoring what’s going on with husband and family.
    My husband is not totally bad there are some goodness in him too. When in-laws are not there he never expects me to cook proper food and always ready to get takeaway while coming back from work. I do have domestic help who comes once in a week to clean my house. But I really don’t like any other ladies in my kitchen so never have a cook.
    Also I can never think of leaving my husband or taking alimony even if I have to separate. I really don’t have mental strength to be alone and raise my boys without father. Also I don’t share my personal problems with anyone who is close and caring to me because I don’t want anyone to judge my husband. Since my childhood was not so great I always wanted to have a good family for me and my aunt who has been my moral support always used to say that my second half life would be really good. She kept saying if there is darkness then light would surely come in the other half. I have a good image and not dare to break it to anyone and that’s the reason came here.
    I have seen this pattern that whenever I am down and in need of support my husband would not be there for me. If I am just normal and do my routines without any trouble then he is fine. My in-laws are another reason for his cold behaviour. I was stubborn and didn’t let them to control me during my initial years of marriage so they try to influence and control me through husband. They also use this parent not talking against me like ‘even her parents doesn’t bother about her and what kind of person she is’. I am sure this is what is causing him not to care for me and treat me like this.
    Not really losing all my hope, I have decided to fight for my space and live from my husband again but after my in-laws go back. With this I have decided I will never invite them again here.
     
  2. kurinje

    kurinje New IL'ite

    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    @Shreema86 , thanks dear for giving me courage. May I politely ask you not to refer my husband with such names. It really hurts me to read it. I never wanted to portray him so bad but just vented out here in a moment of weakness. Agree he is cold and ignored me during the most needed time. Still he is my husband and that’s not going to change and I have to give him all the respect.
    Thanks for understanding
     
  3. kurinje

    kurinje New IL'ite

    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Good to read your reply. I had a guilt after posting the thread but yeah I don’t have to be so hard on me. I really had gone through a lot. This depression came mainly because both I and husband were so hurt when I delivered baby who has gone to sleep forever. Very hard to hold him and let him to go. So when I had the third baby who is boy again, I felt so happy and expected similar feelings from hubby and some private time to share our happy moments. Nothing like that happened and on top of it no talk for more than a month. No empathy for all the hard work and lack of sleep. Just treating as if I am just born to go through all these and he lives happily with his parents.

    Anyways my physical work is due to mil. Very hard to deal this woman. She would not even check if I can cook. She would decide menu all three times and I mostly won’t make breakfast because I will be busy with both kids.
    Husband leaves for work very early and come back late so I cannot even send my toddler to him. I have no choice but to do everything for him. Anyways it’s just few more weeks then I will get my control back in my house.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,454
    Likes Received:
    23,302
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Your aunt is right. Dealing with what you have handled makes you appreciative of life's little joys and blessings, so it feels like there is more light than darkness. There will be some moments when you feel overwhelmingly negative for a bit but those will pass as you remember the bigger picture and what you are grateful for.

    Men and women deal with loss in different ways. How we deal with a loss changes over time. A loss and a struggle like this impacts a marriage in many ways. It mostly strengthens but in some ways the strain it caused never fully goes away. It would help if you can accept that men are different when their parents are around. Put aside that part of life as a written-off loan. Don't dissect that after in-laws leave.

    Like suggested above, talk with your doctor about postpartum depression, even if you start feeling better after your in-laws leave.

    One somewhat silly strategy I employed to yank myself out of blue moods used to be telling myself, "The baby/pregnancy you lost is now an angel up there. If you are like this, it will make the angel up in the sky also unhappy." That guilt used to be very effective in pulling me out of a continued spell of sadness. I am embarrassed to type this, but hey one does what one gotta do when it needs to be done. : ) I also found that marking a few days privately helped. Days such as "day I tested positive at home", "day I went to the doctor and confirmed" and the sadder days related to the lost baby/pregnancy. Not forgetting these every year while celebrating my other kids' birthdays helped me. Again odd.. but whatever works. I kept these to myself mostly.

    If you don't already do it, try meditation. Regular meditation of a few minutes 5-7 times a week does wonders. Headspace and Calm are two great places to get started. Calm has more of a "talk" at the end of each guided meditation, but I like that talk. Sometimes seems a tad too sugary, but, such talks tend to be like that. There is a series in Calm called "Relationship with Self" that would be a good one to start with, followed by "Relationship With Others."

    Good Luck.
     
    Amica, hermitcrab, SunPa and 2 others like this.
  5. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1,025
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    If someone has brought you to a point where you want to kill yourself, you need to open your eyes. Sorry I dont see any reason for this man to be put on a pedestal, but whatever , its your life.. good luck,
     
    SCA, Roar, shama146 and 2 others like this.
  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    426
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I normally avoid quoting others, since i feel it is an individual input about the issue and sharing their view and advise to the ORIGINAL POSTER, and that should be respected.

    however i do agree, using foul language is not nice.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  7. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    538
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Agreed. Criticism ok, avoid the gaalis/abusive terms pls
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,548
    Likes Received:
    22,670
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Agree.
     
    SCA and shama146 like this.
  9. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    314
    Likes Received:
    328
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly. I would have also used the same term if someone would make ones life so pathetic, even if he is my hubby.
     
    SCA likes this.
  10. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    667
    Likes Received:
    942
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,
    I have heard that UK will have support for new mothers, doulas and health visitor. Use any state provided programs. Baby is growing everyday, and before long, this time will pass.
    Yes, ILs are cruel- when you are weak they are piling work on you. I am sure they are aware of this. But you don't worry about others now behaviors. Just yourself.
    Please check with doctor about ppd. Eat nutritious food and focus on dairy- if you like it. Ghee, cheese, milk - warm milk is soul satisfying.
    Soak some nuts of choice in milk or water + fennel and grind and keep in fridge. Microwave one big cup of milk and add a spoon of above mixture and sprinkle some dry ginger powder (sonth). This can be substitute for ladoos. You can add molasses (if you like) since it has minerals. I did this for myself. My ILs were like yours and husband was at work. But I had one baby to care. Please Know that many women face a situation like yours. Sometimes, I feel that ILs wait for a vulnerable DIL- at her weakest- after giving birth- and then pile on work on her. Don't invite them again, for a long long time.

    Your husband is not very empathetic kinds- it will not change, but don't feel bad because most men are like this.

    The love and care you are yearning for now, traditionally comes from an older woman (mom or other older relative). Men cannot provide the care that is needed postpartum. Your MIL should step up but she is useless. Your mother is not here. Can your supportive aunt come here for few months? If not then doula's are very popular in Europe, please check if you want one to visit you. I have really started to feel that an older woman is very much needed in any younger woman's life events- almost like a doctor. Without this person, the health of woman really suffers.

    For toddler, make a play area or play pen and keep him there. If he is safe, away from outlets, stair, in a child-proof area, let him try to entertain himself. Keep an eye on him, always closeby. Nap when lil one naps, during the day.

    Remember that feeding your ILs is not a priority now, instead your boys are your number one priority. Take one day at a time, no past no future
     

Share This Page